Recently, I had one of those days when I couldn’t seem to find a moment to myself. I had been at work for many hours and then had to run errands up and down Manhattan. When I finally returned to Port Authority, sweat on my brow and bags in tow, I decided to treat myself to an iced coffee.

I approached the Starbucks and quickly made my decision: Grande Iced Caramel Macchiato. My favorite and go-to choice in both winter and summer when I need a little extra kick. As I was waiting for the barista to finish preparing the drink, a sudden feeling of dread and anxiety hit me in full force. It was unexpected and only after receiving the drink and holding it in my hands did realization dawn. Once upon a time, this drink had been my meal.

Years ago, in the throes of my eating disorder, I had been on a strict meal plan as instructed by my treatment team. Still, the eating disorder thoughts were incredibly strong and I had been manipulating my meal plan. I wanted to recover, and yet it is not as simple as willing it to happen. Recovery takes hard work, time, and challenging oneself even while things feel impossible or hopeless.

While I was away at school each day, I would tell my parents that I was buying a drink from Starbucks that could be considered a meal. As I had been used to meal supplements, they believed that one Starbucks drink was equivalent to one such supplement. Rather than buy a drink that may have had the caloric value I needed, I opted instead for an iced coffee and withheld this detail from them. Even those iced coffees, which I drank while Skyping with my father during a break from classes, felt nearly impossible.

Being accountable for feeding myself was, of course, the healthy step and what my mind and body needed and yet at this time it felt like I was somehow betraying myself. Drinking an iced coffee required supervision and felt painful, affecting not only my mental state but also triggering a psychosomatic effect, causing a stomach ache at the first sip.

Now, of course, I recognize that an iced coffee is not lunch. An iced coffee is meant to be refreshing, tasty, and perhaps to provide some much-needed caffeine. Food is not meant to be looked at as a chore or something to be manipulated. It is to be enjoyed. Perhaps an individual is on a healthy diet so there is some consciousness about intake. At the same time, this is not a reason to spend copious amounts of time thinking about food. This experience only takes away from spending one’s time meaningfully and doing things to develop and foster the soul self.

My eating disorder robbed me of years of my one life that I have to live. And so, I can acknowledge how much the struggle taught me about myself, how it pointed me in the direction of my life goals. But I will never let an iced coffee control me that way it did in the past.

Temimah Zucker is a social worker who works at EDTNY-Monte Nido. After recovering from her own struggle with an eating disorder Temimah began working in the field as a public speaker, meal mentor, and therapist. You can reach Temimah at [email protected] or look at her site, snackingonlife.com

By Temimah Zucker, MSW