When you get the call, you just know. The school nurse starts with, “Everything is okay, but …[your child] has a 102 degree fever and you need to pick her up within the next hour.” Oh, so what you mean is that everything is not okay! My work day is disrupted and I’ll need to plan for who knows how many days off until the 24-hour fever-free mark? Sigh. “I’ll be there soon.”
I once got a call from daycare that began, “Everything is okay, but,” and I was already nearly out the door to pick up my daughter when the teacher continued and informed me that my daughter had been bitten by a classmate and that she wanted to let me know they were keeping an eye on the injury. You know that feeling when you breathe a sigh of relief that your kid was nearly cannibalized but at least they don’t have a fever? No? Just me? (I know it’s not just me!)
As we near the end of cold and flu season, many parents are still feeling the exhaustion of months spent juggling sick days, work stress and disrupted routines. Even as the weather warms up, the anxiety that comes with every sniffle or school nurse call can linger. It’s worth reflecting on our experiences this season as we (hopefully!) reach the end of this season of sick days.
In my work as a perinatal mental health therapist, I spend the months of September to April commiserating with moms whose kids are sick (again!) and out of school (again!) while my clients navigate “working” from home (with kids interrupting) or calling out from work (again?!) because working from home is not an option. It’s cold and flu season for the rest of the world but for parents it’s “use-up-all-your-sick-days-taking-care-of-your-sick-kids-until-you-get-sick-and-have-no-sick-days-left-for-yourself” season.
As a mom myself, I know the struggle is real.
Many of my clients discuss what we can call the “anticipatory anxiety” that comes along with cold and flu season—the spike of fear when you hear that strep is going around the classroom or when you notice that your kid feels a little warm before bed. It can be hard to navigate the fear that the sickness is going to come for you and that when it (inevitably) does, you’ll go from barely keeping it together at home to utter chaos at home and in your head.
Other than encouraging good handwashing and general hygiene, we are faced with the reality that there’s not much we can do to prevent sickness. How do we manage the stress when we can’t control when and if our kids get sick?
Validation
First, I like to empathize with my clients and validate that feeling worried about the disruption sickness will cause is totally normal. Of course you don’t want your kids to get sick; not just because we love our kids (we do!) but because sick kids throw a wrench into the delicately balanced chaos of carpools, homework, extracurriculars, doctors appointments and, of course, our jobs. For many parents, the Covid-19 pandemic made clear just how disruptive sick days could be: a sniffle could mean kids home from school for days due to quarantining or awaiting test results and for some parents, school closures meant leaving the workforce entirely. And of course, the fear that sickness could mean something more severe. So while, thankfully, a sniffle doesn’t mean what it used to, daycare and school sick policies do usually mean at least a full day or two at home with contagious symptoms. And for some parents, the dread and anxiety experienced during the pandemic can be triggered when kids get sent home from school sick: Even when we rationally know that they’ll be back in a few days, it can sometimes recall those pandemic times when illnesses could mean days at home.
Radical Acceptance
Once I work with my clients to validate their stress – yes, kids being home can be really disruptive; yes, it makes sense that it’s hard to navigate work responsibilities when you’re dealing with kids at home; yes, it’s not fair that you don’t have more sick days – I like to spend some time recognizing the things we cannot control.
Here, we can apply the concept of radical acceptance using the “ball in water” metaphor, a concept borrowed from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). Have you ever tried to hold a beach ball underwater? If you try really hard, it’ll go under, maybe even completely, for a moment, until it pops back up (and sometimes smacks you in the face). The ball represents the unwanted experience of your kids getting sick and all the challenges that brings. The effort we expend trying to keep the ball underwater represents the energy we spend on feeling worry or fear around the possibility that our kids will get sick and then the anxiety of how we’re going to manage it when they end up sick. Once we recognize that no matter how hard we try, the ball is going to float, we can let go and “just keep swimming,” showing up to life and managing the challenges we are faced with.
Radical acceptance is one (very challenging!) part of managing cold and flu season anxiety.
Self-Compassion
Self-compassion—recognizing that we are feeling overwhelmed and showing ourselves some grace—is another important skill I work on with clients. It’s okay that you’re not okay sometimes. It’s not easy to feel all the feelings and do all the things, especially with a sick kid along for the ride.
Sometimes, the only way to really get a handle on these big feelings is to approach ourselves the same way we might try to approach our child when she is feeling big feelings: with empathy, curiosity, and compassion. Using the framework of Internal Family Systems therapy (IFS), we can recognize that there is a “part” of us that is very scared and worried about how to manage the challenges we face. Rather than scoff at this part or tell it to calm down, IFS therapy suggests that we tap into self-energy—the idea that there is a core, wise and compassionate self within us that can step in and care for this anxious part, just as we would comfort a child in distress. When we approach our fear with curiosity instead of judgment, we create space to soothe and support ourselves rather than being overwhelmed by anxiety. This shift allows us to respond from a grounded place, rather than reacting out of fear.
At the end of the day, we can’t completely avoid the chaos of sick days, but we can work towards taking care of ourselves through the disruption. We can work towards validating our feelings, accepting what we can’t control and practicing self-compassion. When the school nurse calls to let us know that “everything is okay…but,” take a deep breath and remember: you don’t have to fight the chaos, just move through it. The fever will break, the routines will return and life will settle (until the next round, anyway). In the meantime, you’re doing your best, and that is more than enough.
Looking forward to a happy and healthy spring, seasonal allergies and all! (Sorry, too soon?).
Chana Brauser, LCSW, PMH-C, is a therapist in private practice providing telehealth therapy services in Florida and New Jersey. She received a Perinatal Mental Health Certification (PMH-C) through Postpartum Support International and specializes in reproductive and perinatal mental health, supporting individuals through pregnancy, postpartum infertility, parenthood and related challenges. Chana is deeply committed to size-inclusive therapy and providing a welcoming, nonjudgmental space to explore body image, societal pressures and self-acceptance. To schedule an appointment with Chana, visit chanabrausercounseling.com.
