I love how when you buy something for a good price, you’re so proud of it that you start showing off to people who are not directly affected by it. They don’t care. They don’t care that you saved a couple of your dollars that they’ll never see on an item they’ll never use. Yet you make this a conversation topic, and they have to get through it, because you have to talk about this, for therapeutic reasons.

You’re like, “You won’t believe what I got!” And you show them this item that they’ll probably never see again in their lives, but that you expect them to genuinely care about for that one moment.

“Guess how much this thing normally is!”

Even you don’t know how much this thing normally is; you just know what the sticker says. Yet they have to guess a number, and they have no idea, and they did not know before they came in today that there was going to be a test.

“What is the suggested retail price for this item?”

And the chances that they’ll guess it right when it can be any number between free and a bajillion dollars does not make this a fun game.

“How many guesses do I get?”

Sometimes you let them play Higher/Lower, but it’s not better.

“200?”

“Higher.”

“300?”

“Lower.”

“Whew, this is fun! 250?”

It’s not like if they’re right, you give them the item. And then they get to go to other people and say, “Guess how much this normally is!”

So they guess a number, and they’re wrong, and then they’re hoping the conversation is over, and you’re like, “Now guess how much I got it for!”

And they sigh, like, “Okay, we got to do this again.”

“Um… less?” This is a horrible game if you got it for more.

They’re not going to guess more than the original price.

“A thousand dollars!”

“No, less than the asking price. Why did you think I was smiling?”

“Because you were remembering the look on the merchant’s face when you bargained him UP.”

And then at the end of the story, you’re like, “And that’s how much I paid!” And you’re so happy. And they’re pretending to be happy for you, but they don’t know how happy they can be without overdoing it. Should they break into song? Grab your hands and start dancing? Because it really does not matter to them that you saved 35 bucks.

At most, they’re going to ask, “Oh, where’s the sale? I want to go too!” And you’ll say, “Sorry, I got the last one.”

Then why are you telling me any of this?

This is not even a story they can later tell their other friends. (“So my friend bought a sweater the other day… Guess how much it normally costs!”)

I wonder if criminals subject their friends to this: “Guess how much this is normally!… Wrong! Ten thousand dollars! Now guess how much I got it for!…”

“Zero. The answer is always zero.”

“Zero!”

“Pssshh!”

They have to have something to talk about in prison.

But for example, I went to a Judaica closeout sale in my shul the other day, and the prices were really good, so as I usually do, the first thing I did was walk around for a long time going, “What do I need? I can’t remember what I need.” And fending off people asking if I worked there.

“I’ll give you a hint: Everyone who works here is not wearing a coat.”

I should really just ask, “No, do you work here?”

What I ended up buying was an oil menorah for one of my kids. So anyway, guess how much this menorah that I bought normally is! I can describe it for you, if you want, but I can assure you that you’ll still be wrong. Got a number? Now guess how much I paid for it! Wrong! Ha! You’re 0 for 2. Isn’t that fun?

Bragging seems pretty silly, because at some point you realize that the amount of money you saved on one small item makes such an insignificant difference in your life and overall expenses. It’s like if you had a flood in your basement, and someone handed you a free bucket. And now you’re going over to people and bragging about the free bucket.

And you think, “All my expenses are still a lot, despite the $35. I need some more validation.” So now your whole satisfaction that you can still wring out from that $35—which was long gone before you even get home—is bringing up that story again and again to new people.

And not just anyone. Sometimes the person you’re telling it to can kill the entire thing. For example, the menorah I bought normally costs two hundred and twenty-five dollars. I paid fifteen. (I promise I’m only telling you this for illustrative purposes.) So my wife and I come home, and my wife says to our teenage daughter, “Guess how much this menorah usually is!” And my daughter says, “I don’t know.” She has zero frame of reference for the price of menorahs. So I said, “Here, look at the sticker underneath.” It said $225. And I said, “Now guess how much we paid for it!” And she said, “Two dollars and twenty-five cents.” And I said, “You ruined my story.” And she said, “Sorry, I didn’t know what you wanted from me.”

You’d think telling your kids would be more satisfying. They actually do directly benefit from money you saved, yet, if you come home to your kids and say, “Guess how much money I saved!” they’ll say, “Great! Can we have that money?”

“No; it’s for everybody.”

“You’re splitting it between all the kids?”

“Sort of… It’s going toward the water bill!”

Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He has also published eight books and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].