Nestled in Paramus, New Jersey, is one woman who is trying to change the world, one agunah at a time.
Author, interior decorator and rebbetzin of Beth Tefillah Synagogue, Kayla Haber-Goldstein is an Israeli transplant who asks the tough questions and always finds the answers. Her book, Questioning the Answers, describes the religious journey upon which she continually embarks and how she paved the path to creating an organization of the same name. Haber-Goldstein aims to gather like-minded individuals to connect, experience Judaism, dive into Jewish texts and answer questions in a deeply satisfying way.
Haber-Goldstein’s latest conquest has been tackling the agunah crisis. In Jewish divorce law, a husband must provide his wife with a get, a document of divorce, and she must accept it. Igun is the term for when a husband refuses to grant his wife a get or when she refuses to accept it, leaving her an agunah (anchored), chained to a marriage, unable to move forward with life.
Oftentimes, the witholder leverages emotional and social tactics or demands monetary compensation before handing over the get. Jewish law dictates that a woman must receive a get when she no longer wants to be part of the marriage, but these laws can become difficult to navigate. “Both sides can chain the other. Women can refuse to take a get and men can refuse to give a get, but it’s much easier for the rabbis to … force the woman [to accept] than it is to force the man [to give],” said Haber-Goldstein in a conversation.
On August 29, 2023, the first Agunah Asifa (gathering) was held in Brooklyn. As emcee of the event, Haber-Goldstein’s confident presence and moving speech united the crowded room of women and girls. She was followed by well-known speakers, including Rebbetzin Faigy Twerski; Haber-Goldstein’s own father, Rabbi Yacov Haber, a prominent rabbi in Ramat Beit Shemesh, Israel; and Rav Moshe Weinberger, who prayed together with the crowd. Rounding out the event were Rabbi Yehoram Ulman and Rabbi Zev Leff. The speakers shared personal and professional stories of their experiences with the way the agunah crisis and get abuse has impacted the Jewish community on multiple levels. The event was limited to women only for security purposes, and this need became clear when protestors gathered outside the synagogue, hounding groups of attendees on their way in and out of the building.
The night was a special, eye-opening catalyst for something greater. Its aim was to bring awareness to the real impact of this crisis within the Jewish community. Everyone sitting on those wooden benches, including women who had flown in from other states and countries, could feel it.
Since the first asifa, Haber-Goldstein has been working tirelessly behind the scenes with a group of rabbis now called Vaad L’Inyanei Igun, or “the Vaad,” to rescue the chained from long dead and broken marriages. “The Vaad creates accountability and support for the rabbis, provides much needed connections and advocacy to those chained and works on community education to move us closer to a world where this issue is not allowed to fester,” said Haber-Goldstein.
Expertly and deftly navigating between Jewish law as well as the social, emotional and legal aspects of each case, Haber-Goldstein meets with each client and presents the details of her situation to this group of change-making rabbis. “We’ll start by taking a case, downloading all the details and creating a plan, and I will make sure the plan happens.” She acts as a catch-all manager to keep everything going. “I’ll go through each case every day, push it along to whichever rabbi accepts the case; I’ll be … constantly making sure that it’s moving.”
Haber-Goldstein hopes to see a world where the Jewish community is aware of the crisis and actively making strides to help these men and women. Beyond that, she said, she hopes for a world “where the get becomes something that’s automatically given as soon as it has been established that there’s no hope left for rehabilitation of the marriage.”
In just six months, Haber-Goldstein and the Vaad have hosted their second asifa with 120 rabbinic leaders in attendance, created an office and platform to process new agunah and difficult divorce cases, taught women how to navigate the laws of Igun, and freed 11 women and two men from dead marriages and abusive situations. As they progress, they aim to educate people about the laws of marriage and divorce, while continuing to raise awareness from those still being affected by the often-common get abuse found in our communities. “And I think we can get there,” Haber-Goldstein concluded.
These lofty goals require strong hearts and minds to accomplish them, and the Vaad leaves us without question that these agunot are in safe, capable hands. As members of the Jewish nation, we also must step forward to be part of this systemic change. Right now, the Vaad is running an emergency fundraiser that ends on Tisha B’Av, the Jewish nation’s most significant day of mourning.
With big goals comes big bills, and the team has been covering consultants, lawyers, case managers and court fees, as well as the cost of courses, events and flights, with an estimated cost of $180,000 a year needed to keep this important cause going. To help our rabbis continue to fight for our women, please consider donating on their website (VaadLinyaneiIgun.org) before their emergency fundraiser is over. And those in need can submit their case through the website as well.
Rena Vegh is a writer, editor, and fiction writing coach. She has a degree in Sociology and lives in Brooklyn. You can contact Rena at [email protected].
