I am pretty sure that we all have shared some version of the following story. A couple of months ago, I called my cell phone provider concerning an issue with my phone. When I dialed the customer service number and told the agent the problem I was experiencing, I was passed along to a different agent. I then waited on hold for the next available agent for about 20 minutes, until the next agent told me that they couldn’t help me because I needed technical support. After waiting another 10 minutes, I was told that I needed to wait for a different agent because the problem that I had was specific to my type of phone. After close to 35 minutes I was finally connected to the right person who was able to help me. At that point I was very frustrated and knew that I was on the brink of losing my patience. The first thing I said to the agent when he got on the phone was that I wanted to apologize. He seemed startled at first, but then I explained that I was being passed around from agent to agent for the last half hour and that there was a chance I may sound a bit perturbed during our conversation. I wanted the agent to know that if I said something that sounded like a harsh tone not to be upset, that my frustration was not geared toward him but to the system that bounced me around. At that moment, I noticed that just saying what I did calmed me down and helped me have a pleasant conversation with the agent, who subsequently told me that my phone needed to be replaced. One of life’s greatest challenges is keeping our composure at stressful and challenging moments.
At the beginning of Parshat Chayei Sara, Avraham is terribly distraught over the loss of his beloved wife Sara. Avraham then sought a place to bury Sara during this grieving period. The pasuk tells us that when Avraham engaged with the Bnei Chet who controlled the area where he wished to bury Sara, he bowed down to them as a sign of respect and dignity. Rav Yaakov Moshe Charlap, zt”l, explains that Avraham teaches us a valuable lesson about appropriate behavior even in the most trying of times. Avraham was undoubtedly overcome with emotions at that time, yet his very essence still remained and he was the quintessential mentsch. In life, we all experience moments when we feel that we are treated unjustly, or we become frustrated for what may be a very valid reason. Even when faced with disappointment, internal sadness or anger, Avraham teaches us that we must maintain our integrity and our composure.
If we are successful in doing so, then, in most cases, uncomfortableness dissipates. If we fail to keep our composure, it is rare that we don’t regret our actions.
As heated as we get, we can never afford to compromise who we truly are inside. May we continue to communicate and connect effectively, with others as well as with ourselves.
By Rabbi Eliezer Zwickler
Rabbi Eliezer Zwickler is rabbi of Congregation AABJ&D in West Orange, New Jersey, and is a licensed clinical social worker in private practice. Rabbi Zwickler can be reached at [email protected].
