Introduction
Readers, I would like to invite you along on a journey. A journey of my own self-exploration, of learning a brand-new approach, of trying it out in my sessions and my life, and of meeting children and parents who changed and inspired me.
I’m a therapist who is also a parent. I’ve seen all sorts of challenging chinuch situations in my life and my practice, and like you, I often struggled to see success. Sometimes we don’t know how to handle issues and they escalate. Escalation leads to more emotions and negative behavior. Then families just get stuck!
The vast majority of the parents I meet are wonderful, loving people who will drop everything and run to help their children. But when they hit a bump, they need help and the right tools to get back on track.
I took a lot of workshops and parenting classes to up my game at home and at work. I heard many ideas, yet often they didn’t feel right to me. In one class I learned, “If a child touches the fire and it’s hot, they won’t touch it again,” meaning that if a punishment hurts, the child won’t do the behavior again. But in my own experience as a parent and social worker, I met many children who couldn’t resist touching fire again and again! For many intense children, touching fire seems like an irresistibly exciting activity. I didn’t think these workshops were helping, especially with those challenging kids who love fires. Mostly they just left me more confused.
Resetting Myself
In July 2017, my husband Naftoli, who is also a therapist, signed us up for a workshop called the Nurtured Heart Approach. I had already taken so many classes and had notebooks full of advice: “Give 10 minutes a day to each child,” “Maintain a 4:1 ratio of positive to negative comments,” etc. I wasn’t excited about this new training either, even though Naftoli was pushing me to go. “You go,” I said. “I’m tired of these workshops.”
Then I felt guilty, thinking about the many mental health assessments I’ve done and the young people I’ve seen in detention facilities and youth psychiatric hospitals. These kids saw so many therapists and went through so many interventions, yet their progress was painfully miniscule. They could often show me the coping skills they’d been taught (“Count to ten,” “Take a deep breath”), but overall, something fundamental was lacking. The addictions and mental health challenges had not abated. Why aren’t we reaching these children? I thought. Aren’t there better tools out there? I started to reconsider: Maybe this Nurtured Heart Approach could offer something useful. I roused myself to accompany my husband. But when we got into our car, it wouldn’t start!
Okay, that was a manageable setback. We switched cars. We got to this workshop, only to discover the only seats remaining were in the very front of the room. I sat down and looked around, seeing images of hearts and uplifting words. I took a picture for a friend, thinking, “This is her thing, not mine.”
The facilitator walked in. He launched into the presentation by stating, “ I appreciate that most of you are not on your phones or taking pictures. You are fully present, which shows your interest and focus.” Oops! I’d just been taking pictures! I immediately stashed my phone in my purse, thinking, “Well, that intervention worked on me!”
To my surprise, from there things just got better and better. Everything the presenter said about the Nurtured Heart Approach made absolute sense to me. Here was a way forward for all the intense, difficult kids who are so hard for their parents and educators to manage. Here was a path to reset negativity and flip the script!
That evening, I resolved to do everything I could to learn this approach and share it with others. I spent many months learning and implementing these methods. Each success propelled me onward.
Sharing the Wealth
At this point, years later, I have trained schools internationally in NHA and met with children and parents from all walks of life: rich and poor, black and Hispanic and Chinese, Hasidic and modern and everyone in between. I have hundreds of stories! I’m passionate about working with children in crisis and resetting their home environments. I’m equally enthused about working preventatively and simplifying complex mental health ideas to help children, parents and educators transform and thrive.
I had previously been terrified of public speaking, but my passion for the Nurtured Heart Approach gave me the courage to lead workshops and train teachers and principals. I’ve done online training, grant-funded public school training and Torah Umesorah workshops. I even published several children’s books that employ NHA principles to teach children to handle their emotions. (I also incorporate other therapeutic modalities where applicable.)
Each one of us has a spark and a tafkid in this life. When we connect to that spark, we thrive. And when we don’t, we may act out or become withdrawn or depressed. Challenging children have been blocked from connecting to their spark. First, we have to believe in them. Then we need to use the right tools to help them and be relentless in our quest to help them find their best selves. It’s not simple. But together we can become prepared, effective first responders. We can all make a difference!
In the coming weeks I will introduce you to families with challenging children, showing you how a new approach can work, and that our children’s intensity is a gift. We just need to learn how to channel it!
The possibilities for change are astounding. I have met incredible people through the course of my work and I hope you will be inspired to see that when we change the way we look at our children, our children change in turn. It’s not simple to flip the script, but I do see miracles!
Looking forward to having you join me for the ride!
Reprinted with permission from Binah Magazine.
Yael Walfish, LCSW, is a therapist based in Passaic. She works with parents of children who are explosive, oppositional and anxious. She and her husband also train and support educators in an approach called NHA that transforms intense behavior and helps children thrive.
