Rabbi Joseph Soloveitchik told the story of a Seder he remembered from his early childhood. He was about six or seven years old when he was sitting with his family on the Seder night. They had just made the Kiddush when in walks the Rav’s grandfather, the revered Rav Chaim Soloveitchik, wearing a pot on his head. Little Yosef Dov, looks up and asks: “Zaide, why are you wearing a pot on your head?” To which Rav Chaim answered: “Because tonight, my dear grandson, is different from all other nights. Tonight our ancestors were redeemed from Egypt. Rav Chaim then proceeded to engage the entire family, which included small children, women and older men in a conversation about the story of the Exodus.
Rav Chaim did something strange to connect not only with his son, Rav Moshe Soloveitchik, who was also a great sage, but also with his 6-year-old grandson, his wife, children and grandchildren. Rav Chaim made certain that everyone at the table was involved in the conversation because that is the mitzvah of the Seder Night — for everyone, no matter what age or background, to relate to the story of the Exodus of our people. The discussion must therefore be tailored to all those assembled, and we ensure everyone is engaged and everyone’s attention is aroused, even if it means wearing a pot on our heads.
The idea of tailoring the Seder to whoever is present is most dramatically demonstrated through the famous Fours Sons. The Haggadah speaks about four types of children: the wise son, the rebellious son, the simple son and the child who cannot even ask. These different personalities each ask different questions and receive different answers. In doing so, our Sages teach us a fundamental principle in education: “Teach your son according to his way” (Proverbs 22:6). Based on this verse, our Sages learn that children of different dispositions, tendencies and abilities need to receive different answers and approaches, even to the same question or event.
This idea is echoed in the Tanchumah which comments on the verse: “Moses spoke and God answered with a voice’” (Exodus 19:19). At the Revelation at Sinai, God spoke with a “voice” that Moshe could handle. Similarly, God’s “voice,” says the Tanchumah, came to each Jew according to his or her capacity: “The elders heard the voice according to their capacity, the young men according to theirs, the children according to their capacity, the infants according to theirs, the women, all according to their own capacity.” In the same vein, the Haggadah has four different parent-child dialogues, to teach how the Torah recognizes different types of children with different interests and questions all concerning the same Exodus from Egypt. Each child receives attention. Each child is given an answer. And although the wise son’s question is posed in a more sophisticated way than the simple son’s is, this does not mean that only he receives an answer. Both the wise and simple sons bring their own special talents and strengths to the dialogue. The wise son brings his profound and inquisitive mind and the simple son — his readiness and purity of faith. As the Brurei Hamidot, a commentary on the Mechilta, writes, the opposite of the wicked son is not the wise son but really the simple son. For the simple son is ready and willing to serve God in his utter simplicity and faith, to accept every aspect of the Torah, even the non-rational parts, which the rebellious son mocks. The rebellious son, after denying the foundation of our faith and removing himself from the community, still gets an answer. Finally, in regard to the child who knows not even how to ask, the Haggadah teaches “You must open” — the parent must begin a dialogue since this child does not even know enough to question. If you happen to have such a person, young or old, at your table, you must initiate the conversation to ensure everyone is engaged in the discussion.
All four sons must be commended for at least being present. The most problematic child is not the rebellious son for at least he showed up! It is the “fifth son” –—a term coined by the late Lubavitcher Rebbe— the child who never came to the Seder in the first place for whom we must be concerned, the child who never joined because Passover, the Exodus and all of Judaism simply has no meaning or value to him. I believe, however, that there will be more people at the Seder this year than last. MJE (Manhattan Jewish Experience) and other outreach programs are all reporting larger numbers of attendance since October 7t.(MJE is up by 37 %!) Years ago Alan Dershowitz once remarked to me: “Rabbi, a little antisemitism wouldn’t be bad for your business,” and he was right. Antisemitism on campus and elsewhere has awoken many Jews from their slumber, and we must welcome them to our Seders and Shabbat tables.
But we must learn how to embrace all Jews for an even more fundamental reason: to engage our own children in Yiddishkeit. There are some who view the four sons not as representing four different types of Jews, but as one individual at different stages of his life. A child is born as someone who cannot even ask. The small child grows and can now ask, but he is simple minded — his perspective of the world is black and white. As the child continues to mature into his adolescent years, he goes through a period of rebellion, questioning the values in which he was raised. We pray our sons and daughters continue on to the final phase of development, to that of the wise son, someone sincerely interested in wisdom and knowledge.
Ultimately, this is the goal of parenthood: to raise children who will one day be interested not only in questioning, but also in finding the answers. The great Rav Eisel Charif of Slonim was looking to marry off his daughter to a Torah scholar, and so he traveled to the world famous Yeshiva of Volozhin where the brightest Talmudic students were enrolled. Upon his arrival, he informed the head of the Yeshiva that he would present an involved Torah question to the students and whoever could give a suitable answer would be given his daughter’s hand in marriage. Rav Eisel posed the question. The question was so difficult that no one could answer it right away. He therefore stipulated he would give the students one day to come up with an answer. The day came and went and no one came forward. Rav Eisel got onto his coach and proceeded back home. Suddenly the couch driver heard a voice crying: “Stop, stop!” Turning around, he saw one of the students from the yeshiva running, desperately trying to catch up with the coach. The driver began to slow down but Rav Eisel told him to keep going: “It’s too late for him to answer now.” The coach driver pleaded with the Rabbi: “Have pity on this young man, look how he’s running with all his strength to catch up to us.” Rav Eisel relented, and the driver stopped the horses. As soon as the young man caught up, the Rabbi told him: “It’s too late to be considered for my daughter.” “I realize that,” the student said, “but I want to know the answer to your question. Can you please tell me?”
The Rabbi was so impressed with the student’s desire to know the answer to the Torah question that he brought him to meet his daughter. They eventually married and that young man became the legendary Rav Yossele of Slonim, the Slonimer Rebbe.
How far are we willing to go, how fast are we prepared to run to learn more and to grow in our Judaism? Pesach is a holiday that requires us to learn and observe more. It inspires us to never be content with where we are now, but to keep acquiring greater wisdom. This is why the Haggadah records how the greatest sages of the Talmud — Rabbi Eliezer, Rabbi Yeshoshua and Rabbi Akiva… stayed up all night discussing Yetziat Mitzrayim. I am sure they knew the story of the Exodus, but they remained awake because they wanted to know more. They desired a more penetrating understanding of God and of Torah. May this Pesach inspire us all to recommit ourselves to learn and study more Torah, to grow in our observance and commitment, and in doing so, bring the ultimate redemption.
Rabbi Mark Wildes, founder, Manhattan Jewish Experience (MJE), a highly successful Jewish outreach program which engages 20’s/30’s in Jewish life and which has facilitated 383 marriages
