A loving daughter and her adoring father were in disagreement. The daughter very much enjoys playing on her sports team at the university she attends. The father, seeing her daughter’s (relatively mild) bruises sustained almost weekly during practices and games, would like her to leave the team (or at least not join the next year). Does the mitzvah of kibud av v’em require the daughter to submit to the father’s preference?
Maran, in the Shulchan Aruch, codifies a ruling of the Terumat Hadeshen that if a son wishes to study in a particular yeshiva, he does not have to honor a parent’s request that he not study at that yeshiva because it is located in a dangerous area. The Rama, in turn, quotes a ruling of the Maharik that a son is not required to honor a parent’s demand that he refrain from marrying a particular woman. The Vilna Gaon explains that these rulings are based on the definition of the mitzvah of honoring parents as servicing them but not necessarily obeying them.
The Ramban (Yevamot 6a s.v. Mah L’hanach), Rashba (ibid. s.v. Mah L’hanach), and Ritva (ibid. s.v. Yachol) all define the mitzvah of honoring parents as providing service to one’s parents but do not necessarily include obeying the will of a parent under it. Thus, one is not obligated to obey a parent’s demand if the requested activity does not benefit the parent. Thus, the mitzvah of kibud av v’em does not obligate the daughter to follow her father’s request to leave her team.
The Sefer Hamakneh (Kiddushin 31b s.v. Tanu Rabbanan Eizehu), on the other hand, rules that the mitzvah of mora av va’em (revering parents) requires one to obey a parent’s request even if it will not benefit the parent. Indeed, the Gemara (Kiddushin 31b) states that this mitzvah forbids a child to contradict his parents’ words, which, the Sefer Hamakneh believes, includes disobeying the parent’s orders. The Sefer Hamakneh also believes, contrary to the Vilna Gaon’s assertion, that the Rama actually supports this approach. The Rama presents a specific situation—when a parent demands the child not marry a specific woman—in which he rules that the child is not required to abide by the parent’s demand. Had the Rama agreed with the Ramban, Rashba, Ritva he should have presented a general rule that one need not obey a parent’s request if it is not intended to benefit the parent. Since he does not, his ruling must be specific to situations of marriage. According to the Sefer Hamakneh’s approach, it would seem that the daughter must follow her father’s desire that she discontinue her participation on the team.
Rav Eliashiv notes, however, that even the Sefer Hamakneh does not require obedience when it would cause a loss to the child. Whereas ignoring a parent’s request without good reason constitutes a lack of reverence for the parent, ignoring the request out of concern for loss does not.
Thus, since the daughter feels that her participation on the team supports her personal growth and development, even the Sefer Hamakneh would agree that she is not required to abide by her father’s preference.
Parents at times need to know when to withdraw and exercise restraint with their adult children. While parents undoubtedly intend only to benefit their children, it is essential for an adult child to be independent and autonomous. Otherwise, they remain a child and do not emerge as healthy-minded and responsible adults ready to raise their own children.
I counseled the loving father to wish his daughter the best in her athletic endeavors and to pray to HaKadosh Baruch Hu that He continue to guard his daughter and help her in all her activities.
By Rabbi Haim Jachter
Rabbi Haim Jachter is the rabbi of Congregation Shaarei Orah. He also teaches at Torah Academy of Bergen County and serves as a dayan on the Beth Din of Elizabeth.
