As part of their “whole-child” approach to chinuch, the Rabbi Pesach Raymon Yeshiva (RPRY) in Edison hosted a free two-part parenting workshop earlier this month featuring the Nurtured Heart Approach (NHA). The two-part program also reflects the training teachers and administrators have had in the NHA method since 2019.
The workshop sessions were sponsored by RPRY parents Hava and Avi Freidenreich of Highland Park, who had seen the successes of using the NHA and wanted to expand its usage to the broader community. Several dozen parents attended the program.
Chana Luchins, principal of General Studies, introduced the concepts of NHA and put the program into context following a welcome by head of school, Rabbi Daniel Loew. RPRY staff began their journey six years ago to create a safe and warm community of learners where all children could excel. As he explained: “Learning is tied to emotional well-being and emotions are actually the drivers of learning.” Social interactions are the building blocks of learning, with the goal to create a “Torah-based way to develop self-awareness, self-reflection that will enhance learning.”
Naftoli Walfish, LCSW and Yael Walfish, LCSW began by introducing how their involvement with NHA began when they attended a workshop on NHA some years ago. They were inspired by the approach to “seize the greatness” of each child. Although NHA was originally designed for the most “difficult” of children, the process can help all children (and all interpersonal relationships) flourish.
As they explained, typical ways of communication often don’t bring about desired results. Negative behaviors often generate the most attention, so the negative behaviors continue.
The Core Methodology of NHA focuses on “three stands” where the practitioner refuses to energize negativity, they recognize and praise successful actions, and they set clear limits and consequences for which the child’s (or other party’s) behavior choices will determine outcomes.
The concept of “Four Powerful Recognition” types was introduced, with the caveat that they need to be genuinely felt: Active Recognition—narrating the positive behaviors seen lets the child know they have your attention; Experiential Recognition—at the moment an action is taken, acknowledge the action and state what it means; Proactive Recognition—showing the child that you notice the rules they did not break; and Creative Recognition—where praise is given for following rules.
NHA also introduces the concept and value of a “reset,” where negative behavior is acknowledged, but allows the child back in the “game” after a suitable time.
Source sheets provided to attendees included “Emotionally Nutritious Words” to use in describing someone and recognizing their value and a summary of the “Core Methodology.” Another strong message was to “change your words; change your world.”
Both sessions were opened with interactive, role-play exercises involving all participants. At the first session, attendees were divided into two groups. One group read negative messages to a volunteer, the second group read positive ones. Although everyone knew it was an exercise, those reading the negative messages felt badly, as did the recipient. The second session group activity had each participant read a positive statement to the person standing next to them. Both exercises helped to set the tone of the workshops and attest to the power of positivity.
One powerful segment involved an image of a white screen with a small black dot on it. When asked what we saw, the first thing people said was “the black dot.” The analogy was given that most people tend to only pay attention to the “small black dot of bad behavior,” while completely missing all the positive “white screen” actions that a child does. The key is to “amplify and highlight the white space,” with the goal of “catching” children being good and rewarding the desired behavior with praise.
Participants attended for a variety of different reasons, yet all were interested in their children. Eric Wallenstein of Highland Park attended to learn new tools, while always looking to improve parenting skills. Shana Agassi, also of Highland Park, parent of a first-grader at RPRY, attended the program to “learn new techniques in raising children to become fine adults.” Faigie Cornick of East Brunswick said it “was nice to learn techniques based on positivity, when we live in a world that is so negative.” Rena Merl of Highland Park said that she came to not only learn new parenting styles and ideas, but also to support and enhance the work and actions of the teachers at RPRY.
Session leader Yael Walfish summed up the program concisely, “Parents who came out on the coldest nights of the year to learn show their dedication to the children in their lives. Parents working with their schools is incredibly powerful.”
