The program is designed to help couples set the foundation for a lifetime of deep connection.
(Courtesy of Project Ezrah) As we are all well aware, an abundance of time and money goes into the planning of a wedding. From the caterer to the band, the flowers and everything in between. However, all too often, one important detail that gets neglected is investing not just in the singular event of the wedding, but in the yearslong journey of love, partnership and family that the wedding truly represents. One can only imagine the benefits to Klal Yisrael if the same time, effort and money is put into building the foundations for the marriages.
Project Ezrah, YUConnects and the YU Counseling Center, in conjunction with marriage specialist Dr. Avi Muschel and personal finance educator Tamar Snyder Chaitovsky, are coming together to help Jewish couples get their marriages off to a great start and lay the foundation for a lifetime of connection. Building on the successes of Project Ezrah’s The Aisle program, an engaging financial education workshop, the newly expanded Aisle+ program will also feature a seminar given by Muschel that will present a road map for enhancing communication and guidance for strengthening a deep sense of connection to one another.
“We are very excited about this partnership and workshops offered to our couples. Engaged couples often ask us how they can learn more during engagement and early marriage about each other and deepen their relationship and this is an invaluable resource,” said Dr. Efrat Sobolofsky, director of YUConnects. “We have been blessed to feature both Dr. Muschel and Tamar Snyder Chaitovsky on our CandiDate podcast, where they each respectively gave us a taste of the very useful content and practical skills they impart to young couples.”
In the morning session on Sunday, Dec. 17 at the Young Israel of Teaneck, engaged and newly married couples will have the opportunity to learn how to prepare a written budget and communicate effectively with their future spouse about money. Teaneck resident Snyder Chaitovsky, a noted financial educator who leads personal finance presentations in many high schools, will serve as the facilitator for the financial education portion of the program. “Tamar is passionate and knowledgeable about financial education and is dedicated to helping young people make smart money decisions,” said Rachel Krisch, executive director of Project Ezrah in Bergen County.
After lunch, couples will have the opportunity to learn about and utilize the important tenets of Emotionally Focused Therapy. Using the framework of the Building Lasting Connections model developed by Dr. Debi Gilmore and Dr. Rebecca Jorgensen, participants will better understand themselves and their spouses and gain deeper insight into the emotional needs of the other, helping to navigate differences in backgrounds and attachment styles. Muschel will use real-life examples based on the most common areas of conflict among frum Jewish couples and help demonstrate how to have more effective communication around difficult topics. He will also use his experience to educate the couples on how to adjust to marriage and maintain consistent rituals well into their marriage. Muschel is trained not just in couple’s counseling, but has worked extensively with helping newlyweds navigate early marriage struggles. He previously counseled YU students at the YU Counseling Center and maintains a strong connection there.
“YU, YUConnects, and the YU Counseling Center are in a unique position to see students evolve from first-year college students to starting to date, and in many cases ultimately marry,” notes Dr. Yael Muskat, dean of mental health and wellness and director of the YU Counseling Center. “This puts the responsibility on us to be there for our students to help through these transitions and this seminar is an exciting step toward that goal.”
The feedback Muschel has received from his pre- and early marriage guidance has been very positive, with many couples noting the incredible value of receiving education on marriage and having the space to explore their own relationship in a manner that is seldom offered or contemplated. It was with this in mind that Project Ezrah and YU realized the importance of offering this expanded Aisle+ program as a service to the entire community to get couples started on stable footing both financially and emotionally.
In addition to the Sunday afternoon seminar, Muschel, alongside the YU Counseling Center, will offer two heavily subsidized private counseling sessions to engaged and newly married couples, courtesy of Project Ezrah and YU, to make sure everyone has access to these helpful resources and to eliminate any stigma that may be attached to seeking assistance in starting their marriage on the right foot.
Although it is often lamented that the state of marriage in the United States is at an all-time low, the research suggests a more nuanced conclusion with reason for optimism. Indeed, the divorce rate across the country is at an all-time high, but so too are expectations of what satisfaction within a marriage looks like. Unlike any generation before, people getting married today are looking for their romantic partner, life partner and best friend. The bad news about setting the bar so high is that more marriages than ever are failing to reach such a lofty goal. The good news, however, is that the marriages that succeed are probably among the most fulfilling marriages in history.
Within the Orthodox Jewish community, the immense financial pressures to live up to the almost impossible standards that have been set, including paying exorbitant tuition bills, is just one of the added stresses that young couples face, a stress Project Ezrah is all too familiar with. Importantly though, while money is a very poor determinant of success in marriages, how couples talk about and relate to financial stresses is a paramount factor in marital satisfaction and feelings of secure attachment. In fact, more broadly, it is important for young couples to understand that conflict within a marriage is (surprisingly) less of a predictor of dissatisfaction or divorce than a simple lack of closeness. Unfortunately, couples tend to perceive conflict as the primary issue and therefore only seek counseling once the conflict has risen to a level that makes feelings of closeness something from the distant past. And this is where the value of such a program really hits home.
Muschel’s experience is that when one spouse learns something new and troubling about their spouse after the wedding, couples who had received this education prior to marriage tend to be more proactive and open to finding the help needed to deal with it, rather than waiting until such an issue escalates beyond repair.
Marriage today is among the highest risk, highest reward investments a person can make. There are few things, if any, that can improve individual lives, children’s lives, and communal strength more than strengthening the state of marriages. With a little boost, the odds of success for that investment can be dramatically changed. As couples prepare the details of making the most beautiful wedding, please do not miss an opportunity to make the most beautiful marriage as well.
Engaged and newly married couples are invited to register for The Aisle+ at ezrah.org/aisle Contact [email protected] with any questions.
