(Courtesy of Chai Lifeline) “With the news from Israel bringing us false starts and disappointments, I must admit that I am becoming cynical. I try not to despair, but listening to the world press and media, there is so much shifting of blame onto our people and they overlook our casualties and the atrocities. I do not know anymore how to remain hopeful.”
When our crisis line fields the confusion and anger of adults who feel deflated by the incessant doom of negative news, any first response must begin with acknowledging that the news bias is in fact negative and upsetting. This is what the media does best, and with the appearance of so much anti-Israel or anti-Jewish hype, it is indeed difficult to boost our spirits and to feel hope and confidence. With regard to boosting spirits, hope is as much a spiritual state as it is a state of mind. I will explain.
Dovid HaMelech says in Tehillim that as we’ll eventually emerge from the exile and return to Tzion, “we were like dreamers.” The wording there is noteworthy because one would expect the verse to say that “we will be like dreamers.” So the past-tense conjugation needs explanation. The commentaries debate the message of the wording. Some say that “we were like dreamers” means that we will be able to wake up finally and experience the serenity and sanctity of Jewish life once again, appreciating the good and taking nothing for granted. It will all become a dreamy existence moving ahead. Other commentaries contend that the past-tense “we were like dreamers” means that once, God willing, our people are safe and secure, we will then be able to look back and allow it to register fully: This has been a bad dream or this was a nightmare.
The human brain does not thrive when we refuse to acknowledge negative realities. By forcing ourselves into untenable denial in trying to feel only positive, the mind develops a defensive, tense posture. The issues that trouble us may sink beneath our consciousness but they will continue to weigh us down. The brain knows what it knows, whether or not we allow those negative realities and feelings into awareness. We do better when we face issues, when we look at the positive while also being mindful of the stresses. This puts us into the position of being able to talk through our worries and fears rather than suppress them. Consequently, a greater sense of balance and regulation is created within, and this actually generates our ability to draw on internal resources for better coping. We cannot cope if we do not begin with facing the distress that needs to be coped with. Adults need to validate that there is a sense of distress which is anchored in reality. What is the reality?
This is a nightmare. Some people already know this. Some look away and numb themselves to the fears and pain of all that has happened in the last many weeks. The healthy adult perspective during dismal times is in fact to acknowledge our uneasiness and then to develop a sense of hopefulness. Hope is one of those mind states that hovers between being a way of thinking and being a way of feeling. It is a neurobiological brain capacity, psychological but also somewhat spiritual. Hope entails the recognition of the past and present pressures, as well as recognizing our past and present strengths and positive experiences. We all have a history of having had better times, and we must access the thoughts and feelings associated with those positive experiences. Creating hope then involves our projecting forward that although these current times feel bad, we know that we have had better times and that better times will return in the future. Hope prompts us to believe that there will be better dreams, and by envisioning those positive times ahead, the mind begins to feel its darkness lifting, as if one can even now in this tense moment have a sense, a taste, a trace, of what we will experience once our world is in a better state. People cope through hope.
During better times we have had that sense, that taste, and its presence still lingers within our accessible memory. The mind state of becoming hopeful, of hopefulness, is re-accessing the pleasant past so that we can revive it in our present experience. Hope paves the way to anticipate better times to come, and our faith that we will emerge from this nightmare.
Hope is being under the chuppah and amidst the ecstatic joy and celebration, knowing that when the glass is broken, we must acknowledge the history of churban, and yet we look ahead, sensing that the joy will return as we look ahead with hopefulness.
Rabbi Dr. Dovid Fox is the director of Chai Lifeline Crisis and Trauma Services. For Israel crisis resources and support, visit chailifeline.org/israel or call 855-3-CRISIS.
