Good communication will help you enhance positive and decrease negative interactions with your partner by enabling both of you to succeed in the six areas enumerated below.

1. Good communicators avoid misunderstandings, fights and emotional separation.

One of the goals of marriage counseling is to reduce the number and intensity of hurtful verbal and behavioral interactions. When tensions are high between two people because of internal problems in the relationship there tends to be an increase in misunderstandings, friction and emotional withdrawal. Additionally, when tensions are high in the lives of one or both members of the couple for reasons external to their relationship many people tend to “let it all out” at home.

Effective communicators avoid problems with their mates. Effective communicators discuss their personal problems with their spouse and enlist his/her emotional support, looking upon the spouse as a source of comfort and strength. They see their spouse as part of the solution rather than as part of the problem.

Poor communicators create problems with their mates. When tensions rise among poor communicators, there is a tendency to “press each other’s buttons,” thereby creating friction and even more tension. This alienation has a ripple effect and leads to the next problem, which is avoiding the discussion of problems altogether.

Poor communicators let problems grow. Poor communicators either blow up at each other when a problem arises, or have come to a point of exhaustion and have stopped fighting. In this scenario, they simply do not talk to each other about substantive matters. Consequently, neither will approach the other to forestall an anticipated problem. Once a couple reaches such a point of resignation, they grow farther and farther apart, creating a vicious cycle that makes it even harder to discuss their relationship.

2. Good communicators can disagree, yet argue respectfully and constructively.

Arguments can be good as long as both parties argue respectfully and in good faith. In a healthy relationship, the individuals are motivated towards the goal of solving the problem because each person is sensitive to the other’s needs. Further, if the suggested solution is the result of a joint effort, it is more likely that both parties will do their best to cooperate in bringing about the agreed-upon solution.

When training a couple to argue respectfully, I have three goals in mind:

Teach the 19 positive behaviors that will keep an argument on track, and elaborate on the 19 negative behaviors that are destructive to successful arguing.

Commit to avoiding the 19 negative behaviors when arguing with each other. Adherence to this disciplined approach will greatly enhance efforts to argue in a friendly fashion and change the emotional climate of the home.

Encourage each person to accept the role of “coach” or “instructor” so that they will monitor themselves as well as their partner for breaches of the accepted “rules of engagement” that both agree to follow.

3. Good communicators know when and how to talk, and when and how to listen.

The talk/listen technique. This effective mode of arguing gives each partner an opportunity to express himself in full detail while also making sure that the partner listened and understood everything that was said.

It takes both parties to solve an interpersonal problem. Successful collaboration on a solution to any problem cannot take place until both parties have had their full say on the matter, and each person is confident that the other person understands their position.

The talk/listen technique is especially valuable for argumentative couples. Both people will be encouraged to use the talk/listen technique as preventive medicine when they are about to discuss a potentially explosive topic. They will also be encouraged to use this technique when they find themselves in the midst of a heated argument and recognize that they are at the brink of a shouting match.

4. Good communicators resolve problems through discussion and constructive arguing; as long as the discussants deal with each other respectfully, arguing is a good thing.

Agreeing that they agree, or agreeing that they disagree. If two people argue constructively, when the argument is over, the chances are good that they will have resolved their conflict to each person’s satisfaction. And in those situations where they did not find a solution, they will at least have come closer to an understanding of what is mutually acceptable. In such a scenario even if each person has not achieved his/her original goal, since both now have a good understanding of their partner’s needs in the situation, both will be in an excellent position to work out a reasonable compromise. Therefore, the end result will be an approach they can both live with. In a worst-case scenario, when there is no agreement or compromise in sight, good communicators will “agree to disagree” and plan to approach the problem at a future date with goodwill on both parts.

5. Good communicators engage in frank discussions that reveal each person’s needs/desires/agenda and develop a clear understanding of how to fulfill each other’s expectations.

Couples are introduced to techniques that promote self knowledge and reciprocal understanding of each other’s needs, desires and agenda. Spouses in a happy marriage seek pleasurable joint activities with each other as well as personal validation and satisfaction of their psychological needs. People marry to increase their happiness, not their misery. A person who marries hopes to attain, in marriage, satisfaction of those needs, desires and expectations that cannot be satisfied as a single. What are those needs? Neither spouse can read the other person’s mind, hence the need for constant communication and feedback on this subject.

Promoting recognition and appreciation, and revealing unexpressed needs and the hidden agenda. The phrase “hidden agenda” refers to those needs, desires or expectations that each person wishes to have fulfilled in a relationship, but which are not explicitly expressed, much less discussed, with his/her partner. Often, the individual does not relate these expectations to his/her partner because they simply don’t know what they are. Living apart is not the same as living together, living together is not the same as marriage and marriage without children is not the same as marriage with children. Consequently, it is virtually impossible for an engaged individual to imagine every possible future scenario involving spouses, their future children together, their children from previous marriages, their respective in-laws and friends. How then can a future bride or groom know exactly how they would want their spouse to behave in each situation that has yet to occur? Since so many of these situations and expectations are yet to be born, they are hidden from each person’s conscious mind and are, therefore, part of the hidden agenda.

6. Good communication promotes sharing, companionship, and bonding.

If, in spite of people’s disillusionment, frustrations and the pain they have suffered in their marriage, they are still willing to invest time, effort and themselves to meet the challenge of getting into marriage counseling and meeting their problems head-on, it may very well be because those individuals believe that for all of its faults, the marital framework is still the best structure known to mankind within which people can grow in their ability to give and receive love, and develop selflessness, empathy and compassion for others. Moreover, within this framework, men and women can both achieve an abundance of satisfaction, support and personal fulfillment, as well as children, if they so desire—all of which add meaning to their lives, and ultimately deep happiness.