Author’s note: I am blessed to have been a parent for the past 13 years. I have found that over the years, as I continue to delve into the parsha each week, my experience as a parent has given me a new perspective on how I view the stories and lessons in the Torah. Repeatedly, ideas about parenting have emerged for me from familiar text—ideas that I have found meaningful and useful in practical ways.
I’m excited to share some of these ideas to encourage us all to think about how we parent, and how we can improve as parents. I encourage others to join the conversation and share reflections and feedback!
In this week’s parsha, as Bnei Yisrael stand at the Yam Suf with the Egyptians closing in, a strange sequence of events unfolds. Bnei Yisrael complain to Moshe, and Moshe tells them not to worry. ה’ ילחם לכם ואתם תחרישון, he proclaims, “God will fight for you, and you will be silent.” Moshe tells Bnei Yisrael that, just as in Egypt, Hashem fought for you and you didn’t have to do anything; the same phenomenon will occur now.
Yet the very next pasuk, Hashem apparently tells Moshe the exact opposite! “ויאמר ה’ אל משה מה תצעק אלי? דבר אל בנ»י ויסעו,” “And Hashem said to Moshe, why are you shouting out to me? Speak to Bnai Yisrael, and they should go!”
Rav S. R. Hirsch points out that while Moshe thought that in this situation, Am Yisrael should let Hashem take care of them, Hashem declared that the nation should take action. Why the misunderstanding? What was Moshe’s logic, and why did Hashem disagree? Why now does Hashem decide that He now requires Bnei Yisrael to take the first step?
Perhaps we can suggest the following. Am Yisrael is currently going through a process, a transition. Hashem is taking a group of slaves and turning them into a great nation. This process will take time; it won’t happen overnight. And as the process continues, the accompanying rules change.
In Egypt, Am Yisrael were a group of slaves with a slave mentality; in such an environment, Hashem couldn’t ask anything of them. He therefore did everything for them without expecting any initiative on their part.
At the Yam Suf, Moshe assumes that the rules haven’t changed. Just like in Egypt, Hashem fought on Am Yisrael’s behalf and didn’t expect them to take action, the same would be here as well.
However, as Hashem informs Moshe, the rules have indeed changed. After leaving Egypt and beginning to become a nation, Hashem now needs to teach Am Yisrael to take initiative—not to rely on Hashem. They need to begin, ever so slightly, to take ownership over their lives and future.
Hashem, therefore, turns to Moshe and effectively says, “Now is not the time to talk. Now is the time to act—to take initiative. I will still be here; I’m not going anywhere. There will still be great miracles—but now you need to be part of the process.”
This message is extremely relevant for us parents. When our children are young, we recognize that our job is to give endlessly and to take care of all their needs, without expecting anything in return. But we realize that as our kids grow and develop, the rules change; we expect them to take more responsibility and ownership over their lives. Take, for example, a child learning to walk. At first, the parent holds the child’s hand to guide him. But as he progresses, the parent must step back and push the child to walk on his own. Although the child feels abandoned at that point, the parent understands that for the child to really learn how to walk independently, he needs to let go. The reality has changed, and therefore the rules have changed.
During the stages of childhood through young adulthood, expectations continue to shift, as they should; the older they get, the less we do for them and the more we expect of them. Not only that, but the stakes get higher as the issues involved become more important and serious.
Yet while we recognize the importance of taking these steps, it’s not always easy to strike the proper balance of giving and pulling back. It is not always clear when a child has reached a point that the rules should change, and such points will likely vary from child to child. Achieving the proper balance requires a lot of thought and effort. It is also crucially important that, as we shift our expectations, we communicate properly with each child so that he/she understands our expectations and doesn’t feel suddenly confused. Above all, we have to remember that similar to Bnei Yisrael at the Yam Suf, these moments of change are an important part of our children’s development, critical points to help them continue to grow into the best individuals they can be.
Shabbat Shalom!
Rav Yossi Goldin is a teacher and administrator who teaches in a number of seminaries and yeshivot across Israel. He currently lives in Shaalvim with his wife and family. He can be reached at [email protected].
