Raffi knew how helpful it would be to pick up his brother from the airport. It would save his younger sister the trip or save his brother the Uber fee. Yet, driving at that late hour would mess up Raffi’s night and even his following day. He would not easily make it to his early morning chavrusa or be completely awake at his morning meetings. Raffi agreed to get his brother and spent most of the next day in a bad mood, much to his colleagues’, wife’s and children’s chagrin. What was Raffi missing? Why was it so hard for him to say no?
In one of its most famous pesukim, the Torah commands “Ve’ahavta le’re’acha kamocha,” loosely translated as a requirement to love thy neighbor as thyself. As we know from our kindergarten teachers, Rabbi Akiva used to stress this pasuk as a “klal gadol ba’Torah,” a very important rule. The fact that Rabbi Akiva went out of his way to highlight this one pasuk as an important rule is curious; making matters worse is the fact that the very same Rabbi Akiva seems to contradict himself in another statement.
The Gemara discusses a case in which two men are traveling in the desert and only one has enough water to ensure his own survival. Ben Petura rules that they should share the water and die together, as opposed to having one watch the other die. Rabbi Akiva disagrees and cites a pasuk taken from the context of the obligation to give tzedaka, “V’chai achicha imach,” your friend should live with you. According to Rabbi Akiva, “with you” implies that “chayecha kodmin”— your life takes precedence over his.
The notion of “chayecha kodmin,” prioritizing your own life, does not sound unreasonable; but of all the people to suggest it, Rabbi Akiva seems most unusual. After all, Rabbi Akiva is the one who, for no obvious reason, flagged the importance of loving others as thyself. If this thirsty man in the desert had kept to the dictum of “Ve’ahavata le’re’acha kamocha,” would he not have to share his water with his friend (the way he would have wanted his friend to share the water with him had the situation been reversed)?
There have been many answers offered to this seeming contradiction, but perhaps none with more psychological significance than one offered by Rav Moshe Feinstein. Rav Moshe explains that these two statements of Rabbi Akiva are mutually exclusive. Chayecha kodmin relates to “kadimus,” priority, as opposed to Ve’ahavata le’re’acha kamocha, which relates to “ahava,” love. A person can be obligated to love his neighbor even as much as himself, but like almost all mitzvos, that does not necessitate sacrificing one’s own life. In other words, according to Rav Moshe, both of Rabbi Akiva’s statements are meant to be taken literally. One must love his neighbor as much as himself. Just as he would enjoy certain things — whether physical, emotional or spiritual— he should help provide his neighbor with those very things. However, helping his friend should not come at the expense of his own safety and well-being.
What was so obvious and simple to Rav Moshe is incredibly challenging for Raffi and many others: Giving does not need to, and should not, lead to one’s detriment. For example, one should give charity but not put themselves in financial danger. We may be familiar with this law, but when it comes to performing chesed— kindness for others— it somehow seems less clear that it should not lead to emotional damage or danger. Rav Moshe reminds us that emotional health is similar to physical and financial health; Ve’ahavata le’re’acha kamocha and giving is good, but when it challenges a person’s emotional health, chayecha kodmin.
Perhaps we can take this idea one step further and suggest that it is precisely Rabbi Akiva who teaches both ideas to convey the importance of this message. One can, and should, love his neighbor as himself, and at the same time, always ensure that his own self-preservation and self-care take precedence. At times, people become so worried about others, so immersed in what appears to be chesed, that they neglect themselves. They may be fulfilling one of Rabbi Akiva’s edicts but at the obvious expense of the other.
In fact, even without entering the sugya of chayecha kodmin, 20th century psychoanalyst Erich Fromm makes a simple but important inference: Love thy neighbor as thyself implies that there is an obligation first for self-love. If one completely neglects himself, then there is no basis upon which to love others (i.e. no “kamocha”). I often remind clients of Fromm’s point when their kindness for others knows no bounds, but they struggle to act toward themselves with even the slightest compassion. Perhaps for some people, self-love is more natural than love for others, but for many, especially those in my office, the opposite is true.
Esti was constantly blaming herself for every misstep she took in life. Every time she came late to work, got lost driving, or messed up a recipe, she immediately would blame herself and speak very harshly about herself. She once mentioned that she enjoyed a certain cooking class that she did with her friend, but added “It’s so pathetic that I enjoy that class.” I asked Esti if she thought her friend was also pathetic for enjoying the class and she answered in the negative. She was able to understand how another person can enjoy the class, but as soon as it became focused on her, she became very judgmental and critical.
Raffi and Esti would both benefit from treating themselves with the same love and kindness that they are so quickly willing to offer to others. People like Raffi and Esti are good at the “re’acha,” but sometimes need help with the “kamocha.” By consciously working on self-love with the same effort they are taught to love others, Raffi and Esti can learn to be kinder to themselves and become healthier overall.
Dr. Avi Muschel is a clinical psychologist specializing in relationship issues, working with young men and women who are dating, engaged, and newly married. He has also appeared on popular podcasts, presented at conferences, and taught workshops about relationships. For any inquiries, he can be reached at 845-232-1177 or via email at [email protected].
