July 20, 2024
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Something’s Going ‘Round (or Is It Flat?)

These days, it seems like more and more people are into insisting that the Earth is flat, and that we all believe it’s round because of a grand conspiracy. In fact, these people have their own “Flat Earth Society,” boasting members from all around the globe.

Wait.

So this week, we’re going to try to understand where the flat Earthers are coming from so we can better make fun of them.

Do flat Earthers believe that all planets are flat, or just Earth?

Well, they have to believe that the celestial bodies that we see as round are actually round.

Isn’t there a ton of proof to dispute Flat Earth Theory?

There’s a lot of empirical evidence for a flat Earth too. For example, the Earth looks flat, if you just look around and you’re in a flat area. Plus, if the world is round, how come no one has ever dug a hole to China?

What do they think is under the Earth?

Theories range from rocks to a giant turtle.

What’s stopping people from sailing off the edge of the world?

The fact that we don’t really use boats anymore.

Okay, smart guy. Why aren’t the oceans empty?

There’s an ice wall around the Earth, holding it all in.

Wait a minute. How could the Earth be flat? If I start walking, I’d eventually get back to where I am, right?

If you’re lost in the woods and you keep walking, you’ll eventually find yourself back where you started too. Does that mean the woods are round?

Well, how does anyone circle the Earth?

Okay, so according to Flat Earth Theory, unlike the maps in your textbooks, the Earth is not shaped like a two-page spread with a crease in the middle. It’s shaped like a pizza, with Antarctica being the crust—complete with an ice wall—and the North Pole being that little table-shaped thing that keeps the box from collapsing. So when you circumnavigate the Earth, you’re actually traveling around the North Pole.

How do these people explain day and night?

The sun and moon move in a circle above us, and when the sun is directly over you, it’s noon.

What about seasons?

In the summer, the sun makes smaller circles within the equator. In the winter, it makes larger circles around the equator.

Wait. So if we have summer when the sun is making smaller circles, why aren’t the days shorter?

I’ll do you one better: What about that stretch of the summer when the whole Antarctica has 24 hours of sunlight? How is that possible?

Not that this would solve much, but why can’t they believe that even though the world is flat, the sun stays where it is and we keep spinning like a frisbee?

Because if there’s no centralized gravity, we’d all end up in Antarctica by the end of the first day.

Wait. How does gravity work at all?

It doesn’t. In flat Earth theory, the Earth is accelerating upward at a rate of 32 feet per second so that if you let go of something, the Earth will rush up to meet it.

What’s pushing us up?

The current theory is that it’s dark energy, which has 60% more cacao than regular energy.

Doesn’t this hurt the turtle?

He has a shell. This is why Hashem made it a turtle, and not something else, like a skunk.

And all this bending over backwards is still easier for them to believe than the Round Earth Theory?

One of their big proofs is that if the world were round, planes flying to Europe, for example, would have to keep adjusting downward so they don’t accidentally soar into space.

Yes, but in their theory, wouldn’t planes have to keep adjusting to the left?

And also upwards, because the Earth keeps rising. It’s a nightmare up there.

Um… The round Earth society has pictures.

Fake news. All fake news.

Are you saying that astronauts went up to space and didn’t notice that the Earth was flat? How did they miss that? What about NASA?

They don’t believe NASA is real either.

NASA exists. I’ve seen it.

They believe it’s an agency, but not one that’s ever sent anyone to space. Sure, they tried. But it was really hard, so they started lying about it.

Why did they lie?

This was during the space race, when the U.S. and Russia were trying to beat each other to the moon. No one actually made it, but they wanted to pretend they did, so NASA said, “We did it!” and Russia said, “Um… So did we.” And this whole thing blew way out of proportion, and now it’s too awkward to say anything.

But they’re still launching rockets!

Not into space. We send rockets up, but they keep hitting the ceiling, or whatever it is up there.

Why would they keep up this charade all these years?

To cause human progress. Ever since the space program, people have been saying, “They could put a man on the moon, but they can’t do this?” And then someone invents a way to do it.

But how do they get all the photos and videos?

It costs a lot less to doctor a photo than send someone to space. NASA keeps getting money from the government for “space travel,” and some of that goes toward Photoshop.

So the government doesn’t know?

If Trump knew there was a wall around the planet, what do you think he would do with that?

Where does the rest of NASA’s funding go?

To posting guards on the ice wall so idiots don’t try bungee jumping over it.

But why are there no picture of the flat Earth?

There can’t be. If we can’t get into space far enough to get a real picture of a round Earth, we definitely can’t get into space far enough to get a picture of a flat Earth, which would be bigger.

Unless we took it from the side.

The guards won’t let us.


Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He also has seven books out and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].

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