Parshat Kedoshim commands us: “Ish imo v’aviv tira’u—Every person shall revere his mother and his father” (Vayikra 19:3). This mitzvah, paired with the more familiar commandment to “honor your father and mother” (Shemot 20:12), invites reflection. What is the difference between honoring and revering one’s parents? When in life is this mitzvah most relevant—and most challenging?
The Talmud in Kiddushin (30b—31b) explores this distinction. Honor (kavod) refers to practical deeds: feeding one’s parents, clothing them, and helping them walk. Reverence (yirah) entails an internal posture of deep respect—never sitting in a parent’s designated place, not interrupting them, and never contradicting them dismissively. One can provide for a parent’s needs while still lacking the reverence that the Torah commands. The mitzvah is not merely about action—it’s about attitude.
The Torah strategically alternates the order in which mother and father are mentioned. In the Ten Commandments, the father comes first: “Honor your father and your mother.” In Parshat Kedoshim, the mother is first: “Every person shall revere his mother and his father.” Rashi, citing Kiddushin 30b, explains this reversal: It is more natural to fear one’s father and to honor one’s mother. Therefore, the Torah instructs us to reverse our instincts—to teach that both parents are to be treated with equal reverence and honor.
We often associate this mitzvah with childhood. Children are taught to listen to their parents and treat them with respect. But when we consider the definitions given by our sages, we realize something profound: The mitzvah of honoring and revering one’s parents becomes most meaningful and most challenging when the child is an adult—and the parent is elderly.
The Talmud in Kiddushin 31a—b offers powerful stories to illustrate this:
- Dama ben Netina, a non-Jew from Ashkelon, refused to wake his father to retrieve a key—even though doing so would have secured him a massive profit. He sacrificed wealth to preserve his father’s rest, earning the Sages’ admiration.
- Rav Dimi tells of a man whose aging mother tore his clothes, struck him on the head, and spat in his face in public. The son remained composed, showing restraint and reverence under humiliating circumstances.
- Rabbi Tarfon allowed his elderly mother to step onto his back to get into bed. When he recounted this to the Sages, they responded: “You have not yet reached even half of what is required.”
- Rav Assi prepared to move to Eretz Yisrael but postponed the journey when his elderly mother changed her mind. He honored not only her needs but also her emotional whims.
These examples highlight a striking truth: The fullest expression of this mitzvah is not seen in the obedience of small children, but in the patience, compassion and humility of grown children caring for elderly parents—especially when those parents begin to decline physically or mentally. That is when the real test of honoring and revering begins.
Feeding a parent who once fed you, dressing a parent who once clothed you, listening kindly to a parent whose words may be confused or repetitive—these are holy acts. At that moment, you become a living embodiment of the Talmudic statement: “There are three partners in the creation of a person: the Holy One, Blessed be He, the father, and the mother” (Kiddushin 30b). When we honor our parents, we also honor Hashem.
And that may be why the Torah uniquely attaches the blessing of long life to this mitzvah. “Honor your father and your mother… so that your days may be long upon the land” (Shemot 20:12). This promise is rare and profound. The Midrash Shemot Rabbah (46:4) discusses the moral greatness of this mitzvah and how it forms a foundation for gratitude and good character.
While the verse speaks of long life, later commentators—such as the Sefer HaChinuch and various Mussar and Chasidic masters—understand this to mean not only longevity but also a life of meaning, inner peace and dignity. Just as we uphold our parents’ dignity in their final years, we are granted, measure-for-measure, days of our own dignity and spiritual fullness.
May we all find the strength and humility to honor and revere our parents—not only during the easy years of their strength, but especially in their years of vulnerability and need. And may those sacred acts of love and duty be a source of blessing for long, meaningful and peaceful lives.
Rabbi Dr. Avi Kuperberg is a forensic, clinical psychologist and is a member of the American Psychology-Law Society. He serves as the President of Congregation Torah Ohr in Boca Raton, Florida. He can be reached at [email protected].
