Is it just me or have others experienced the following: You answer your phone and hear someone say, upon hearing your voice, the title of this article (look above). I’d rather not be told the call is a mistake and would rather the caller pretend they were indeed calling me and then make up some kind of excuse or apology that something suddenly came up and they have to run and will get back to me at a later time. Actually as I reread these words I am not actually sure what I would prefer. Do I want to be told that I am a mistake? Or would I rather speak with someone for 30 seconds who then suddenly announces they have to run?

Where I am really going with this is that in very few words and seconds, without thinking, we are all guilty of saying something to another that we might realize in retrospect we should never have said. At times it is not even in retrospect, it could be as soon as the words come out of our mouths but uh, oh, the damage has already been done.

We all encourage our friends and relatives to be “honest” when asking their opinion about something that could be inconsequential or at other times more important. Yet, how honest is honest? Somehow it brings me back to the days of leading sessions at the OU Marriage Retreats when my Mordechai was encouraging couples to be honest with each other, to an extent. He specifically mentioned a young couple getting married, googley-eyed in love with each other, totally infatuated every moment. Several years have gone by in the course of their marriage and neither he nor she has the same body size they had under the chuppah. Immediately an attendee got up and gave the following example: His wife asked him how she looked in a recently purchased dress. He made the grave mistake of being just a bit too honest, mentioning that he thought it was too tight on her and that perhaps she should buy a larger size. Whoops! Yes, we want honesty but just how much? Asking a friend their opinion of their newly tiled and designed kitchen and they mention that they would have chosen a different type of shelving. And then there is this: Going to a parent teacher meeting when you are expecting your child’s teacher to smother you with your child’s accomplishments, but upon hearing unexpected reports of your child’s behavior or efficiency in learning you immediately question the teacher’s ability to teach. Just how well does this teacher know her skills?

How interesting it is that in so many situations when a person is brutally honest we question their capabilities and sensitivities. Why can’t we accept words of criticism in a more positive vein? In some instances it probably makes sense to say nothing. Many have a tendency to offer opinions or feel the need to criticize when they are not even being asked. There is a way to make sure this behavior never happens and that is basically (excuse me) to shut one’s mouth. Not everyone wants or needs to hear our opinions about everything. How many parents feel the need to tell their about-to-be-married children exactly where they should be living, what they should be buying and where they should be working or studying. I am quite sure there are myriad cases where couples would much prefer to think things through on their own. Just as I grew up with the famous FHB (family hold back) during meals, when my mother was afraid she had not prepared enough food for a dinner with extra company, maybe it is time for parents to learn KYMS (keep your mouth shut) as well. Let your children become independent of you, which I assume is what we all hope and wish for. Wherever they go for Pesach, even if they end up spending one extra day with the ‘in-laws” than they do with you or perhaps this year they have decided not to “share” because it has become too complicated, be sure to express your gratitude to them for letting you know and wish them the best. Do not even criticize in your mind. Mistakes are not important in our lives—wise decisions are easier to accept.

Nina greatly appreciated the fact that so many designated her as the number one column in The Jewish Link. She would love to hear from you at any time: [email protected]