Dear Dr. Chani,

When I read your recent column about someone feeling snubbed by a group of people in his community, it really resonated with me. I often feel “out of it” when I go to shul and when I find myself stuck at home alone at night after I come home from work. As a single woman in my 30s, I have found that it is difficult to maintain friendships at my age, and even harder to create new ones. I would love to hear your advice on how to navigate friendships at my stage of life.

Sometimes I wonder if all of the technology that we have today to help us stay connected is actually preventing us from having real relationships. When I try to call my old friends from school, most of whom are already married, they are usually in the middle of something and too busy to have a real conversation. So I learned not to call them on the phone. Instead, I WhatsApp them to touch base. It usually leads to a short back and forth texting that is pretty superficial and unfulfilling. There is no way that I am going to share anything deep or significant that is happening in my life via text. This means that I rarely have a genuine conversation with them.

As time has gone on, I decided that it is best to develop new friendships with people who are in my stage of life. It would be nice to have someone to hang out with and to travel with on vacations. But that has challenges of its own. The single girls in my community seem to already have their friends and are not keen on creating new close friendships. They will sometimes invite me to a big Shabbos meal or to an event, but I still feel like it is hard to break into the existing pairs or groups of friends around me.

What do you suggest I do to maintain my connections with my old friends and create new friends in my community?

Sincerely,
Layla

Dear Layla,

I can understand that you feel “out of it” socially, especially as you struggle to build your social network. You would have thought that you could rely on your old friends to “be there” for you as you grow older, through thick and thin. Yet, without advance notice, your friends seem to have become too busy to talk with you and maintain a deep connection. On the flip side, when you are trying to form new friendships, you sense that people are not as interested as you in becoming close friends. This can be pretty disheartening, and even insulting.

Before we explore what you can do to expand your social network, it may be helpful to recognize that challenges with navigating friendship in adulthood are surprisingly common, regardless of someone’s marital status. During childhood or college days, friendships are often formed effortlessly, because of people’s similar environments and schedules. In contrast, adulthood often involves a variety of constraints, including time coordination, location, demands, and responsibilities. It is, therefore, much more challenging to keep up with old friends and create new ones under these circumstances.

Even though the pace and consistency of your friendships seem to have shifted, you can influence the trajectory of your friendships by the way you respond to this change. I get the sense that you are trying to avoid taking it personally when your friends are not available to speak with you. This is great since it can help you keep a positive feeling toward them and allow you to take advantage of opportunities when you do connect. Accepting that life circumstances have caused your friendships to change can help you maintain a sense of closeness with your old friends, even if you do not have frequent interaction.

How can you keep up with your married friends who are busy with their families and commitments? It sounds like it is hard to find a mutual time for a deep and meaningful conversion. It is important to acknowledge that once your academic days are completed, getting together with friends requires a conscious effort, and seldom happens casually. You need to put in a concerted effort to create even a casual meeting.

One of the ways to deal with this problem is to reach out and schedule a call on a routine basis. A half-hour chat may feel short, but over time, consistent investment can keep your friendship strong. In addition, you might think about using voice notes instead of texting when you want to reach out to friends. Hearing each other’s voice feels more personal and conveys more feeling through your tone and pitch than simple black and white text.

Nonetheless, technology, while useful, cannot replace in-person interactions, so it is important to prioritize sharing quality time together. One way to reconnect with your old friends is to schedule get-togethers with them to catch up. You can meet for coffee once a month or plan a fun night out every couple of months. Having bonding time, even if infrequent, can continuously rekindle your friendships and keep them alive.

When it comes to creating new friendships with girls in your neighborhood, it is understandably daunting to break into established social groups. Your willingness to participate in large events like Shabbos meals are a great first step to meeting new people. You might take advantage of these events as an opportunity to follow up with specific people to spend time with them individually. It is often easier to develop close friendships by spending time with a person one-on- one. Make an effort to invite someone to get to know each other better by inviting her to do something together like going for a walk or going out for coffee.

Taking the first step instead of waiting for others to invite you to spend time with them can make you feel vulnerable. You may fear that they will respond with disinterest and you might ultimately feel rejected. Keep in mind that everyone, in some way, is looking for meaningful relationships — you just have to keep trying to create friendships until you find “your people.”

Another point to keep in mind is that people tend to stick with their social circles out of habit, so try not to read too much into it if people seem initially disinterested in getting together with you. You might even find it helpful to expect people to turn down your invitations for the first few tries. By lowering your expectations, you will feel less disappointed, and when you persevere you might be surprised by how your friendships take off.

Another great way to develop new friends is to engage in activities that interest you. In fact, you might prefer meeting friends through activities. That way, it does not seem to other people like you specifically need to find friends. Your stated goal is to engage in the activities, and the friendships that come out of it are a welcome byproduct. Whether you choose to volunteer, join a learning program, or sign up for an exercise class, shared activities naturally create a point of connection with like-minded people.

It can be challenging to maintain and initiate new friendships in adulthood, but with a positive mindset, time and effort, you can gracefully expand your social connections.

Wishing you much success,

Chani

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Dr. Chani Maybruch is a social psychologist who has specialized in helping people build and enhance their relationships for over two decades. If you would like to improve your personal and professional relationships, reach out to her at chanimaybruch.com.