This question sounds absurd. Of course we are—right? Let’s explore.
Our babies are born and from when they are only days old we start singing to them professing our love:
“I love you in the morning and in the afternoon; I love you in the evening and underneath the moon…”
“I love you, you love me, we’re a happy family…”
What happens as our children get older, when they’re toddlers, school age and older? Are we saying “I love you,” and if so, are we saying it often enough each day? The love we have for our children is assumed and natural and everything we do for them and say to them is with their best interest in mind. We think, of course they know we love them. But does the child know this is love and do we actually say it?
Let’s first examine what is the love of a parent? Psychologists say the love a parent has for his child must be unconditional. The child needs to know that even when they fail at something the love for them is just as strong.
For example: Your daughter has a chumash test and you noticed she had not been studying despite your reminders. She comes home a few days later with a grade below her ability, meaning she did not try her best and could have done better had she put effort into her studying. (Please note: I am referring to ability. If a child studied appropriately and comes home with an average grade this should not disappoint.) Another example is you told your 6-year-old she cannot take another bag of chips and then when you were not looking she took the chips and ate them. In both these scenarios, it is not uncommon for there to be a dialogue between parent and child that is not pleasant in tone or words. Whether we like it or not, most of us have heard ourselves say things such as: Didn’t I tell you… Or: I cannot believe you did not listen to me.
How at a time like this do we show our love? Do we say I love you now? How do we show unconditional love at the same time; it certainly sounds contradictory. The answer is we don’t in the moment. Firstly, it is important to not hold onto the anger or disappointment beyond the incident. Secondly, this is when it is most critical to find a time later on to say I love you in a genuine voice.
Start noticing how many times a day you say I love you in a meaningful and present manner to your child; once a day is a good start. In addition, love is shown through truly listening and spending quality time together. Think about putting the cell phone away for part of the time you spend with your child. Telling your children you love them for their unique personality traits or acts of kindness we notice.
Start noticing how many times a day you say I love you in a meaningful and present manner to your child.
By Linda Stock
Linda Stock, an educator for over 35 years, has been in educational administration for the last 16 years and has a private practice, Linda Stock Learning Specialist. She can be reached at [email protected].
