July 22, 2024
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July 22, 2024
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Linking Northern and Central NJ, Bronx, Manhattan, Westchester and CT

Whenever people say there’s nothing new to invent, they’re just not looking hard enough. It turns out that every “downside” can be the mother of invention.

Take bikes, for example. They say that bikes are good for the environment, and they’re good exercise and all that, but the downside is that by the time you get to work, you’re all sweaty and staggering and your right pants leg is gone.

Luckily, someone is doing something about it. According to a recent UK Telegraph article, a 32-year-old man in Britain named Colin Furze has just created the world’s fastest bicycle. And all it took was an engine.

“An engine?” you ask. “How is that not a motorcycle?”

Well, for one thing, the bike still has pedals, for all the good they do. But for the other thing, this bike has a jet engine. I don’t think motorcycles, in general, have jet engines. Definitely not ones that shoot flames out the back. In fact, Colin had to extend the frame of the bike so the rider would not be sitting directly over the flames. This would just make the staggering worse.

But this is definitely a good invention if you’re conscious about the environment and your health, but only to an extent, as well as if you want to get to your destination really quickly and not covered in sweat, but instead in pieces of the wall of your destination.

He also didn’t actually fit the bike with a muffler, so it’s really loud—about as loud as a jet—which at least covers up the screaming.

And this isn’t even the first thing he invented. He also created:

– A jet-powered snow blower, which is not as cool as it sounds. The engine gets so hot it basically just melts the snow. It’s probably also good if you want to thaw a chicken.

– The world’s fastest mobility scooter, which travels at a brisk five miles per hour. (Just kidding. It goes 71.) Colin actually won a Guinness World Record for this invention.

– The world’s longest motorcycle, which can hold 25 people, or drive, but not both. Also, it has a turn radius of six lanes. You might make fun, but it holds more people than your van.

He doesn’t even look like a major inventor. He looks pretty much what you’d expect a 32-year-old British guy to look like, in that he’s thin, named Colin and wears a tie all the time, even when testing his inventions. In fact, he’s a plumber. Though I wouldn’t want him doing my plumbing.

“Hey you know what this bathtub needs?”

“No.”

“A jet engine!”

“No.”

Now I know why plumbers have such a big overhead.

He doesn’t actually make money off his inventions, though. He mainly makes them to break records.

For instance, he also won the record for Fastest Pram. For those of us who don’t live in England, I should explain that a pram is like a stroller, except that you push it on the other side of the road. And yes, this stroller needs roads. It goes way too fast for the sidewalk. Arguably, you can’t even call it a stroller if you can’t stroll while using it.

You know that area underneath the stroller where there’s usually a basket in which you try to cram an entire weeks’ worth of groceries? Well, he removed the basket and replaced it with a jet engine. So there’s nowhere for him to put groceries, unless he wants them to catch fire.

Seriously, I don’t know who keeps giving him jet engines.

But thanks to the engine, the stroller now has 10 horsepower. For reference purposes, a horse has one. Two if you feed it sugar cubes.

Eleven if you strap it to a jet engine.

But at its heart, this is a great idea, unless you count safety. You know how sometimes you need to take your baby for a walk, maybe to get him some fresh air so that he won’t fall asleep until later, but it can be a real pain because walking just takes too long? Well, with this roaring down the block, no one’s going to fall asleep.

The biggest concern with a jet-powered stroller, though, is the parents. Because if they can’t keep up, they’re going to be bouncing along behind, hanging on for dear life. So he built a platform for them to stand on.

And apparently, Guinness encourages fast strolling, because they gave him the record. But he didn’t try it with an actual baby. Jet engines are dangerous. I don’t even know why they allow babies on jets. I can’t even bring toothpaste. So Colin used a doll, which in effect made him pretty much like your one-year-old pushing a toy stroller around, except that he was actually getting pulled by the stroller. But it worked great, unless you count that brief moment when the doll flew out.

The point is that he made it to 54 miles per hour, beating the previous stroller record of 30. I don’t know how that one happened. It probably involved a steep hill, and parents in the actual stroller with the baby.

But some of his inventions are actually meant for indoors. For instance, he made something called a “jettle,” which apparently is a tea kettle powered by jet engines. You just put the water in and light the fuse, and Wham! There’s a kettle-shaped hole in your ceiling.

I think if he got together with a good marketing guy, he could make a lot of money off guys who don’t always consult their wives before they make major purchases. He might even make enough to cover the lawsuits.

By Mordechai Schmutter


Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He also has six books out and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].

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