Dear Dr. Chani,
I consider myself to be a generally positive, confident and intelligent person. The one area of my life where I feel tremendous self-doubt is dating. Even though I have thought a lot about what kind of person I would like to marry and I am aware of the subtleties of dating etiquette, I find myself frequently second-guessing even the smallest decisions such as what to say on a date and how to say it. Right now I am in the middle of dating someone and I could really use your guidance.
The pressing issue that I am facing is that I am not sure how to balance dating with my job. I have a demanding job and I work long hours. I love my job and I have worked hard to get to my current level in my company. However, I truly want to get married and dating is my first priority. Because of this, I have been willing to go out on dates that start at 7:00 p.m. and end at 12:30 a.m., even though it means that I will stay up most of the night to finish up the remaining work from my day. I am willing to be exhausted if it means that I am doing my utmost to get married.
Recently, I went out on a third date that lasted seven hours! The guy took me out on a Sunday to a state park that was a two-hour drive away from my home. It was a lovely day and we had a great time walking around. Yet, after three hours, when I realized that we had a two-hour drive back I began to get nervous. Around that time, he asked me if I thought we should head back and I said yes. We ended up getting home around 1 a.m. I wonder how I can avoid getting myself into this kind of situation in the future.
When I spoke to the matchmaker about it, she told me that there is not much I could have done to make the date shorter. She explained that if I had asked him to go home earlier he would have sensed that I was not interested in him or he would have gotten the impression that I was not serious about dating. She told me that I need to follow his lead and let him decide where to go and for how long.
I wish that I could ask the people I date to make our dates 2-3 hours, especially on the first few dates when we do not even know if we like each other. Even though I make time for dating, I would love to be able to keep my dates to a reasonable time frame so that I can function the next day. The matchmaker made me question my judgment and keep my feelings inside. It seems so artificial and it makes me feel like my needs do not matter.
What do you recommend?
Sincerely,
Marathon Dater
Dear Marathon Dater,
Your challenge about balancing dating with your time-consuming job stems from a much larger issue that many people face in dating. You wonder about how you can express your needs to someone you date without him getting a misimpression or turning him away. In fact, this is an essential skill not only in dating but in all relationships.
In every relationship, there are times when you may feel like things are not the way you would like them to be. Whether you express your feelings or not depends on what is at stake and how important the issue is for you. Sometimes you might choose to let it go and deal with it on your own. Yet, at other times you need to give honest feedback so that you can meet significant needs that you have and improve your relationship.
When it comes to the duration of your dates, which is a recurring theme for you in dating, you need to communicate your needs. Keep in mind, it is a good sign that the people you date enjoy spending time with you so much that they do not rush to take you home!
First of all, from a practical standpoint, you want to be your best on a date and at work. When you feel pulled in two directions, you sacrifice your ability to perform in both arenas. You cannot be your best on a date when you feel like it is getting too late for you. Sooner or later you are likely to express your exhaustion, frustration or resentment in some form or another.
As you describe, when you began to feel nervous about when you would return home after dating for five hours, your date asked you if you would like to head back. Even though you had not verbalized anything, he seemed to have intuited that it was time to return home. Given how you were feeling at that time, it is very possible that you communicated how you felt to him without words. More than 75% of what we communicate is nonverbal. Your body language can communicate how you feel even if you do not speak. This is one of the reasons why it can be better to express how you feel than to keep it bottled up inside.
Another reason why you should convey your work schedule to your date and explain your preferred time frame is that it is important to be true to yourself. When the matchmaker advised you to follow your date’s lead and refrain from sharing your needs, it made you feel small and insignificant. This mindset prevents you from feeling confident and articulate on a date. It also fosters your tendency to second-guess what you say and do. This is detrimental to you finding a person to marry since you are not allowing a person you date to get to know you and appreciate you.
Since marathon dates pose a significant problem for you it is important for you to convey your needs to the person you are dating. Start by framing your feedback in a positive way. You might say something like, “I really enjoy spending time with you. Our conversations are so interesting that I feel like I could talk with you for hours.” Then, explain the issue you are facing. “I’m wondering what to do because I have a demanding schedule at work and I often have to stay up most of the night when I get home from a date since I have work left over from my day.” Lastly, clearly communicate your expectations. If you do not clarify what you would like him to do, he might not figure it out on his own. Remember he is not in your situation and he cannot read your mind. For example, you might end by saying, “I would really appreciate if we could date for closer to two or three hours so that I can enjoy my date with you and get my work done at a decent time.” When you convey your feelings in a positive way and explain your perspective, it is likely that your date will appreciate your honesty and adapt to meet your needs.
Additionally, since you mentioned that you sometimes date through a matchmaker, you can use that to your advantage. When the matchmaker is involved in giving someone your phone number, or perhaps scheduling your date, s/he can also mention your need to return home early. If the matchmaker mentions it before you even meet a potential date, it allows the person to see it as a restriction of your schedule, as opposed to a rating of how your date is going. In a similar way, if you do not use a matchmaker, you can openly and honestly convey your scheduling restrictions before your first date. That way, he will not see it as feedback about his performance on your date.
A person you date usually can sense when you are feeling comfortable and being genuine with him. By sharing your situation and clearly communicating your needs you will not only catch more sleep, but you will hopefully succeed in building a real relationship based on mutual respect, trust and appreciation.
Wishing you much success,
Chani
Dr. Chani Maybruch is a social psychologist and relationship coach, specializing in teaching emotional connection and communication skills for over two decades. She coaches individuals and couples, and teaches online courses to help you create your ideal relationship. Get free relationship resources and contact her at www.chanimaybruch.com
