“We need a solution now!” Mr. and Mrs. G. told me at our very first meeting. Their 8-year-old son Tzvi was not thriving either at home or in school. He was a cute, feisty, friendly child, yet the entire family felt as if they were walking on eggshells around him to prevent his all-too- frequent meltdowns.
“He’s dangerous!” Mr. G. said. “Completely out of control! There are holes in our walls from all the kicking and banging.”
“He’s only manageable when he’s on the computer,” Mrs. G. said. “When he’s on technology we know at least he’s safe, and so is everyone else. It’s the only way we have any peace in our home or can get him to take his medications.”
Tzvi was taking meds for ADHD and anxiety. The psychiatrist who prescribed the medication had referred his parents to me. Now I told them, “I use an approach that is simple enough to put into practice immediately. We are going to embark on a journey of helping Tzvi connect with his strength. It’s a process, but I see a lot of success. I’ve been training parents, teachers, and therapists for nine years now, and I see miracles! I’m sure we will help Tzvi reset and thrive.”
Mr. and Mrs. G. looked at me with skeptical expressions. I understood. So many parents have been searching everywhere for the right parenting solutions but find themselves spinning their wheels. They’re burned out after too many dead-end parenting sessions.
I asked for more details, and they came tumbling out: Tzvi was explosive. He would hit and throw things. He would constantly follow his mother around the house. He wanted to watch videos on the computer all the time, and his parents would generally give in because it afforded them the only peace they could enjoy. Tzvi was having a hard time in school academically and socially, and would sometimes say odd things that would distract the class.
Mom and Dad were both remarried, so together they had a large, blended family. Tzvi was the middle child of their three youngest children, the children they had had together. But he was turning their world upside down.
Together, we set a vision. Our goal was to help Tzvi to believe in himself and connect with his areas of strength, which we would identify over time. We wanted him to believe he could do his work, build his social self-confidence, and to learn to reset himself before he explodes and throws things.
Session 2
Mr. G. walked into their next session with an agenda. “Before we hear more about this approach,” he said, “we need to know if it will help with Tzvi’s escalations. We need to help him stop getting physical, now.”
Mom added, “He can be destructive! We worry he’ll harm the other children.”
“I wish we could stop those escalations immediately, like magic,” I said. “That’s the end goal, but there’s a process to this.”
Intense children often do not respond to typical interventions. In fact, many interventions simply make things worse. Tzvi, an intense child, was stuck in a cycle in which he got upset and angry. He didn’t know how to stop, and had begun to crave the negative attention and connection he got from it.
We would begin to flip the script and notice Tzvi for the good things he does. We would even notice neutral moments, helping Tzvi see the kind, compassionate, gentle child he is underneath. We’d show him he can reset. That skill will build. They needed to trust the process.
I told them to give it a few weeks; I generally need six to 10 sessions. “Right now,” I said, “we will try our best not to energize the escalations with lectures, reprimands, warnings, or even kind, loving discussions about these behaviors. All that throws twigs into the fire we want to extinguish. Here’s the opportunity piece: We will learn to create and build during calm moments. And Tzvi will learn to reset and thrive.”
Mr. and Mrs. G. seemed skeptical, hopeless, even irritated, as if imagining they were wasting their time. As for me, I love these fiery kids. They’re super hard for their parents, but they’re our future leaders!
“I see you find it hard to believe this will be helpful,” I shared. “When I myself first heard about it, I thought, ‘How will this ever work?’ But now I see absolute miracles, and I’ve seen the most challenging situations: court referrals, youth psychiatric hospitals, even detention centers.”
I briefly showed them my children’s book, “Menucha for Menucha,” which is about a tantrum-prone little girl and how she develops self-control. I told them, “We’re going to do this step by step, helping Tzvi send away his storms and find his sunshine. These skills develop. But intensity is our greatness.”
Mr. and Mrs. G. started to reset their own attitudes before my eyes. I could see an aha moment when we spoke about how we have to shift focus to a child’s moments of strength and build in the white space. I told them, “We’re on a journey, figuring out how to help Tzvi become aware of his ability to reset.” Their homework was to begin to notice moments without escalation—anything neutral or positive. And they should verbalize any success they saw.
“I see you listening and asking questions, because you care so much and want to help Tzvi be his best—and of course, be safe too,” I said. “You are dedicated, loving parents!” They smiled, and I could see them becoming open and receptive.
“I believe we’re on the way,” I said. “I can’t wait to hear your success stories next week. Success can be as subtle as a shift of mindset. Maybe you’ll simply be more aware of the energy in your home, especially around Tzvi, this week.
“Next week we’re going to focus on our mindset. When we change the way we see our children, we begin to see different children. Are you ready to meet a different Tzvi?”
*All names and details have been changed to ensure confidentiality. Reprinted with permission from Binah Magazine
Yael Walfish, LCSW, empowers parents to help their children navigate their intense emotions and thrive. An experienced therapist and parenting coach, she is also the author of three therapeutic children’s books. Contact Yael at [email protected] or CenterForGreatness.com.
