“Couples/Marital Mediation” is a relatively new term. Traditionally, a couple looking to improve their relationship would attend couples counseling, and a couple looking to divorce would seek mediation. But recently the idea of using mediation to heal and improve a relationship has been gaining some popularity.

So what is it?

Couples mediation is a structured process where a neutral mediator helps long-term or married couples address and resolve conflicts. The goal is to improve communication, foster mutual understanding, develop effective problem-solving strategies, and decrease stressors within the relationship. By guiding couples through open dialogue and empathy-building exercises, mediation aims to create lasting positive changes in the relationship.

Ok, what exactly is the difference between couples mediation and traditional couples counseling?

The short answer is that there’s no clearly defining line. In a pure sense, traditional counseling might focus more on underlying dynamics and mediation more on resolving a specific conflict, but the goal is really the same – better communication, and everyone being able to express their feelings and get their needs met more effectively, with less conflict along the way.

This is actually what got me interested in couples mediation in the first place. For many years I had been doing both couples counseling and divorce mediation in my practice, and over time I started to notice myself using mediation techniques in couples sessions. Over time, my approach to couples counseling became more focused on this hybrid mediation-based approach and I found it quite successful, to the point that I started developing this as a specialized practice area. I’ve also connected with colleagues in similar situations, and continue to develop this area of focus.

Here’s an example illustrating how couples mediation might work differently than traditional counseling:

John and Lisa, a long-term couple, are in constant conflict over household responsibilities, with John feeling overwhelmed by work and chores, and Lisa feeling that her contributions are undervalued.

Couples Counseling: In counseling, the therapist might help John and Lisa explore underlying emotional issues and communication patterns contributing to their conflict and help them learn to express their feelings more openly and develop a deeper emotional connection, which could help them understand each other’s perspectives and reduce the tension over chores.

Couples Mediation: In mediation, the mediator would facilitate a structured discussion focused on negotiating a fair distribution of household responsibilities. The mediator would help John and Lisa outline their needs and preferences, guiding them to reach a mutually acceptable agreement. This approach directly targets the specific issue, promoting practical and immediate solutions while also improving their communication and negotiation skills.

As this illustrates, traditional couples counseling and couples mediation both aim to resolve conflicts and improve relationships, and they do so in complementary ways. Counseling focuses on exploring underlying emotional issues and enhancing emotional connection and communication over time, often addressing deeper psychological patterns. Mediation, on the other hand, targets specific conflicts with a solution-oriented approach, emphasizing practical negotiations and immediate agreements. Together, they are synergistic: counseling builds the emotional foundation necessary for lasting change, while mediation provides the tools for resolving concrete issues efficiently, enabling couples to tackle both emotional and practical aspects of their relationship.

So how do we choose between couples counseling and mediation?

Sometimes, there’s a clear need for one or the other. If a couple is facing deep-seated emotional problems, communication difficulties, or need to explore underlying relationship dynamics, a traditional couples counselor would be more beneficial. Conversely, if their conflicts are specific, practical, and require immediate resolution, such as disputes over finances or household responsibilities, especially if the relationship is generally a happy one and communication is going well, a couples mediator can provide a structured, goal-oriented approach to resolving the conflict.

More often though, there’s no clear defining line as the specific conflict that brings people to counseling is almost always reflective of deeper issues in the relationship. Many couples may find it helpful to use both services at different stages–i.e., seeing a mediator to address pressing issues and then transitioning to seeing a counselor for long-term emotional growth and strengthening the relationship. This is why it’s so helpful for a couples therapist to also be trained in mediation: If one professional can address the pressing issue(s) at hand (which often can be overwhelming and need some immediate resolution before deeper work can be done) and also have the tools to address the underlying relationship dynamics, then the situation can be approached from both directions and potentially have a better chance for a positive outcome.

Dr. Winder is a clinical psychologist with 20+ years experience, specializing in providing individual therapy for men ages 25-55, and couples therapy/mediation. To join the waitlist for a consultation or to send Dr. Winder a message, please visit www.DrWinder.com