“Through Fire and Water” is the epic story of the life and times of Reb Nosson of Breslov, zy”a. Reb Nosson had a command of kol haTorah kulah, mastery of the entire revealed Torah and its secrets, and with utmost bitul, sacrifice and dedication, he devoted himself to recording and transmitting Rebbe Nachman’s teachings and spiritual path. “Without my Nosson,” proclaimed the Rebbe, “nothing of me would remain.”
As an exceptional young masmid and scholar, Reb Nosson yearned to find his place, and in 1801, spent time in the presence of the great Reb Levi Yitzchok of Berditchev. Sitting with those who gathered for melave malka, Reb Nosson was assigned the chore to fetch bagels from the local baker. Later that night, while deep in contemplation, Reb Noson began to feel dejected. There was nothing wrong with shlepping bagels—in fact it was an honor to serve the tzadik in any way he could. There just had to be something … more. As wonderful as the Berditchev community was, he was frustrated with all of his private ups and downs, and felt a gnawing absence of inspiration and guidance. He now realized he was desperately yearning to find his real purpose and makom (place), and to acquire abiding menuchas ha-nefesh, peace of mind. Secluding himself in a side room of the shtiebel, Reb Nosson poured out his heart for hours, reading Tehillim and tearfully beseeching Hashem for guidance. Eventually, he collapsed on a bench and cried himself to sleep.
In his dream, Reb Nosson saw a ladder stretching from earth up to the Heavens. He began to climb the ladder, but fell down. He tried again and climbed a little higher, but again fell. Each time he climbed, he climbed higher, but fell lower. With great effort, this repeated itself over and over until he was about to reach the top. This time when he slipped, he fell into despair of ever reaching his goal. Just at that moment, someone appeared at the top of the ladder and called out, “Droppe zich, un halt zich! Climb! But hold yourself!” Reb Nosson was startled awake. The face and these words remained etched in his mind.
It was about a year later, after the Yamim Noraim in 1802, that Rebbe Nachman arrived in the town of Breslov, only a few miles from Nemirov, where Reb Nosson lived. Word spread quickly of the dynamic and mysterious rebbe and tzadik. Reb Nosson, the consummate seeker, felt he might finally be able to find a mentor who would help him escape his inner turmoil.
Traveling to Breslov, Reb Nosson came before Rebbe Nachman and introduced himself. Rabbeinu smiled and said, “We’ve known each other for a long time, but we haven’t seen each other for a while … Now I am no longer alone!”
Reb Nosson gasped: He was beholding the very face that had appeared at the top of the ladder in his dream a year before. It was Rebbe Nachman who had encouraged him, “Climb, but hold yourself!” The guidance he needed had already been within himself. He only needed to learn to hold onto it.
From then on, like the sun and the moon, rebbe and talmid were inseparable. Reb Nosson had found his life’s calling—and the inner emunah and meshivas ha-nefesh that would allow him to keep climbing and holding himself steady through tremendous challenges.
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וַיִּפְגַּע בַּמָּקוֹם וַיָּלֶן שָׁם כִּי־בָא הַשֶּׁמֶשׁ
“And Yaakov encountered the Place — and he slept there, for the sun had set….”
וַֽיַּחֲלֹם וְהִנֵּה סֻלָּם מֻצָּב אַרְצָה וְרֹאשׁוֹ מַגִּיעַ הַשָּׁמָיְמָה
וְהִנֵּה מַלְאֲכֵי אֱלֹקִים עֹלִים וְיֹרְדִים בּוֹ
“And he had a dream: a sulam, a ladder, was set on the ground and its top reached to the heavens, and messengers of God were going up and down on it.”
(28:12)
As a refugee, running from a brother who sought to kill him, Yaakov Avinu’s future is uncertain. With nowhere to go and no roof over his head, he yearns for safety and settled consciousness, searching for his place in the world. Yaakov spontaneously encounters the makom, a place of absolute holiness, and וַיִּפְגַּע, so-to-speak “bumps into” Hashem, Who is also called HaMakom.
Reb Levi Yitzchak of Berditchev explains that Yaakov is suddenly making sense of all his challenges, hardships, ups and downs. He now understands that his bridge, his ladder connecting the upper and lower worlds is already within him: And “olim v’yordim bo, the angels were ascending and descending within him.” The ladder that each of us needs to climb is within us, beckoning us to rise to our highest destiny, and to thereby bring upper lights down into the lower world.
Rav Adin Steinsaltz, zt”l elaborated on the metaphor of a ladder. Whether ascending or descending, one must pass one foot and then the other through the empty space between rungs. Lifting a foot and stepping off terra firma is destabilizing and unsettling. Stepping between inner spiritual planes or levels requires passing through inner uncertainty, again and again. It requires learning to hold fast to the emunah deep within us.
In our personal and national journeys toward self actualization and finding our makom, our place and purpose in the world, there will be ups and downs, confusions, challenges, falls, triumphs and revelations. Through all of this, may we stay the course and continue to climb toward our individual and collective destinies. May we lovingly hold ourselves wherever we are standing right now, and embrace the radical courage and leap of faith it takes to step into empty space.
Rav Judah Mischel is executive director of Camp HASC, the Hebrew Academy for Special Children. He is the mashpiah of OU-NCSY, founder of Tzama Nafshi and the author of “Baderech: Along the Path of Teshuva.” Rav Judah lives in Ramat Beit Shemesh with his wife Ora and their family.
