I am not that old. Let’s just say I’m on the back nine. I have been noticing something within most Orthodox Jewish communities for at least the last 10 years. We Orthodox Jews used to be the poster children for how to lead a good, caring, moral and ethical life. We were always hard working; we gave (and continue to give) lots of charity. We were always very concerned about being careful about committing a chilul Hashem.

What I have been noticing over the last 10 years, more so over the last five to 10 years, is that we are not as nice to each other as we used to be. There are many examples I could point to, such as people not moving their shopping carts in the stores. They leave their shopping cart in the aisle and go to another aisle to shop, but their cart is completely blocking the aisle. So, you might say, “Just move it yourself.” I do, but that is not the point. People will eat you up alive for a parking spot. People will reach right over you and grab a piece of sushi at a kiddush. People will take food at a kiddush and stand and eat in front of the buffet, blocking it for others, while talking with someone else doing the same. There is just no consideration for the next person. It’s all about me.

I think we all believe that today’s younger generation is not considerate, not as considerate as their parents’ generation. I’ve heard this complaint many times. It’s commonly known as the Me Generation. I have heard parents in their 30s saying, “If I’m happy, my children will be happy.” Think about that comment. Not long ago the expression was, “If my kids are happy, I’m happy” or “A parent is only as happy as their most unhappy child.” These expressions no longer apply. Today, “young” parents need to be very happy themselves. It’s all about me.

My overall concern is that we as Orthodox Jews seem, in many cases, to be more concerned about the size of our home and the name on the car we drive, rather than driving home meaningful values to our children and helping those in our communities who may need serious assistance. Please don’t misunderstand me; I know that we give enormous sums of money to tzedaka. I see houses going up all over Teaneck, Bergenfield, Tenafly and Englewood. (I live in Teaneck so I see this in Bergen County. It certainly is happening in all orthodox communities.) I see the cars that people drive, including friends. Do we really need homes bigger than 5,000 square feet? (I’m being very generous here!) Do we really need to drive the fanciest of cars, like Maseratis and Bentleys? Years ago, anyone driving such a car wore a cap and had a passenger in the back seat. Today we drive these cars wearing yarmulkes and we have our children’s car seats in the back seat. Do we need to have our children making the mess that children will make, in Range Rovers? Aren’t Honda Odysseys and Chrysler minivans good enough? Apparently not.

Please let me clarify. I know that we as a community give lots of tzedaka. I also know that if you are building a 10,000-square-foot home and driving a car like those above, you didn’t take the money from me. You didn’t rob a bank or take the money from the community. Yet you don’t realize how conspicuous your consumption is. It is in everyone’s face. Is that what you really want to do? Yet, that is what you are doing.

I know there are many families who cannot afford to send their kids to Jewish day schools. They can barely pay the mortgage on their 2,500-square-foot homes. I have seen many families, especially since COVID, lose the income of their primary breadwinner. There are many mental health issues that have arisen, at the parent level, since COVID. In many instances, people’s income has not been replaced. There are so many examples of people who are still unemployed today. Remember, not every Orthodox Jew is a doctor, lawyer, investment banker, real estate developer or a partner in a private equity group.

I am not trying to impose my value system on anyone else. I am trying to touch a nerve and alert everyone to the fact that, despite giving maaser, or even more, to tzedaka, we are creating the wrong value system for our children, grandchildren and community.

What values are you passing down to your children; that the only important value is money? On March 27, there was an article in The Wall Street Journal with the results of a poll it conducted with a research organization at the University of Chicago; it found that the only value that people today regard as important is the value of money. It used to be tolerance for others, religion, hard work and involvement in community. These values have significantly dropped in importance. The only value and priority that has grown in importance in the last 25 years is money. This applies to everyone, not just Orthodox Jews. But we as Orthodox Jews have been living this lifestyle and reflecting this value for many years already. The only thing that matters to us is money, and we make it our life’s work to show everyone around us that we have it. Let’s face it, if you can’t show it off what is the use of having it?

In addition to the negative values that we are showing our children, the shame that those who live next door to a 10,000-square-foot home being built must feel has to be enormous, when in many cases they are struggling to pay their mortgage, tuition and make a Pesach. Now I’m reasonably certain that after reading this article nobody is going to say, “Honey, call the architect. We need to downsize our plans for our new home, from 10,000 square feet and three wings to only 5,000 square feet.” Sensitivity to the values we are showing our children and to the rest of the Orthodox Jews in the community is most important.
We as a community have lost sight of that. Our values should be about a lot more than only money. We are not the same as the rest. We are supposed to be better than the rest. We used to be better than the rest.

Each one of us should look deep down inside ourselves and think about whether we are really living the values that we think we are, the values that we truly want our children, grandchildren and community to see and to live.

Steve Mayer and his wife, Cherie, have been living in Teaneck for five years.