Through the years, I’ve seen a meme floating around that describes the beauty of adulthood: You can go out and buy yourself a cake any time, any day, without needing a reason. As an avid lover of Costco cakes, I can attest to the joy of being able to pick up a sheet cake on a random weekday. And yet, even as adults, we tend to look for justification surrounding rewards.

As children we are often surrounded by various reward systems: sticker charts, classroom parties, special experiences — all dependent on particular behaviors. Through this process we internalize the idea that in order to earn certain experiences, we must be deserving. And yes, often in life we must put in efforts to earn the results; we are not simply handed everything on a silver platter. But other times we become overly engrossed in the mindset that joy or relaxation must be earned.

I have absolutely participated in reward-based behaviors. Telling myself that I’ll watch my favorite show after I finish my to-do list or planning to get out of the house once I finish some admin work. But I try to make a key distinction in how I approach these situations: I know that I am deserving of these experiences, even if my tasks are incomplete. It is not that my inherent worth is diminished if I do not meet my goals. Rather, I am motivated by these rewards which act almost as a small celebration of my efforts. I do not require my behaviors to justify treating or taking care of myself.

When I buy a Costco cake, it is not because I need to earn it, it is because I am celebrating myself. Too often I hear people feeling justifying food or eating behaviors. Whether it is the reasoning that “it’s okay because I’m pregnant” or “I just reached a weight goal so now I can indulge,” or perhaps it is because of a holiday or special event or after achieving an accomplishment. We reward ourselves and we reward children (as I recently wrote about in this column) with food. We feel better when we can “justify” eating foods that feel “off limits” according to diet culture. But when we do this, we are sending the message to ourselves that we do not deserve this enjoyable eating experience without earning it — that we are undeserving unless our body is feeding or housing a baby or unless we performed in a particular way or restricted ourselves.

So let me set the record straight: You are deserving of food and joyful experiences simply because of who you are. You do not need to earn dessert. You deserve dessert. Whether or not you have it is of course your choice, but please move away from the idea that you need to justify feeding yourself.

Sometimes little rewards help propel us forward. Great! External motivations can be helpful! But try to separate the idea of deserving from the goal at hand. I deserve a fun iced coffee because I’m a human. But maybe I want to finish out my workday before I go so I have a little something to look forward to. This is different from telling myself that I am not allowed to do this without having done something to earn it.

If you are struggling in this area I would strongly encourage you to ask yourself: What would make you feel like you are inherently deserving of good things? What has gotten in the way of being able to believe this? You can practice humility and work to achieve accomplishments, learn and grow while also having belief in yourself. You can feel proud of yourself without needing to earn a trophy and you can also benefit from positive reinforcements. And you can do all of this without needing to justify why you are deserving of joy.

So buy the cake. Eat the food because you are a human deserving of nourishment, regardless of your weight or if you’re carrying a child. Buy that affordable item. You can do all these things based on a reward system if that helps you but don’t make the mistake of telling yourself that you are undeserving unless you accomplish the goal. And if you didn’t accomplish the goal, all that happened is that you didn’t get done what you wanted or needed to. You are not less worthy of nourishment or joy; you may just need to try again tomorrow.

Temimah Zucker, LCSW, works in New York and New Jersey with individuals ages 18 and older who are struggling with mental health concerns, and she specializes in working with those looking to heal their relationships between their bodies and souls. Zucker is an advocate and public speaker concerning eating disorder awareness and a metro New York consultant at Monte Nido. She is honored to now serve on the board of Atzmi. To learn more or to reach her, visit www.temimah.com.