I. Shadchan
For the Masses

There is a recent Netflix series about a real shadchan, matchmaker, who sets people up to date for marriage. This raises an interesting question about matchmaking ethics and halacha. I have not seen the show and do not intend to see it. From what I have been told, while the shadchan is Orthodox, the people dating are not. Is it permissible for an Orthodox matchmaker to suggest marriage-oriented dates (“set up”) people who are not religiously observant? Is it proper to help a Jew make the most important decision in life, to set the tone for the rest of his days, in a way that does not involve religious practice? Should you make others happy at the expense of your own religious values? (If I am misinformed about the show, then I apologize. We can easily set the show aside, and any other issues it might raise, and focus specifically on the above questions.)

Rav Yair Chaim Bacharach (17th century, Germany; Responsa Chavos Ya’ir, no. 185) discusses this question in regard to the biblical prohibition of “lifnei iveir” and the rabbinic prohibition of “mesayeia yedei overei aveira,” both of which include assisting someone in sinning. The Gemara (Avodah Zarah 6b) says that you may not pass a glass of wine to a nazir—who is forbidden to drink wine—because doing so violates “lifnei iveir.” However, that prohibition only applies if you and the nazir are on two sides of a river. Meaning, if he cannot reach the wine and can only violate the prohibition through your help, then passing him the wine constitutes a violation of lifnei iveir. If he can violate the prohibition without you, e.g., you are both on the same side of the river, then when you pass him the wine, you do not violate “lifnei iveir” because your role is not essential. Tosafos (Shabbos 3a, s.v. bava) say that even on the same side of the river, there is still a rabbinic prohibition of mesayeia—not to assist in a sin.

Rav Bacharach discusses “lifnei iveir” in a case in which you provide forbidden wine. Since the purchaser can always buy wine somewhere else, “lifnei iveir” should not apply because it is as if you are both on the same side of the river. However, if the wine is not available at a comparably low price or with equally limited difficulty to obtain, then you are—once again—on different sides of the river. If you are offering a huge discount that is not available elsewhere, then you violate “lifnei iveir” when you sell it. In a parenthetical comment, Rav Bacharach adds that it is, therefore, biblically forbidden to set up an apostate Jew (a convert to another religion who remains halachically Jewish) with a potential spouse. Since it is difficult to find a spouse, you are providing a potential for him that he might not find elsewhere. And since an apostate will live a life that is not halachically observant, you are facilitating for him a sinful life. Even to prevent an intermarriage—which is likely for an apostate—Rav Bacharach does not allow matchmaking. This would seem to argue that it is forbidden to be a shadchan for non-religious Jews.

II. The Professional Shadchan

Rav Naftali Tzvi Yehudah Berlin (Netziv; 19th century, Russia; Responsa Meishiv Davar 2:32) addresses the same question regarding non-observant Jews. Are you allowed to set up two non-observant Jews if you know that if/when they marry, they will not observe the family purity laws? Netziv sets aside “lifnei iveir,” because they can find a match elsewhere. With this, he implicitly rejects Rav Bacharach’s argument. Presumably, he believes that if there is an appropriate spouse out there—anyone can find it—you are not essential. However, we are still left with the rabbinic prohibition of “mesayeia.” We are obligated to distance people from sin, not bring them closer to it.

Netziv quotes Rav Ya’akov Ettlinger (19th century, Germany; Responsa Binyan Tziyon, no. 15) who argues that Tosafos and Rosh hold that “mesayeia” applies only at the time of a sin. If there is a sin going on, you cannot be part of it. However, before the fact, there is no prohibition. Since your role in setting people up takes place before any prohibition occurs, you do not violate mesayeia. However, Rashi, Ran and Rambam seem to apply “mesayeia” more broadly. But even they would allow it for the sake of peace or even for the sake of income. Therefore—concludes Netziv—if you are paid for the matchmaking then you are allowed to set up non-observant Jews.

III. The Officiating Rabbi

In an article in the Knesses Yisrael journal from Slabodka (Elul 5699, pages 18-20), Rav Yaakov Meskin (20th century, United States) argues that a rabbi who officiates at the wedding on a non-religious couple does not violate “lifnei iveir” because the wedding is too far removed from any halachic violations by the couple. He says he heard Rav Elchanan Wasserman quote the Chafetz Chaim as saying that “setting up a non-religious couple violates the prohibition of following after (providing assistance to) an adulterer (okeiv achar ha-no’ef; see Shavuos 47b),” because niddah is a forbidden relation like a married woman. Rav Meskin points out that the Chafetz Chaim does not invoke “lifnei iveir.” Perhaps, he means that the Chafetz Chaim applies this to a man and a single woman who is a niddah, but not a man and his wife. If so, it would be permissible to officiate at the wedding of a non-religious couple, but not to set up a non-religious couple.

Rav Shlomo Aviner (cont., Israel; Responsa She’eilas Shlomo 3:346) permits acting as a shadchan for non-religious Jews for a number of reasons, among them:

1) There is no “lifnei iveir” because they can marry or get together without the shadchan.

2) Any sin that occurs will be at a later time.

3) The shadchan intends for this to be a mitzvah (see Shulchan Aruch, Orach Chaim 169:2).

4) The shadchan is saving them from any relations they would otherwise have outside of marriage.

In the end, there seems to be some debate about serving as a shadchan for non-religious Jews. Notably, the Chafetz Chaim was very much opposed. In contrast, the Netziv and others permit it. In a time when intermarriage is rampant, perhaps there is even more room to help non-religious Jews marry each other. However, according to those who are lenient, we still must always encourage proper behavior and discourage forbidden pre-marital touching. Even if our words will be ignored, we have to stand on the side of what we know is proper behavior and interaction between an unmarried couple.

Rabbi Gil Student is the editor of www.TorahMusings.com