(Courtesy of NechamaComfort) Sometimes the call comes from the father, a friend or the couple’s rabbi, but most often it is the grieving mother who reaches out, looking for comfort, a way to navigate through the unbearable grief of pregnancy or infant loss.
Every story is different, but every caller can find support at NechamaComfort: the couple suffering their first miscarriage, the parents who need to arrange to bury their stillborn child, the couple dealing with the shock of a termination, the newlyweds who don’t know how to break the news to their parents that there won’t be a new grandchild.
NechamaComfort was founded to ensure that no family has to navigate these situations alone. Years ago, tragedies like these weren’t discussed. A few hushed words with the closest family and friends and the advice to “move on” and “get pregnant again.” That was all the support that was available.
That was the advice Reva and Danny Judas were given when their first-born son, Pesach, died 12 hours after birth. Reva knew there had to be a better way to help families. She founded NechamaComfort to make sure that no one would ever have to suffer alone and in silence like she and Danny did. “At first,” Reva said, “the goal was just to give families a place where they could open up about their grief. People would come and talk to me in my living room.”
Now, NechamaComfort’s case managers provide individual support across the United States, Israel and around the world. Support is offered to the parents, extended family, friends — anyone who needs it. Zoom support groups make access from anywhere easy. Both services are offered free of charge.
“Families are so thankful that someone understands what they are going through, that they have a place to work through their grief, ” one case manager said. “Sometimes they have worries or questions; they’re nervous about going back to the mikvah or they don’t know what to tell their other children. I help them make choices that work for their family.”
Reva quickly saw that supporting individual families wasn’t enough. “To really make a lasting impact, I needed to educate professionals — doctors, nurses, clergy, mikvah attendants, funeral directors — who typically aren’t trained in infant/pregnancy loss support.”
Reva has presented at nursing conferences, infant and pregnancy loss conferences and gatherings of mikvah attendants. “Everyone is so thankful to have guidance on how they can be most helpful,” Reva said, “but, it still isn’t enough. We need to teach whole communities how to help.” With the help of her team, Reva created community awareness presentations that give people the tools they need to be supportive of their family, friends and community members. The emphasis is on practical advice. “We give concrete information: what’s helpful to say, what is well-meaning but not so helpful.
“One in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage. Everyone knows someone who is suffering,” said Reva.
As public awareness grows, more people are reaching out to NechamaComfort. “Whenever we run events, I have grandparents coming up to me to tell of losses they had but never told anyone about,” Reva said. “I tell them it is never too late to share your story.” So many men reached out that NechamaComfort started a men’s only support group. “We always had men attending our regular support groups, but we got requests for a men’s only group facilitated by a man. So, we added one.”
A PAL (pregnancy after loss) group was also added to address the special stresses experienced by women who are pregnant after having had a loss. Especially gratifying has been the changes the team sees in how the community reacts to a loss. People are more open to talking about loss and offering support.
“Over and over, we’d hear how people were afraid to say or do the wrong thing. Now they know what to do, ” Reva said. Rabbis now reach out on behalf of congregants and seek out Reva’s advice. Some rabbis had always been supportive of offering parents grieving and burial options, but the established wisdom had been to just move on from a miscarriage or to quietly bury a stillborn. Often, parents were not told where their baby was buried as it was thought to be better not to focus on or talk about the grief.
More recent research shows better long-term outcomes if parents were properly able to mourn, including having a grave to visit, and more and more rabbis are seeing the benefits of offering parents these choices.
On Simchat Torah, more congregations are including the custom to recite a special prayer before the aliyah of Kol HaNarim (a call to the Torah for all children under bar/bat mitzvah age). The prayer honors families who are trying to have children or who have suffered a loss. “It is a sad moment during a happy celebration, but it is so important for families to be included and acknowledged,” Reva said.
Many people praise NechamaComfort’s efforts by offering the hope that it can “go out of business,” but Reva knows that, unfortunately, it will never happen. “People know practically the minute they are pregnant now and the sonogram pictures are so detailed. As soon as they get the good news, families are already planning what the future with their new baby will look like,” she said. “When something goes wrong, or a heartbreaking decision needs to be made to terminate the pregnancy, it is so important that people have somewhere to turn for support.”
Because client services are free, NechamaComfort is supported by donations from people who want to make sure that this important work continues. NechamaComfort runs several fundraising campaigns throughout the year, including every fall in honor of Infant/Pregnancy Loss Awareness month. “Sometimes a family will make a donation page in memory of their baby,” Reva said. “It helps give them comfort that their efforts will ensure other families receive the support they did.”
Donating at any time is easy. Visit the NechamaComfort website at nechamacomfort.org. Also find them on Instagram and Facebook: NechamaComfort.
