Lag B’Omer is upon us, and boy do you need a haircut. Even I can tell. But should you get one at home or at the barber? Let’s look at some of the pros and cons.
FACTOR #1: Wait Time
Obviously, the lines at the barber are generally longer, at least depending on the size of your family.
And the barber knows there’s going to be lines. That’s why there’s a pile of magazines in the waiting area from like 1992. Who’s reading the magazines exactly? And then you’ll get caught up in an article and have to stop in the middle because it’s your turn and maybe pick it up again after your haircut before you leave. You’ll sit back down in the waiting area, and have people come in: “Are you next?”
“No, I’m finishing this article!”
But at least the barber is always ready to cut hair. If you’re doing haircuts at home, you need to coordinate schedules with the person giving the haircuts, and then you have to change, and the person giving haircuts has to change, and everyone in the whole house has to change, because the entire house is about to be full of hair. And everyone has to get their haircuts at once, whether they need one or not, so there are going to be lines anyway. For the haircuts, and then again for the shower. All the kids have to get into their undershirts and line up to sit on that step stool that you have in the kitchen.
POINT: Barber?
FACTOR #2: Choices
When I go to the barber, I sit down in the chair, and the guy asks, “What do you want? You want it longer, shorter…” And I’m like, “How do you make it longer?”
Actually, I always say the same thing: “I don’t know.” I literally do not even make this decision at home.
And it doesn’t help that the numbers he’s throwing at me do not line up with the numbers on the attachments at home. At home it’s one-sixteenth, one-eighth… but you sit down at the barber and he’s like, “Whaddaya want, a 2? A 4?”
What do these numbers mean? Are lower numbers shorter or longer? If I say I want a zero, for example, shouldn’t that mean he doesn’t cut my hair?
And he’s barely using the machine anyway. He’s using his fingers to measure. He’s estimating these numbers with his fingers? So am I telling him how many fingers to put between the scissors and my head? I’m going to say a number over 5 once and see if he calls the other barber over to give him a hand.
But my wife never asks.
POINT: Home
FACTOR #3: Hair Everywhere!
The smock that comes with the home haircut kit is a literal piece of garbage bag. It’s thinner than the garbage bags you have at home that you bought voluntarily, and there’s a little ribbon attached that you’re supposed to tie around your neck, except that one end of it is NOT attached, and even when it was, you would keep more hair out of your clothes if you kept your shirt on and closed the top button. Maybe also put on a tie way too tight. So you’re basically holding a garbage bag around your neck, choking yourself, until you just give up and get full of hair and then shake off afterward.
Like that’s a great idea. The haircuts are always in the kitchen. Near the food. Especially before the major Yomim Tovim.
And no matter how much you shake, not everyone shakes, and there’s trails of hair all over the house, and everyone has to shower immediately afterward, and the shower to get rid of the hair takes longer than the haircuts so it’s literally a line of hairy, shedding children waiting for the shower, and fighting. On the carpets.
POINT: Barber?
FACTOR #4: How Did We Do?
I like how the barber always asks you afterward to check the mirror and see if he did a good job.
I don’t know. I’m trusting you. You’re the expert. I’m going to start pointing out mistakes NOW?
Also, if it’s so barely off that the barber can’t even tell, I don’t care. So the back might be a little messed up? No one judges my back until I’m leaving, and by then they’ve already judged me.
Who are we trying to impress? The people behind me in shul?
Listen, you can hold up a mirror to my back, but I’m still not going to know what I’m seeing, and then I’m going to say, “It’s fine,” just to get you to stop. I trust you, the professional, more than I trust me looking in two mirrors at what might be the head of the guy next to me.
Whereas at home, when I get a haircut, my wife doesn’t ask for my opinion, and then later, after the machine is put away, I find some hairs on the side of my head that we missed, and I have to do those myself.
POINT: Home
So there you have it—it’s basically a tie. So do what you want? In fact, there’s a pretty good chance you’re reading this at the barber and he still hasn’t called you up and now you’re at the end of the article and how old is this magazine anyway? Or you’re finished your haircut and you came back to see how the article ended and if you’d made the right decision, and you just want this article to be over already because you’re trying your hardest not to think about how much your back itches. Just go home already.
Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He has also published eight books and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].
