קדושין על ידי שליח
Kiddushin 41a
Some grooms get to see their bride for the first time just moments before the wedding. Others date their brides to be for months or years before committing to marriage. Yet others meet their brides for the first time after the marriage ceremony has taken place.
Jewish law permits marriage by proxy. A man and a woman who wish to get married—but are unable, for some reason, to meet before the wedding or at the wedding—may each appoint an agent to participate in the marriage ceremony on their behalf. The groom’s agent gives an object of value to the bride’s agent while declaring in the presence of witnesses that the bride is betrothed to the groom and the absent principles are then effectively husband and wife.
Indeed according to Tosafot, Eliezer, acting as Abraham’s agent, betrothed Rivka to Yitzchak before Yitzchak ever set eyes on her. And the Talmud tells us that Abraham did not see Sarah before marrying her.
Can a man really appoint an agent to betroth a woman on his behalf, asks the Aruch Hashulchan? If that were so, one should be able to appoint an agent to perform other personal mitzvot on one’s behalf too. Put on tefillin for me, say grace after meals for me, eat matzah on Pesach for me, listen to the shofar and the Megillah for me, learn Torah for me and sit in the sukkah for me. But, that does not work. The rule is, mitzvot that pertain to the body must be performed by oneself and not by somebody else on one’s behalf. So how can one delegate the personal mitzvah of marriage to an agent?
The Aruch Hashulchan answers that there is a distinction between performing the mitzvah itself and הכנת מצווה preparing to perform the mitzvah, “hachanat mitzvah.” Whereas one must perform a personal mitzvah oneself, one may appoint an agent to prepare for the mitzvah on one’s behalf.
The marriage ceremony itself, explains the Aruch Hashulchan, is only the preparation for the mitzvah. The mitzvah itself is peru urevu, to have children. Just as a person may ask another to purchase tefillin, or build a sukkah for him, so too, a person may appoint another to participate in the marriage ceremony on his or her behalf.
But marriage by proxy is the exception and should only be used if the bride and groom are certain that they wish to get married but are unable to get together. The rule is, “אסור לאדם שיקדש את האשה עד שיראנה, Assur l’adam sheyekadesh et haisha ad she’yirenah, it is forbidden for a man to marry a woman without first seeing her.” This is because the couple may find that they are not attracted to one another and may hate being together. Such a situation would violate one of the most important of mitzvot, ואהבת לרעך כמוך” vehavta l’reacha kamocha, love your neighbor like yourself.”
But is seeing one’s spouse for only a few moments before the wedding enough to get to know one another? How long should one “see” one another before getting married? How long does it take before one is sure that there is a personality fit?
This is a difficult question to answer. Some people are happily married after a very brief courting period and there are those who live together their whole lives and are unable to enter into marriage.
“We would like to get married,” a couple once said to Rabbi Moshe Feinstein, “but we need time to get to know one another. We understand that the halacha prohibits living together before we are married, yet we do not want to rush into marriage. May we take separate rooms in the same boarding house but take our meals and go about our daily lives together?”
“According to the halacha, you may,” responded Rabbi Feinstein, “as long as the host and hostess of the boarding house are informed that you are not married. However, I would not recommend it,” he cautioned. “It seems disingenuous. If you are physically attracted to one another and you are from good families and have good reputations, there comes a time when you must take a leap of faith in the hope that this is the right match.”
Rabbi Eliakim Ellinson explains what Rabbi Moshe Feinstein was really saying. There is a dynamic to commitment that may act as glue. If the door is forever left ajar, it becomes too easy to bolt when the going gets rough, as it sometimes might, in even the best of marriages.
Raphael Grunfeld, a partner at the Wall Street law firm of Carter Ledyard & Milburn LLP, received Semichah in Yoreh Yoreh from Mesivtha Tifereth Jerusalem of America and in Yadin Yadin from Harav Haga’on Dovid Feinstein, Zt”l. This article is an extract from Raphael’s book “Ner Eyal: A Guide to Seder Nashim, Nezikin, Kodashim, Taharot and Zerai’m” available for purchase at www.amazon.com/dp/057816731X or by e-mailing Raphael at [email protected].
