Mr. and Mrs. G.’s son Tzvi was explosive, and on medications for ADHD and anxiety. We discussed focusing on Tzvi’s positive qualities and behaviors and trying to uncover his hidden spark.

Session Three

I had begun to teach Mr. and Mrs. G. the Nurtured Heart Approach, modeling how to use it, and now they were back sharing their successes. “Tzvi did his math homework so well,” Mr. G. said. “After that I told him how responsible he had been.”

Mrs. G. was beaming. “Tzvi’s rebbi sent home a note about a story he told in class. The other kids were excited and engaged!” she said. “Tzvi’s dynamic in school has been shifting, and he’s definitely trying hard.”

I shared their excitement. “You are becoming unstoppable in noticing, creating and verbalizing moments of strength for Tzvi,” I said. They agreed. I could see their pride and feel a shift in momentum.

Now we spoke about technology. Mr. G. wanted Tzvi completely off technology. I thought it might be very hard for him to go from all to nothing, but I realized Mr. G. was absolutely resolved. “He’s allergic to it!” he said. “I’m going to tell him we’re taking him off it.”

I had mentioned that clarity is key. Now I felt in awe of Mr. G.’s clarity and confidence, even as I warned him that we should not expect perfection. “We can set expectations, yet our children will make mistakes, and we will too.”

I myself would not have suggested taking Tzvi off of all technology at once, as many kids go into “detox” mode, with escalations. I would have just imposed rules and time limits. But I admired his parents’ decision. We discussed how to present these new limits to Tzvi and respond to pushback firmly but without drama.

Session Four

Mr. and Mrs. G. came in to report unexpected success! They had told Tzvi, “Your brain is not working well when you are on technology.”

Tzvi continued to ask for it. But his mother kept him busy, taking him out for music lessons and sports. When he would ask for the computer, she would gently remind him, “It’s not working for you.” Seeing that his parents were not giving in, Tzvi began to respond to the tech limits.

“I admire your clarity and consistency,” I told Mr. and Mrs. N. “You made a new rule, and you kept resetting to it. Tzvi feels how clear you are, and you made significant progress. Meanwhile, you are building other areas of strength.”

Now that Tzvi was following rules and resetting for technology, Mrs. G. asked for help with his meltdowns, building skills of resetting and self-regulating. The first step was to notice the moments he succeeded. I suggested starting with technology, since he had been remarkably cooperative. Mr. and Mrs. G. could say, “Tzvi, I know you really wanted to watch something, but when I said no, you reset yourself. Tzvi, did you notice the way you’ve been stopping yourself and working to calm yourself down?”

If Tzvi replied that no, he hadn’t noticed, his parents could respond, “Well, we’ve been seeing it.”

Mrs. G. wanted to help Tzvi learn to handle his anxiety about going up to the second floor of the house alone. “Tzvi asks you to be with him all the time,” I said. “Parents often feel that if they make things easier for their children, they’re helping them. But in reality, we’re encouraging their anxious behavior! Let’s get clear with Tzvi about your expectations. Build baby steps by giving him recognition when he does manage to be independent.”

Session Five

The G. family was on its way! Tzvi was doing better in school. Rebbi was sending home nice notes and the Tzvi’s parents would make a big deal about them. Mrs. G. had begun helping Tzvi overcome his need for her to accompany him upstairs, saying, “Tzvi, you went upstairs by yourself. You are so strong and courageous!” Slowly he was becoming more independent, and feeling good about being able to accomplish this on his own.

Session Six

I was dismayed to see Tzvi’s parents come in dejected. Tzvi had been suspended from school. His parents were told he had spit on a rebbi in the stairwell. When they picked him up, they were understandably angry and upset.

But Tzvi shared his side of the story with them. “We always have spitting contests, me and my friends,” he said. Somehow a rebbi came into the stairwell at precisely the wrong moment, and thought Tzvi tried to target him. Tzvi cried. His parents left work early to pick him up, and now felt like my NHA methods weren’t working.

“Let’s think about this from a different angle,” I said. “Tzvi was just having fun, and he made a mistake. He was also doing this with a friend, which shows that he’s doing better socially.

“I’m sorry he got in trouble for it, and sorry you were called to school. Yet maybe this is a reset! He was playing. It didn’t end well. But he shared his whole ordeal openly. He wasn’t aggressive and accepted the consequences. He took responsibility! He didn’t escalate! He was mature about it.

“And look at the two of you. You didn’t yell at him or threaten him. You listened to him. You were all a team. This was a reset!”

Final Sessions

I met with Mrs. G. alone for four more sessions. Tzvi had not completely stopped his escalations, but they became less intense and prevalent. He began taking responsibility for his outbursts and apologizing for them.

As we terminated our sessions, Tzvi was doing much better at home and in school. He was doing his homework and had detached from his tech addiction. He had more friends in school, and the home had become a more pleasant place to live.

Tzvi was still a feisty, intense kid, yet we were all now able to see his strengths. As his parents focused on his positive attributes, became clear about their boundaries, and helped him learn to reset explosive behaviors, he calmed down considerably. Everyone was happier.

Remember—Tzvi’s parents had come in ready to throw up their hands in defeat! Getting to a place where it was not only possible to live with Tzvi, but to enjoy him, was a total turnaround. I call that a win!

All names and details have been changed to ensure confidentiality.

Reprinted with permission from Binah Magazine

Yael Walfish, LCSW, empowers parents to help their children navigate their intense emotions and thrive. An experienced therapist and parenting coach, she is also the author of three therapeutic children’s books. Contact Yael at [email protected] or CenterForGreatness.com.