Dear Dr. Chani,

I’m dating a great guy, but I’m drowning in anxiety, and I can really use your help. Although David has a lot of great qualities, I’m not sure that I should continue dating him. The problem is that I am holding myself back. I’m afraid to let myself develop feelings for him because I worry that when I do, he will break up with me. I know it sounds ridiculous but I really don’t know how to navigate this problem.

I might sound paranoid but there are many reasons for my concern. Over the past five years that I have dated, there have been only a handful of guys I dated seriously, and all of them broke up with me. Each time, I had specific hesitations, and I was in the process of working through them when the guys broke up with me. It was really frustrating, disappointing and humiliating. I dread trying to work on my relationship with David only to have him break up with me in the end.

Aside from my poor track record, I have heard details about David’s dating history that added to my concern. I was told that David is a serial dater who dated several girls for a while and then broke up with them. I worry that I will share a similar fate.

How can I calm my anxiety about David breaking up with me so that I can be myself on our dates? I would really like to give our relationship a chance. Thank you so much!

Sincerely,
Talia

Dear Talia,

It is understandably difficult to date David while worrying that he will break up with you at any moment. It makes sense that you fear this outcome since you have experienced this pattern with previous people you dated, and David seems to have a history of this as well. Let’s explore some ways that you can approach dating so that you will lower your anxiety and feel more positive about developing your relationship.

One of the factors that can lead to anxiety and can also cause people to break up with you is dating with a future-focused mindset. This means having a constant emphasis on whether or not you want to marry the person you are dating. Even though your ultimate goal of dating is to find a person to marry, when you constantly think about the future and how your relationship will turn out in the end, it does not allow you to appreciate your relationship in the present.

This seems to be a pattern that accompanies you throughout your dating. You mention that you have had “specific hesitations” in each of the relationships with the guys who you dated seriously. It makes sense that you had some questions about how compatible you were with the people that you dated. The problem is that when you are focused too much on the future, your hesitations tend to loom much larger than they would if you could allow yourself to appreciate the person you are dating in the present.

A natural result of this uncertainty and focus on the future is that you unwittingly hold yourself back from developing your relationship. As you pointed out, you noticed that you are afraid to let yourself “develop feelings” for David. If this is the case, it makes sense that you will also have a hard time being yourself on dates and allowing David to genuinely get to know you.

You might not realize it, but David will probably pick up on your feelings of uncertainty. Even if you do not mention your doubts, it is likely that he will sense your critical vibes. People you date can notice when you are judging them and hesitating in the relationship. It might sound surprising, but you communicate much more through your nonverbal signals such as your facial expressions, body language and tone of voice than you do through your verbal communication. Even if you do not intentionally want to convey your hesitations, your nonverbal communication will often betray your true emotions. When people you date sense that you are holding back emotionally it can lead them to conclude that you are not interested. This may be why they decide to break up with you.

So what can you do to calm your anxiety and feel comfortable being yourself on dates? Instead of focusing on the future and judging whether or not David is “the one,” allow yourself to enjoy dating David in the present. Think of getting to know David as an end in and of itself, instead of focusing on figuring out if he is the person you would like to marry. If you value each date with David as an opportunity to get to know each other and grow from the experience, you will enjoy your dates much more. You might also eventually be surprised to discover that you can see yourself being married to him. But if that does not happen, for whatever reason, you will still have gained from the experience of dating him. This mindful approach to dating reduces your worrying about the future and allows you to slowly develop your relationship as you focus on enjoying one date at a time.

As an exercise for this point, think about how you would go about creating a best-friend relationship with another girl. Would you evaluate after each time you get together if you see her being your best friend for life? Of course not. The path to creating a relationship with a best friend happens over time, maybe even unexpectedly. A best friendship is often the result of many moments in time, positive interactions and experiences that eventually lead you to feel that this is a person with whom you would like to maintain a strong friendship.

Even though people who are dating need to be more time-bound and practical about choosing whom to continue dating, it helps to borrow the mindset of how you would go about making a friendship and apply it to dating. Instead of focusing on the future and the question of what will happen down the road, allow yourself to enjoy spending time with David in the moment. During each date, focus on his positive qualities and the experience of dating him right now. As you notice positive things about David, tell him. Allow yourself to appreciate David as the person you are dating, regardless of whether or not he will become your marriage partner. Ironically, the more you can appreciate David in the present, the greater the chances are that you will create a meaningful relationship with him even in the future.

Wishing you much success,

Chani

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Dr. Chani Maybruch is a social psychologist who has specialized in helping people build and enhance their relationships for over two decades. If you would like to improve your relationship with yourself, your loved ones, or others in your life, reach out to her at chanimaybruch.com.