Author’s Note: As we wind down Sefer Bereishit, this week will be the final installment of Parenting from the Parsha. It’s been two years since I began this wonderful journey, which really started as a COVID project when I had a little bit more time on my hands, and ended up turning into a truly wonderful experience. Parenting, and the importance of thoughtful parenting, is something extremely important to me and I am honored to have helped others be more thoughtful about their parenting through the prism of the weekly parsha. Thank you to all those who have read the column and to those who reached out with words of support and encouragement. Any and all feedback is welcome. I can be reached at [email protected].
In this week’s parsha, Yaakov blesses each of his children. There is much debate amongst the commentaries regarding the exact nature of these brachot. What was Yaakov hoping to accomplish with these blessings? Were they references to the past, descriptions of the present or prophecies of the future?
I believe that if we look closely, the major theme that threads throughout all the brachot is their description of the present. With each blessing, Yaakov strives to capture the uniqueness of each of his sons—to highlight major aspects of their personality, talents or character. Yaakov wants each son to understand that his father sees something unique and exceptional in him. He wants each child to feel seen and cherished for who he is.
Many of us grew up watching the well-known children’s TV show, “Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood,” created and hosted by Fred Rogers. In a 1969 Senate hearing regarding the future of PBS funding that might impact his show’s viability, Rogers shared the goal of his show, namely to “give an expression of care every day to each child, to help him realize that he is unique.” Famously, Rogers would end each show by declaring to each child, “I love you just the way you are.”
I believe that if we were to sum up our most important role as parents, it would be to ensure that children understand and feel that they are each loved “just the way they are.” We must create a home that exudes warmth, love and acceptance—no matter what. That our care for them does not depend on anything they do or don’t do, but is inherent in our relationship. We value and appreciate them for who they are.
This doesn’t mean that we should not have expectations of our children, make demands on them or even discipline them when necessary. It simply means that our children must know that, regardless of what happens, our love for them remains. If our kids grow up with this deep sense of support and love, it will serve them well in two important ways. Firstly, as they encounter the outside world and begin to develop other relationships with people that may be less accepting and more critical of them—friends, peers, neighbors, co-workers—they will be better equipped to withstand those challenges, knowing that they have a home base of support that they can always come back to. Secondly, as our children grow up, the inevitable areas of tension or conflict that arise between parents and children will be more easily navigated if the fundamental base of the relationship is one of complete love and acceptance.
A couple of recent examples of this idea:
In an interview on the 18Forty podcast with his son Gedalia, Rabbi Menachem Penner, the dean of RIETS, shared a foundational point regarding parenting and dealing with conflict. He pointed out that if the first time you let your children know how much you love them is when you are trying to work through a particular area of tension or conflict, then it’s going to be particularly hard to navigate the conflict. But if the conflict arises within the context of a strong and loving relationship, then the results can be very different.
In a recent Mishpacha article (Issue 939), Rabbi Shimon Russell, a well-known authority in the yeshiva world regarding the challenges of struggling youth, shared his own personal experience raising children who were “off the derech.” At a particularly painful point during his challenging journey, a profound insight occurred to him. He needed to relay to his daughter, “[You can only] try to defy me more than I can love you. You won’t be able to, because I love you unconditionally. I knew then and there,” Rabbi Russel continued, “that my daughter’s defiance would allow me to help her heal, because if I could love her more powerfully than she could defy me, then perhaps I could help her feel safe and start her journey to recovery.’”
On a personal note, I have mentioned each Friday night, after giving my children the standard Shabbat bracha, I share a more personal bracha with each of them. While the content of the personal bracha varies from week to week, I end every bracha with each child with the following words, “and always remember that no matter what, Abba, Eema and Hashem love you so much.” In my mind, these words capture the message that is most important for our children to internalize—that as parents, we will always love them no matter what, and that Hashem, as their Father in Heaven, will always love them as well.
In this week’s parsha, as Yaakov’s life winds down and the patriarchal era comes to a close, Yaakov’s final message to his children is an incredibly powerful and important one. Yaakov relates to each child’s unique nature, and he speaks of his appreciation for that uniqueness. Through his brachot, Yaakov makes sure that his children understand that he loves each of them “just the way they are,” a crucial parenting lesson that continues to resonate through the generations.
Rav Yossi Goldin is the menahel tichon at Yeshivas Pe’er HaTorah, Rebbe at Midreshet Tehilla, and Placement Advisor/Internship Coordinator for the YU/RIETS Kollel. He lives with his family in Shaalvim and can be reached at [email protected]
