Kudos to Rabbi Rothwachs for writing about a well-accepted issue in his article, “What We Forgot to Remember: The COVID Truth That Slipped Away” (May 15, 2025), that the cost of our smachot, and weddings in particular, are out of control. I am a little disappointed though, as so much space was dedicated to the issue without one proposal to address it.
Before addressing a problem, you need to identify it. Having made weddings, here are some statistics on what would be considered a “normal” wedding today. Thirty thousand dollars or more on FLOWERS! Ten thousand+ for someone to sing (band not included). Wedding dresses that cost $3,000-4,000 to RENT for the day. Additionally, when you get engaged, it’s not enough to buy a $10,000-15,000 ring, parents buy engagement gifts for the girl also.
Boys are expected to buy a gift for the yichud room, as if the $250,000 wedding is not enough. Girls parents are told they HAVE to buy the boy a $3,000 watch and the boys parents are told they HAVE to buy silver candlesticks and sheitels (which cost thousands — but that’s a separate issue). The list goes on and on (engagement parties, auf rufs, sheva brachot). The leaders of our community, the rabbinate, need to organize the community to change. Not only for the waste of money, but in consideration for the people in our community who have no way to pay for this.
Here’s my suggestion. Like the giving pledge, where people pledge to give half their money away, there should be a Wedding Pledge. Where people publicly sign a statement that they are going to limit what they spend on a wedding. Then, specific examples must be given. Here are a few that will in no way affect the simcha of the wedding, but will save a significant amount of money.
We pledge to …
Not spend $30,000+ on a band and a singer. We will spend half of that on a singer for the chuppah and a DJ for the wedding, who can play all the songs we want.
I will not have a smorgasbord. I will have light drinks and a couple pass arounds.
We will not have center pieces on the tables that people sit at for maybe 30 minutes of the six hour wedding. If we really want them, they will be small and simple.
The flowers for the chuppah and bedekin will be toned down.
If we have a mechitza, we will not spend $3,000 on a wall. We will use whatever the hall has for free. No one looks at the wall anyway.
Engagement rings will be lab grown. If we want to spend on a regular diamond, we’ll take the difference and buy an Israeli Bond for our children … they’ll thank us later.
My 22 year old son does not need a $3,000 watch, thank you.
My 22 year old daughter does not need a $2,000 tennis bracelet, thank you.
No gifts in the yichud room. Hopefully our kids have better things to do there.
We commit to do our best to borrow as many dresses as possible, and any dress we buy we will lend to anyone who wants it.
The alcohol we have will be basic, not top shelf.
The simcha we have though, will be top shelf and not basic.
Obviously this needs to be fine tuned. And maybe people commit to doing some of these if they can’t do it all. But we need to do something for our community’s sake.
I would spearhead this, but (a) I’m not a leader and)b) To have the intended effect it has to be organized from the rabbinate.
Apologies to my friends in the catering, wedding and jewelry businesses.
Please keep my name anonymous … for my children’s sake.
Now, where do I sign???
