Dear Dr. Chani,

This is the first year that I am cleaning our house and planning to stay home for Pesach. The problem is that my husband’s parents still expect us to come to them for the first days of Pesach to be at their Seder. I would really like to be in my own space for the entire Pesach. It seems we cannot resolve our issue without one of us giving in. I understand that by the time that you respond to this letter, my issue will have already been managed as best as possible. Yet, I would really like to hear your take on my situation.

For the last few years, I have considered the idea of staying home for Pesach. We have several children and have reached the point that it is easier to clean, shop and cook than to pack up and squeeze into someone else’s house for a week. Even though it takes work to prepare for Pesach, I feel that the tradeoff of being able to relax in my own comfortable space, together with my own nuclear family, is more than worth it. I truly look forward to enjoying the fruits of my labor.

When my husband brought up to me that his parents still expect us to come to them for the Seder, I was very surprised. This would defeat the whole purpose of us staying home. I would end up having the worst of both worlds! Who wants to prepare a house for Pesach and have to pack up and move into someone’s house as a guest for a few days?

I tried to respond to my husband as gently as I could, but I must have rolled my eyes or something because he said, “I can see you are very upset about this. Let’s talk about it later.” Well, when my husband says, “Let’s talk about it later,” that is a code for — “Let’s brush this under the rug and not deal with it … until it is too late.…” and then we will inevitably end up having to fulfill his parents’ expectations.

I feel stuck because I do not want to upset my husband and his family. If they would end up resenting me for staying home it will take away some of the joy in the experience. Yet, I really do not want to just go along with their plan which does not seem to be taking my feelings into account.

What should I do? I would really appreciate your advice on how to deal with this delicate issue.

Sincerely,
Mara

Dear Mara,

I understand why you are struggling with this dilemma. On the face of it, it sounds like there is no way to make everyone happy. You are looking forward to creating your first independent Pesach, investing in your own family, and enjoying your personal space. Yet, your in-laws would like to continue their family tradition of gathering around the Seder, together with their children and grandchildren. Unfortunately, your husband is caught in the middle in this situation. Since he has pushed off discussing the issue with you, it is unclear what his own personal desires are.

Before you can strategize how to approach this dilemma, it is important that you speak to your husband about it. You may be assuming that he is taking his parent’s point of view, yet this might not be accurate.

It sounds like you are taking the position that you need to stay home for the whole Pesach, and you are assuming that your husband would like to fulfill his parents’ wish to join them for the Seder. This makes it seem to you that you and your husband have entirely opposing points of view. But what if your husband has mixed feelings? What if he shares your desire to be home, yet he does not want to disappoint his parents? You will never know the many layers of his true feelings until you hear him out. It is important for you and your husband to communicate about this issue. You might even view this as an opportunity to get closer as a couple by understanding each other better.

The first step is to search together with your husband to find a private, quiet time to talk. You might find that it is helpful to schedule a shorter conversation to be followed by more conversations, rather than to feel the need to have one long summit on this topic.

Once you are talking, try to go beyond what you believe to be each other’s positions. Your goal is to give each of you a chance to be the speaker while your spouse is the listener. When it is your turn to be the speaker, share with your husband where your position is coming from. Explain your needs, your past experiences, and your expectations.

For example, you might express that you are investing a lot to prepare your home for Pesach and you need to feel like it is worth it. You would also like to stay home so that you can relax in your own space and enjoy your family. You can describe your past experiences in his parent’s home and how they have shaped your point of view.

Finally, sharing your expectations may be the hardest part. Although it sounds simple — your expectations are that you would like to stay home — saying this is not enough. Sharing your expectations means detailing to your husband how you would like to actually resolve the dilemma. Would you like him to explain to his parents why you cannot come? Would you like his approval that you be the one to approach your in-laws and explain to them why you prefer to stay home? Holding fast to your position can be much easier than figuring out how to implement it. There are many ways to achieve your goal. Think about what you feel would be the best way to approach it.

Then, ask your husband to express his own needs, past experiences and expectations. Be prepared for him to present his view as a shade of gray rather than merely black and white. As you listen to him, focus on his feelings rather than the facts. Try to be in touch with what he feels and why he feels this way. Try to understand where his feelings are coming from. You may be surprised by what he shares, especially if he shares details with you that you did not know or if he explains his approach in a nuanced way that is not entirely opposed to your own.

The goal of your conversation(s) is to deepen your understanding of each other’s thoughts and feelings so that you can work together to design creative ways to better meet both of your needs.

For example, you might decide to stay home for the whole Pesach yet make an effort to get together with your in-laws over Chol Hamoed or spend the last days with them. Alternatively, you may decide that you want to stretch yourself to join your in-laws for the first days of Pesach to give them the privilege of having your family at their Seder, while planning in advance to carve away personal space and time for yourself, you and your husband, and you and your children.

Whatever choice you make, communicating respectfully and openly about it with your husband and discovering more about each other can strengthen your relationship and lead you to the deep sense of fulfillment and joy that you look forward to this Pesach.

Wishing you a Chag Kasher v’Sameach,

Chani

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Dr. Chani Maybruch is a social psychologist who has specialized in helping people build and enhance their relationships for over two decades. If you would like to improve your personal and professional relationships, reach out to her at www.chanimaybruch.com.