Dear Penina,

My oldest daughter’s wedding is coming up, and it is a very special time for our family. There is one issue that I am having a lot of trouble dealing with. Sometimes, my parents don’t know the appropriate boundaries and don’t respect our need for time with our kids without them. My mom, in particular, is giving me a lot of trouble. She wants to be involved in all the decisions and has strong opinions about everything. She doesn’t understand that when two families make a wedding, there are enough challenges getting both sets of parents on the same page and adding in her opinions makes it that much harder. On one occasion, she even called my party planner to ask a question, implying that it was coming from me. This situation is also affecting my daughter. She doesn’t want my mom joining every appointment and shopping trip. They want to sleep over for the Shabbos Kallah, but my daughter really only wants her friends, and she’s upset about this.

We are close to and respect my mom, and I am afraid that if I ask for space, she will be very hurt. This is putting stress on me, and I don’t want to take it out on my daughter, nor do I want my mom’s opinion to influence my daughter’s decisions — this is her special day. My mom is calling and texting too much. It seems my mom has forgotten how busy it is to plan a wedding.

How do I set boundaries without hurting her feelings?

Sincerely,
Stressed Out

Dear Stressed Out,

Wow! This is a lot, and I totally hear your frustration. Sometimes, when grandparents are extremely close and involved, it’s difficult to set boundaries and exclude them from certain times without hurting their feelings. One strategy that I find helpful for those in the sandwich generation is to plan times that work well for you to spend with your parents, filling their “love cup” so that when you don’t have time, they don’t feel like they’re not getting attention. I suggest going to the gym or getting a manicure with your mom, or something else that you would be doing anyway, so that “mom time” doesn’t become an extra piece to balance during this busy time.

You can include your parents in decisions or appointments that you don’t mind sharing and receiving input, whether it be choosing flowers, the wedding gown or wedding decor. This way, they’ll feel included without interfering with the overall planning process. You can also find a job for your mom that’s helpful to you but not interfering, such as planning sheva brachot or ordering linens for the couple’s new home.

You could also try to explain to your mom that your daughter is preparing for her wedding and has a lot to do and a lot on her mind, and she needs some “mom alone” time during this more needy period. I would suggest having an in-person talk with your mom, first thanking her for everything she does to help you and your kids, and acknowledge that she is a great mother and grandmother to your family. You value her opinion and input but now that there is another family involved, as you plan with the machatanim, too many cooks in the kitchen can be stressful. Emphasize that you appreciate her enthusiasm and love, and that you need her to wait for you to ask.

I hope this insight is helpful. Wishing you a wonderful and smooth engagement and wedding.

Sincerely,
Penina

Penina Flug, LCSW, has dedicated over two decades to helping individuals, couples and families. She received her master’s in social work from Fordham University in 2003, and advanced training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) in 2015. Her private practice focuses on relationship therapy and premarital education. Penina is also a passionate advocate of premarital education within the Jewish community. Penina also contributes to the field by training premarital educators, including kallah teachers. Penina can be reached at [email protected].