In Parshat Bereishit (2:15-18), the Torah states, “Hashem said, ‘It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper against him.’” Rashi is bothered by the phrase ezer k’negdo—a helper against him, as these terms appear to be contradictory. How can woman, the mate that God is about to make for man, be both a “helper” and “against him”? Rashi answers that if man is worthy, she will be a helpmate, but if he is not worthy, then she will be opposite him, to fight him.

I would like to look at Rashi’s explanation from my lens as a marital therapist.

I believe that in this verse, the Torah is giving us the recipe for healthy, connected, marital relationships. Hashem is stating the formula in one simple word—ezer—a helper. To grow a strong, intimate relationship with our spouse, all we need to do is be an ezer, a helper. That’s it. So simple. Or is it?

We must first define the term “ezer.” What does it mean to be a “helper”?

A helper is one who assists another, be it physically or emotionally. However, in order to assist someone, one has to understand the person in need of help, to know what it is they want and need. The person in need will feel that they are being helped only if the person lending them a hand is helping them with what they need. If, on the other hand, the person assisting is helping in a way that they believe to be helpful, rather than in a way that is meaningful to the person they are assisting, the act will not be perceived as helpful by the receiving person.

Since spouses are of different sexes, come from different families of origin, have different personalities and life experiences, it is common that they show love and caregiving in different ways. And their definitions of “help” and caregiving can differ greatly from one another. For example, men often show love and caregiving to their wives through physical acts. Providing financial stability, taking care of things around the house and, in general, “fixing” problems often has great meaning for men vis-a-vis their feelings of taking care of their wives and families. Women, on the other hand, often define “helping” or “taking care of” as being emotionally nurturing or talking about feelings. Additionally, one spouse might hail from a family that showed love and caregiving by exhibiting a great deal of physical warmth, while their partner might come from a family whose love was implicit, but rarely shown overtly by hugs and kisses. As a result of the differences in the way “help” or caregiving was experienced, it is not uncommon in marriages for partners’ actions not to be perceived as helpful or supportive by the other. When this happens, messages get lost in translation, and may result in hurt and disappointment.

My experience with the many couples with whom I work has shown me that all couples are looking for the same thing. We are all looking toward our spouse to be the “ezer” that Rashi speaks of. We all crave understanding, compassion and acceptance from our spouses. And when they fail to meet our expectations, we become disappointed and hurt. Sometimes we show our disappointment by hurtling anger toward our spouse. We become the k’negdo, the “opponent” that Rashi speaks about.

In a few short weeks, it will be Rosh Hashanah. We have been blowing the shofar since Rosh Chodesh Elul and will blow it 100 times on Rosh Hashanah. According to the Rambam, the shofar’s blasts are meant to wake us from our slumber. To waken us from our frenetic lives, in which we often function on autopilot, again and again repeating our errant behaviors without giving them the necessary thought or attention. The shofar comes to help us pause and look inward, with honesty and clarity. Something that is incredibly hard to do.

How helpful it would be to us in our marriages if we were to look at ourselves—only ourselves! Instead of focusing on what our spouses are not doing or should be doing, what would happen if we would look at ourselves and consider, “How can I be an ezer, a helper, to my spouse? What does my husband or wife need of me? What is he or she asking from me? Physically and emotionally? What would happen if I would put aside my defenses; stop defending my behaviors so I can empathize with my spouse’s needs. With what he needs from me. So she can feel that I am hearing her, understanding him, being there for her?”

So, when we hear the blasts of the shofar this Rosh Hashanah, may we all rouse ourselves from our slumber to become a true ezer, a helper, to our spouses, which the Torah speaks about when it first introduces the concept of marriage. If we can do that, to be the ezer our partner needs, our spouse will certainly respond to us with love and compassion. He or she will be our ezer. We will receive the very love and understanding and acceptance from them that we are seeking.

Laura Turk, MS, LMFT, LPC, NCC is a licensed marriage and family therapist. She practices marital and pre-marital therapy in Teaneck, New Jersey. Contact Laura at [email protected] or by calling her at 201-823-7933. You can also visit her website at www.marriagecounselingbergencounty.com.

By Laura Turk, MS