We live in a society that is obsessed with eating. And that extends to criminals too. You’d think criminals would be obsessed with money, but no, they’re obsessed with food, just like you and me. (Mostly me.)

Our first story today concerns two men in Chicago who walked into a busy restaurant and said, “We have a gun; give us some food.”

So the owner of the restaurant, who took it by their tone that these men were not suggesting a barter, didn’t want to do anything to endanger his customers. So he told them, “We’re kind of busy now. Can you come back in an hour?”

So they left. And they came back an hour later. This time, they demanded money too.

Now at this point the manager was pretty surprised. He honestly did not expect them to come back. So he said, “Oh good, you… came back. Let me go to the back and get my wife’s checkbook.”

Because, you know, that’s how robbing a restaurant works. They have to go to the back and write you a check.

Anyway, while he was in the back, he called the cops. When the cops got there, the two were still standing there waiting patiently, thinking, “Gosh! Robberies take forever!”

Our next story concerns a man in New Zealand, who, in December, walked into a restaurant, ordered some food, paid for it, and then, while they were making his food, ran off with the tip jar.

So the proprietor’s wife said to her husband, “You know, I think that guy just stole our tip jar.”

And the husband said, “Are you sure?”

And the wife said, “Go ask him. He just ran into the bathroom.”

So the husband followed him into the bathroom, where he saw the empty tip jar on the floor. So he said to the guy, “You stole our tip jar.”

And the guy said, “No, that was on the floor when I got here.”

And the husband said, “I’m not going to argue with my wife. Also, I have surveillance tapes.”

And the guy said, “Check them.”

So the husband went to check the tapes, at which point the guy ran out of the restaurant, jingling all the way. I don’t know how he ran so fast with that much change.

Oh, and by the way, he forgot to take his food with him. That he’d already paid for. That they were making when he ran away with the jar. In fact, the owner estimates that the tip jar contained just under seven dollars, which yeah—it’s a lot of change—but the price of the food that he’d left was a little over ten.

Some thieves are smarter about money. In December, a man in Prague went into a restaurant and hid in the bathroom as the staff were closing up.

“Hey! A tip jar!”

In fact, every time I’m in a restaurant, I end up waiting for the bathroom behind someone who I’m pretty sure is hiding in there until the place closes. But this guy actually did.

When everyone was gone, he came out of the bathroom and helped himself to basically the entire menu. According to police reports, he sampled six eleven-pound baked geese, some goose liver, three ducks, a four-liter jar of pickles and several bottles of wine. He also dug into 13 pounds of goose fat, several containers of butter and a package of poppy seeds. Probably after the wine. Then he died.

Okay, so he didn’t die. Yet. In fact, he also wrapped up some beer and a strawberry cake to take with him, in case he would ever have room for dessert. And he wrapped up some clothes, including the chef’s pants, because his own pants weren’t big enough anymore for some reason.

His plan was to sneak out before the restaurant opened, but he was still there the next morning when the cleaning lady showed up and had a conniption. So she called the cops. Police had to roll him out.

In total, police say, he ate $800 worth of food. But at least he didn’t get violent. Not that he could. In November, a Chicago woman was arrested for assaulting a waitress over a restaurant’s “All-You-Can-Eat Pancakes” policy.

For those of you with normal eating boundaries, I should explain that “all you can eat” means that for a certain price, you get all that you can physically stuff into your body until they have to carry you out to the parking lot.

Anyway, this restaurant had all the pancakes you can eat for $4, which sounds like a pretty good deal until you realize you can only eat about 3 pancakes before you totally get sick of them. Pancakes are the kind of food that you remember liking a little bit more than you actually do.

So one evening, a woman named Natasha came in with a whole group of friends, and one of them ordered the pancake deal. Then they sat down at a table, and she began doling out the pancakes to all her friends. So the waitress came up to them and patiently explained that technically, it’s “All One Person Can Eat.” For $4, you don’t get to feed the whole neighborhood. So Natasha got up and tried to punch the waitress. Then she started yelling, and she and her friends left without paying the four bucks. That’ll show them.

I think if she really wanted to get revenge on the restaurant, she should have called that guy in Prague to come in, pay the four bucks, and eat all he could eat. He would have eaten the syrup dispensers.

By Mordechai Schmutter

Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia, among other papers. He also has five books out and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].