If you think about it, there are so many things that you only do when you’re in a car. Like talk to yourself. Most people don’t generally talk to themselves, but when they get behind the wheel of a car, they definitely do. Mostly lashon hara about the other drivers.
Basically, I bring this up because a lot of times when you’re in the car, you say things like, “Look at this idiot in front of me.” Is the person really an idiot? Maybe, maybe not. I think it’s possible that we all just become dumber when we get into cars. It’s a car behavior, like the fact that you’re still talking to yourself. Look at all the things we do that have literally zero logical explanation:
- Looking at This Guy
Do you ever pass the driver in front of you and look over just to see if they look as stupid as they drive? Why do we need to know what they look like? Is it in case we see them again at the supermarket we can say, “Oh, I don’t want to get in line behind that guy. I know how he drives”?
Are we looking for an explanation? Like he’s driving really slow, and you get ahead and say, “Oh, okay. He’s blind. He has sunglasses and a dog. That explains it.”
Are we hoping it’s someone we know, so we can be like, “Oh, that guy! He’s also a really slow chazzan”?
- Turning Down the Radio
How about when you’re driving somewhere you’ve never been, and right before you get to your destination, you have to turn down your radio so you can find the address? Why do you do that? Does it help you see better?
Probably you need to turn down the noise so you can concentrate. The whole time you’re driving, you don’t need to concentrate. That last half a block, that’s where you need it. How did you get to this point?
That last little bit; that’s the part the GPS doesn’t know.
You also need to turn it down because you honestly don’t know what random thing the radio is going to suddenly spout that might confuse you. You’ll be wondering, “What’s the address again? Is it 187 or 178?” and the radio is going to be like, “1-877 Kars 4 Kids; K-A-R-S Kars 4 Kids?!”
- Honking, Like at All
Honking your horn is a socially unacceptable noise you would never make in real life. It’s a rude noise. And it comes standard with the car. Honking is the least subtle way to communicate. It is literally yelling at a person in public but not actually saying any words. It’s the equivalent of barking at someone.
We don’t have the technology to improve this? We can’t even have like three buttons that make different types of sounds? No, let’s have one standard noise. We can’t even control the tone. The only thing we can control is the length of the honk. How do we turn that into three different sounds?
I mean we can do it like a shofar. Like a tekiyah would mean, “Nu?! I’m waiting.” A teruah would mean, “Can I please go ahead of you?” And a shevarim would mean, “Sure, go right ahead!” There would also be a tekiyah gedolah, which would mean, “I am very displeased with what you just did. Perhaps you should take a minute to think about it. With noise in the background.”
- Getting Angry at People Merging in Front of You
Like it’s something they’re doing to spite you. It’s not at all about them getting somewhere faster.
Though it clearly isn’t. Because they’re only in a hurry until they get ahead of you, and then they’re like, “That’s about right. That’s all the speeding up I had to do. Now I can slow down for the rest of my trip.”
But like normally in society, if someone wants to get ahead of us for some reason, we have no problem with it. We’ll just stand back and let them go. Though maybe it’s about asking. Like if they ask, we’ll say yes, but if they don’t ask, we consider it rude for them to assume.
The thing is, there’s no good way to ask when you’re in a car. There’s only honking. And honking just says, “Move it!” There’s no polite honk, which, again, there should be a polite honk. If people want to ask if they can get ahead of each other, we kind of have to rely on everyone in society understanding the same system of waves and gestures. Which are not taught in driving school.
- Making a Mess
Kids are ridiculous in cars too. For example, any food that you ever give the kids to keep them quiet in the car they don’t actually eat. They just empty it out into the car seat, and then they hand you back the wrapper to throw out.
It’s not like adults are that much neater when eating in the car. Sure, at least you’re actually eating the food. But when you’re at home, you sweep the floor after meals, all the wrappers go in the garbage and the garbage gets taken out. But how often do you vacuum your car? Once a year? And only because you have to. I don’t even know when non-Jews vacuum their cars. I never see a non-Jew with his car seats out on the lawn, shaking out his floor mats
So when do you clean the car? When you’re having guests in the car? Usually you just tell them to sit on the garbage. Or throw it in the back. You don’t do that in your living room.
“Yeah, sit on the pile of papers; it’s okay. You know what? Throw it behind you.”
But when you get to your destination, you don’t say, “Let’s clean up that meal we had in the car.” You say, “Uch. Let’s go inside so they can ask us about traffic.” You’re going to come into their house with a bag of trash?
“Is this for us?”
“No. Where do I throw this?”
Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He has also published eight books and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].
