“Fat” is a body descriptor—like tall, short or brown-haired. But when a young person uses the word “fat” to describe how they feel, it’s often code for something else: shame, insecurity, anxiety, loneliness or a longing to belong. It’s rarely just about their body: More likely, it’s about how they’re feeling inside their body—and in the world.
In a culture that often equates thinness with worth and visibility, it’s no wonder young people internalize harmful messages about their bodies—sometimes before they even understand them. Wondering how to respond in a way that helps your tween or teen feel safe, seen, and accepted? Here are a few responses to consider, each designed to foster emotional safety and understanding.
- Stay Calm and Curious
It’s tempting to jump in with reassurance or denouncement—“You’re not fat!”—but that can shut your kid down in a moment of vulnerability. Instead, show curiosity. Help them unpack what “I feel fat” might actually mean. Did something happen at school? Are they comparing themselves to others? Are they feeling insecure? By staying grounded and curious, you help your child slow down and explore what’s underneath the statement.
This could sound like:
- “Is something going on that is making you feel this way, especially now?”
- Gently Name That ‘Fat’ Isn’t a Feeling—Without Dismissing Them
Help them develop emotional literacy—naming real feelings like sadness, stress or self-doubt instead of labeling themselves as fat. By doing so, you’re also removing the moral weight of “fat” being a bad thing, and this can help reduce body shame over time.
This could sound like:
- “Sometimes people say ‘I feel fat’ when they’re feeling really uncomfortable or overwhelmed. Do you think that might be true for you right now?”
- “Fat is something bodies can be rather than a feeling. But it sounds like you’re feeling something.”
- Validate Their Emotional Experience
Validation doesn’t mean agreement—it means showing your child that their feelings are real and safe to share with you. When kids feel heard, they’re more likely to keep talking. When they feel dismissed or brushed off, they may turn inward—or to less helpful sources of comfort, like social media or harmful behaviors.
This could sound like:
- “It makes sense to feel upset sometimes about our bodies. You’re not alone.”
- “This is a tough age and a tough culture when it comes to bodies.”
- “That sounds really painful. Thank you for telling me.”
- Affirm Their Worth Without Referring to Appearance
Even well-meaning compliments like “You’re not fat, you’re beautiful!” can send the message that being thin is the goal, and that it’s the only acceptable way to feel good about oneself. Instead, try redirecting focus away from appearance entirely and affirm who your child is—not how they look. Help them build a self-image that’s rooted in their character, their passions, and the way they treat others.
This could sound like:
- “There are so many things that make you incredible—and none of them have to do with your size.”
- “Your body doesn’t define who you are. Your kindness, creativity and humor matter a lot more.”
- Support With Tools
When the hard moment has passed, you can model problem-solving and help your child take an empowered approach to difficult thoughts. This might include things like practicing grounding, limiting social media exposure, naming the “inner critic” and choosing a compassionate response, and creating affirmations that feel true and reassuring. These are tools they can use not just now, but for life.
This could sound like:
- “Let’s come up with something you can say or do when these thoughts and feelings come up again in the future.”
- “Are there ways you can remind yourself how amazing your body is—how much you’re able to do with it, even on days when you don’t feel your best?”
Final Thoughts
If your teen isn’t ready to talk—or if it’s simply not the right moment—you can gently remind them that their body is changing to support growth and adulthood. These changes can feel confusing or uncomfortable, and that’s completely normal. Let them know you’re there for them whenever they feel ready to talk. If you notice that your child is struggling or showing signs of disordered eating, consider offering the support of a therapist who can help them navigate these feelings in a safe and healthy way.
Your child’s body is not the problem. The shame, pressure and fear they are experiencing is. When you respond with warmth, curiosity and emotional insight, you create a space where your child can begin to understand their own thoughts and feelings with compassion instead of fear. You also show them that their worth is unshakable—even on the hard days.
Tamar Sullivan, LSW, is a therapist at Hilltop Behavioral Health, specializing in the treatment of children, adolescents and adults struggling with eating disorders, body image concerns, anxiety, depression and OCD. She is passionate about helping individuals heal their relationships with food, their bodies, and themselves. In addition to her clinical work, Tamar is dedicated to advocacy and education surrounding mental health and eating disorder awareness. To learn more or to get in touch, you can reach her at [email protected].
