Saturday, March 25, 2023

There’s no doubt that I am the most important person in the world these days. You need to know about me. So, really I’m telling you about myself for your own good! So pay attention well!

I started off from very humble beginnings, but I was determined to make something of myself, and I wasn’t going to allow anyone or anything to stop me. I built my way to the top with a dream of conquering the world. Believe it or not, I continue to be successful. Everyone knows my name and everyone pays homage to me. It doesn’t matter what country or what part of the world. They all know me.

The truth is I don’t have many leadership qualities. If you’re even partially astute you will realize that from my political past and by the empty nonsense I preach. Oh, I know about money and I have more of it than you could even imagine. In fact, it would take days on end for me to even describe how much I have, and I love to show it off. But when it comes to matters of domestic and foreign affairs, I am pretty lost without my close circle of advisers.

So how did I make a name for myself? I had two primary tactics: The first thing I did was to marry a beautiful foreigner. I married for looks because I am a pretty shallow person, and I know it looks good for me to be seen in public with someone pretty.

The second thing I did was that I never allowed or allow anyone or anything to get in my way. In fact, I am known to be ruthless, crass and vulgar. Dare to cross my path and you will feel the brunt of my anger, and it’s lethal. I will hold nothing back from my foes or from anyone who even has a hope of vying for my power and prestige.

You wouldn’t think those two tactics would be enough for me to bulldoze my way to the top, but it worked for me. I guess my followers are pretty shallow too.

I am never bashful and I am not scared to do radical things if I feel it is for the betterment of my charges. In fact, I would not hesitate to rid myself of an entire nationality. It may sound radical and you may doubt me, but I’ll give it my full backing. Whatever it takes! Who needs ’em anyway? They are nothing but trouble and you can’t trust them. Besides, that’s what everyone wants to hear.

There’s another fascinating point about me that you should know. Believe it or not, although I look like your run-of-the-mill gentile, I have a Jewish child—Orthodox too. When the child was young, no one would have ever guessed it, but truth is stranger than fiction. And this child is my pride and joy, perhaps my successor one day.

In closing, I would just reiterate that as long as you are on board with me, life will be blissful; in fact, it will be a constant party. With me on top there are no worries. And you can be sure I will trump all those who even try to stand in my way. If I can’t do it with sheer force, a “diamondo and rubio” will always help me cruz to victory.

No doubt you know who I am, particularly now. From India to Ethiopia they know me as Xerxes. Perhaps you may know me as Achashverosh!


When Vashti ranked out Achashverosh after he summoned her to appear at the feast, she ranked him out, referring to the fact that he was originally a stable boy, and that he wasn’t half the man that her grandfather Nebuchadnezzar was (Megillah 12b). Vashti was a Babylonian, while Achashveirosh was Persian, which meant that she was a foreigner. Rav Yonason Eibschutz explains that Darius, Achashveirosh’s son and successor, was the son of Esther, and, therefore, was a full-fledged Jew.

Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW, is the rabbi of Kehillat New Hempstead, as well as guidance counselor and fifth-grade rebbe in ASHAR, principal at Mesivta Ohr Naftoli of New Windsor and division head at Camp Dora Golding. He also presents parenting classes based on the acclaimed Love and Logic methods. His email address is [email protected] His website is www.stamtorah.info.

By Rabbi Dani Staum

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