On Feb. 19 we were blessed to welcome a baby—our son. In the weeks leading up to my due date I had a number of people telling me that they were almost baffled by how calm I was. To be clear, I definitely had my moments: thinking about how this would impact my girls, thinking about the changes that would commence, some logistic considerations, etc. But overall, I identified some plans and backup plans and tried to lean into the recognition of what was within and what was beyond my control.
Looking back, I recognize the postpartum amnesia; I’ve heard that some women have a sense of amnesia regarding labor because if we truly remembered every detail we might not want to go through it again. I think this can be the case for those early postpartum days as well; we know and smile, thinking about the challenges of no sleep, feeding decisions and journeys and adjustment, but I think sometimes we forget how deeply these feelings touch us. Especially the more children we have. For some people it does not feel like a challenge—there is a sense of thriving during this time and it should be noted that it is a privilege to experience all of this. But I also believe anyone whose body faces any kind of delivery and then lack of sleep, hormonal changes, etc., feels a sense of challenge or struggle in those early weeks.
I set the intention—early in my pregnancy—to approach this time somewhat differently. I made plans, recognizing what felt difficult in the past, so that it could be easier in the future. I used these past experiences to inform me, but also reminded myself (constantly) that this time might be different and to practice flexibility. There are a few lessons I learned, and goals I set that made a difference—which included having multiple reusable water bottles ready to go in my fridge, stocking my pantry with accessible snacks—especially for the middle of the night, prioritize some time—even five minutes—with my other kids daily and above all else: accept help.
It can feel extremely difficult to accept help nowadays, especially for women. We receive messages, subliminal or direct, that we should be able to manage it all seamlessly. The classic adage of “work as if you don’t have children, and parent as if you don’t have a job” really summarizes the challenge. And of course the expectations are not exclusively for working moms, but for all women to be able to juggle a social life, family relationships, adult responsibilities and perhaps a household, children or work without complaint.
Asking for help can feel like speaking a foreign language and accepting help is akin to weakness or defeat. We want to show we can handle it. But handling it often includes giving up on ourselves in the process; we stop taking care of ourselves, and reinforce the wrong messages to ourselves and perhaps to those we care for. So this time, I accepted help. Especially as I could tell when people offered it sincerely. I learned that people truly want to help, and allowing them to do so actually gave them a boost at times. When people asked if they could get me a coffee, offered a meal, and checked in, I did not simply dismiss offers but actually thought about what could be useful.
We say that it takes a village, but we need to open our eyes to the villages around us and actually let our village form. I am sure there are many individuals who feel comfortable doing so, and I applaud you! But I also know that I’ve heard from countless individuals how difficult it can be to say yes to help and support. It does not make one weak to accept help. It requires strength to pause, look inward, and communicate open and honestly with oneself and others when we have needs. And we all do; we can’t do it alone. Whether it’s parenting, working, or simply functioning as a human—we all have needs and the more we are able to act with introspection, identify these needs, and accept or even ask for help, the more we can thrive and connect. The more we can live according to values and build our relationships. Because generally, people who offer help want to help—and the sooner we join together to offer and accept help, the sooner we can move toward our goals: connecting, healing, thriving, or even surviving.
I am so grateful for our little Erez, and I am beyond thankful for our village—family and friends—who show up and have offered help. And I’m grateful to myself for going outside my comfort zone. May we continue to share in smachot that allow us to provide help, and remember—we don’t need to wait for a joyous occasion to ask for, give, or receive support.
Temimah Zucker, LCSW, works in New York and New Jersey with individuals ages 18 and older who are struggling with mental health concerns, and she specializes in working with those looking to heal their relationships between their bodies and souls. Zucker is an advocate and public speaker concerning eating disorder awareness and a metro New York consultant at Monte Nido. She is honored to now serve on the board of Atzmi. To learn more or to reach her, visit www.temimah.com.
