I’ve been dating Debbie for several months now. We are both 24 and have a lot in common. Our dates are fun and we’re able to talk about serious matters, and I would say that Debbie is the closest that I’ve ever found for myself, in terms of finding someone who feels right for me. We share many of the same goals and standards and it all fits.

Except, Debbie is always fixing things, me, etc. Whether it’s telling me that I should tuck my shirt in because it will look neater or suggesting very strongly what I should order from a menu when we eat out, it feels like she’s always on my case about something. I know her intentions are good and it’s coming from a caring place, but it just feels so uncomfortable for me to be told what to do or how to do things. I’m not used to anyone telling me how to be and I resent it and often react probably too strongly.

I have told her in a very direct way that I don’t like it when she gives me instructions or rules. She says she understands, but then just goes right back to behaving like my mother! (Even my mother wouldn’t go as far as Debbie goes!) I think she really can’t help herself. It’s like a habit she can’t seem to break.

Though I think I love Debbie, I’m afraid that if I get married to her it will get even worse and I’ll be miserable. Should something like this be a deal breaker? Is there a way to get through to Debbie or are people like her stuck in their behaviors and I shouldn’t even try or ever expect her to change?

The Navidaters Respond:

When the man in the relationship displays this kind of behavior we wave a huge red flag and scream “controlling!” A man who tells a woman to tuck in her shirt or tells her what to order at a restaurant is immediately considered foul and offensive. I’ve noticed that sometimes there can be a bit of a double standard and we are quick to assume that a woman who behaves in this way is simply “tough” or “runs a tight ship.” As a society, we don’t call this behavior “abusive” as quickly as we would if it were a man. Just throwing that out there.

Only you can make this decision. I can’t tell you what to do, in my office or in a column. You may want to meet with a therapist for what may be very short-term therapy in order to weigh this decision and explore your options. But yes, this behavior is a huge red flag. Strongly telling you what to order from a restaurant?? It really does sound like a mother/son dynamic. Every couple has a “dance,” an interactive, cyclical pattern of behaviors they engage in, that with time often become predictable. If this isn’t nipped in the bud now, this may turn into the “Naughty Boy, Angry Mommy Mambo” or “Micromanager Boss, Disgruntled Employee Cha-Cha.”

Debbie’s behavior is unlikely to improve once you are married and it is more than likely that it will increase. Not only will Debbie have you to pick apart, but she will have your new home to critique. Additionally, she will likely create a lot of rules for you in your new home. The main thing that concerns me about Debbie, aside from her critiquing you, polishing you and ordering for you is that you have already spoken up for yourself (great job, by the way!) in a very direct manner, and she went right back to her old behaviors. Not good. This means one of two things. She is so set in her ways that she doesn’t realize she is doing it, or she does realize she is doing it and she doesn’t care enough about your feelings to stop.

So, in situations like this, I advise the individual who is not heard to seek his own therapy, as I mentioned earlier. You may realize that you can’t stay another minute in this relationship and you will decide to break up. Or, you may realize you are not quite ready to break up but you are ready to consider giving an ultimatum. That word often sounds scary and even mean-spirited to many people. If you don’t like the word ultimatum, then replace it with the word choice. You can give Debbie a choice.

“Debbie, I care for you deeply and I love so much of our relationship. I’ve never had these feelings for anyone else. I want to be with you. However, as I mentioned before, I really don’t like it when you tell me what to wear and choose my order for me at restaurants. I feel smothered. I need to feel like an equal, not like your son. In order to stay together, I need you to respect my choices—the way I look, what I order at a restaurant, everything.”

If she breaks up with you after you lay down your ground rules, good riddance! If, however, she has an “aha moment” and expresses her sincere regret about her behavior, then you will decide if you want to pursue things further. You would need to see lasting change (which means you can’t get married anytime too soon). It would be a long road ahead. The desire to be in control doesn’t just disappear into thin air, and there are no guarantees that it wouldn’t reappear at some later point in time.

Both men and women deserve to feel respected, admired and adored in their relationships. Healthy couples in long-term marriages work hard to preserve these notions, even when their spouses don’t necessarily deserve it. You’re only in courtship and Debbie feels very comfortable to behave badly. Red flag.

Let’s get the ball into your court. Debbie doesn’t call all the shots. You asked if you can change her and the answer is simply no. You will tell her your ground rules and if she wants to change, the ball is in her court. But the rules of the game have to change now. If she doesn’t want to play, you will find a new teammate. Good luck!

Sincerely,

Jennifer

Disclaimer: This column is not intended to diagnose or otherwise conclude resolutions to any questions. Our intention is not to offer any definitive conclusions to any particular question, rather offer areas of exploration for the author and reader. Due to the nature of the column receiving only a short snapshot of an issue, without the benefit of an actual discussion, our role is to offer a range of possibilities. We hope to open up meaningful dialogue and individual exploration.

By Jennifer Mann

 Esther Mann, LCSW, and Jennifer Mann, LCSW, are licensed psychotherapists working with individuals, couples and families in Hewlett, New York. As The Navidaters, they specialize in dating and relationship coaching. To set up an appointment, please call 516.224.7779. Sessions are held in the office or via Skype. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question anonymously, please email [email protected]. Visit their website, thenavidaters.com, for dating and relationship advice and to learn more about their services. Follow The Navidaters on Facebook and Instagram. Check out the hit web series “Soon By You” and be sure to tune into the Navidaters After Show!