Dear Dr. Chani,

What is your advice for a couple who are on different pages religiously? My husband has become less interested in religious practice over time and it makes my family life very hard. I am not sure if I should continue to invest in my marriage or get a divorce.

My husband and I have been married for 18 years. We have several teenage children. For the most part, we get along well. He is a kind and gentle person. It is not hard to like him. When we first got married, he was everything I thought he would be. I thought we were really perfect for each other. Somehow, along the way, he became disenchanted with going to shul, following halacha, and believing in Judaism. At this point, he does not keep Shabbat.

Right now, I am trying my best to raise my children as Torah-true Jews, despite my husband’s lack of modeling. It is logistically difficult that my husband is not interested in running our Shabbat meals, and it makes it hard to feel we have a religious home.

I am lucky that my children are so far staying religious and not questioning what they learn in school. I hope that it will stay this way, and they will eventually marry and build their own Torah homes.

Do you think I should divorce my husband so that it will give my children a clear religious environment for them to thrive in? Maybe I could remarry a wonderful religious man and we could have a more normal life? I am torn because I still love my husband and I wish his religious sliding did not have to come between us and destroy our lives together. What do you recommend?

Sincerely,

Amy

Dear Amy,

Based on your description, your husband’s religious decline has made your home life complicated and challenging. It is disappointing for you that he seemed to change his values over time. You wish you could share your religious commitment with your husband and enjoy his partnership in raising your family based on your values.

You wonder what it would be like to divorce your husband and start anew. It sounds like your thoughts about divorce are primarily motivated by your concern about how your husband might affect your children’s religiosity. You imagine that having your husband out of the house might help you provide your children with a home that has a consistent message about Judaism.

There is something hiding behind the words of your question. The thrust of your description sounds like you are torn between what you want and what you think you “should” do. You want to stay married to your husband. You have a good relationship and cherish it, and your husband. Yet, you worry that you might regret not doing what you perceive as the religiously correct thing—to create a home for your children filled with Torah values and ideals. This might be answered well by a rabbi with insight who knows you and your family. I will analyze your concerns from a psychological perspective, taking into account your relationships with your children and your husband, and speaking to the part of you that yearns for you and your husband to stay together.

There are many environmental influences on how children develop. Growing up in a home where both parents share a consistent religious belief and practice is one influence. Watching parents who differ in their belief and practice, and are still able to respect and love one another, is another influence. Your ability to appreciate your husband’s personality and your demonstration of your genuine love for him communicates volumes to your children. It allows them to see the depth of a true relationship and how it can weather storms, even if those center around the very core of your beliefs. When children witness the positive parts of your relationship, you are educating them about the strength of marriage, commitment, and appreciating your spouse.

In addition, a child’s stability often flows from his understanding of how stable his parents’ relationship is. If he senses that it is unstable, uncertainty and lack of confidence will ripple through his mind. If he intuits that his parents’ connection is solid, pleasant, and full of mutual appreciation, it will reverberate with a feeling of wellbeing and certainty about the child’s own self.

Your children have their eyes and ears wide open. Divorcing your husband would probably result in a shattered sense of self, uncertainty, pain and confusion for your children. Those are all counterproductive to a person’s ability to grow and become an adult who is religiously committed and successful. Your decision to break apart their family for religious reasons might have consequences that result in the very opposite of the goal you are trying to accomplish.

There are two caveats to keep in mind. Firstly, marital strife reverberates in kids’ lives. If you had reported that there are recurring marital tensions, perhaps I would give you different advice. Yet, since you report the opposite, it seems very logical for you to remain together. In addition, you explain that your children seem to be growing along the religious path that you expect for them. That likely indicates that they are able to live with the different messages you and your husband send. It does not unsettle them or impede their religious belief. Had that not been the case, it is also possible my response would take a different turn.

Your children have so far managed to determine from you and from their other influences, such as school and community, that they would like to follow your lead. It would seem that watching you juggle the awesome challenge of maintaining a religious home and nurturing your marriage, would be the ultimate demonstration of your personal and religious values, and a great way to motivate them to stay on your path.

You can choose to invest in your marriage and enjoy a happy life together with your husband, even though it might look very different than the life you had imagined. Although it is difficult for you to relate to your husband’s reasons for his religious decline, you love him. He sounds like a thoughtful husband and caring father. You can respect and appreciate him for his values and qualities that probably attracted you to marry him in the first place. Your husband might not want to lead or participate in Shabbat meals and other religious practice. Yet, as long as he respects your religious practices and does not prevent you from living according to your ideals, it is possible for you to build a Jewish home. You have the potential to strengthen your marriage along with your children’s faith and appreciation of Torah.

Wishing you much success,

Chani

Names and details have been changed to protect privacy.

Dr. Chani Maybruch is a social psychologist and relationship coach, specializing in teaching emotional connection and communication skills for over two decades. She coaches individuals and couples, teaches courses on how to become a master of relationships, and provides free relationship resources at chanimaybruch.com. Learn a step-by-step method to improve your ability to emotionally connect with her new online course: The RELATE Technique™—Seven Steps to Emotionally Connect Through Conversation. Reach out to her at [email protected].