Dear Dr. Chani,

I have been struggling with an issue for a few months and I could really benefit from your perspective. My wife and I have been married for almost a decade with no major issues. Yet, recently, I have begun to worry that she is getting too close with one of her male colleagues at work. But I am worried that I am making a big deal over nothing and I do not want to create an issue in our marriage if I am just being paranoid.

I must admit that I am head over heels in love with my wife. She is an incredible person. She is sweet, kind, outgoing, beautiful and smart. I can understand why someone else would be attracted to my wife, and sometimes I worry about her getting caught up in a relationship with another guy, in general. It’s not that I don’t trust her. It’s just that I do not trust all of the males around her.

I am not a typically anxious or controlling type of person. That is why I keep telling myself not to think about it or mention it to my wife. Why should she have to be held back because of my imagination? I also do not want her to think that I am insecure or possessive.

Still, things recently reached a point that I decided to reach out to you. My wife, a successful software developer, has been on her phone with a certain colleague after she gets home from work. She also checks her Slack messages all the time because her male colleague—let’s call him Avi—reaches out to her at all hours of the day and night. I find it very intrusive to have her communicating with Avi late at night. I asked her why she has to check her messages and she said that they have important deadlines at work and that she needs to pull her weight with the team. Of course, I can understand that she is very responsible and wants to do a good job. I just wish that after work she could leave it all behind and focus on me and our family. And I wonder if she is developing a relationship with him (or maybe he is developing it with her).

Also, my wife sometimes talks about conversations that she had with Avi and it seems that they talk about lots of things other than computer code. She has this excited look in her eye when she describes some of the interesting stories that Avi tells her about himself. This contributes to my discomfort with the situation.

Do you think that I should mention something to my wife? I do feel that our relationship is solid, so I am wondering if I am just making something out of nothing. Should I just tell myself to calm down and stop worrying? If I should speak to her about my concerns, what should I say?

Sincerely,

Natan

Dear Natan,

Your feelings of uncertainty and discomfort make a lot of sense. It sounds like you trust your wife and do not want to convey any doubt about her fidelity. At the same time, you do not want to ever have a reason to feel like she is giving unnecessary attention to another male.

From what you have shared, your wife is a dedicated professional who values teamwork and responsibility. You can appreciate that sometimes her work communication is necessary after hours, especially when deadlines loom. However, her ongoing tendency to communicate with Avi while at home, and the way that she speaks somewhat fondly of him and seems energized about their conversations, make you feel uneasy.

Your feelings matter, even if your wife is doing nothing inappropriate with Avi. Her interactions with Avi—even if completely innocent—are enough to make you feel overlooked, somewhat jealous and unsure about her priorities.

A strong marriage is not just about trusting each other. It is also about feeling secure, valued and prioritized. You should not ignore your emotions just because you do not want to seem insecure.

Let’s explore how you might delicately broach this topic with your wife. The first thing to keep in mind is to make sure that you are not accusing her of any misconduct. Your goal in opening up a conversation is to let her understand your feelings, and to help her recognize what she can do to improve the situation. If your wife feels that you are blaming her for doing something wrong, she will likely become defensive and distant. Therefore, instead of making assumptions or expressing suspicion, focus on sharing your feelings.

It can be helpful to begin the conversation with reassurance, letting your wife know that you love her, trust her and value your relationship. Next, give her some background to help her understand the context for your feelings. Try to use “I” statements rather than “you” statements, so that you are focusing on your feelings, rather than her behavior. For example, “I’ve noticed that your work communication with Avi stretches into late hours, and sometimes I feel like we don’t get to have as much ‘us’ time in the evenings anymore. I know that your work is important to you. At the same time, I want you to know that this dynamic makes me feel somewhat ignored and a bit uneasy. Sometimes, I even feel a little replaced by Avi.”

After you convey the context and express your feelings, listen carefully to your wife’s response. She might be surprised by your revelations, or she might share that she also feels pulled in different directions. It is possible that she will feel defensive as well. Allow her time to understand your feelings and to let that sink in.

Ideally, you can take turns sharing your feelings and listening to one another. Eventually, ask her how you can work together to establish better boundaries so that her work relationships are strictly professional and that she is able to create limits on her work communication after work hours.

Engaging in an open, heartfelt and loving conversation can help you create an opportunity for mutual understanding rather than tension. Sometimes allowing yourself to be vulnerable and genuine can be the best repair for your relationship. Talking with your wife about your concerns and brainstorming together how you can improve the situation can lead you to a renewed sense of reassurance and closeness.

Wishing you much success,

Chani

Dr. Chani Maybruch is a social psychologist who has specialized in helping people build and enhance their relationships for over two decades. If you would like to improve your personal and professional relationships, reach out to her at chanimaybruch.com.