As a COVID bride, I’m not exaggerating when I say I had a small wedding. About 40 people joined us in person to celebrate the big day. And while many of our amazing friends and family had to miss the event, they were gracious enough to purchase a gift off of our registry just the same.
While wedding registries are common, even expected, in our community, baby registries are not. For a wedding, guests are expected to purchase some towels or a salad bowl for the happy couple to offset some of the wedding cost and help furnish their new home. For Jewish expecting couples, baby registries are often not created and almost never “advertised” by the couple, even if they do exist. While the secular world decorates the nursery, throws a baby shower and most definitely registers for gifts — all before the third trimester — these things are all avoided and even met with nervousness by the religious Jewish world.
This reluctance is mostly due to the concept of the “evil eye” and superstitions that exist within Judaism. Knowing that at any point within a pregnancy something may, God forbid, go wrong, makes couples worried to do any planning before the baby is born. Some Jewish groups even take it so far as to have the “minhag” or custom to do nothing at all before birth — even installing a carseat or setting up a bassinet. And while this outlook should be respected and understood, it doesn’t allow much room for a baby registry.
Registries in general are a not-so-subtle way of asking people you know to spend some of their money on something you want due to a life change you will be experiencing. I suppose my reluctance to mention my baby registry may have been due to the fact that I didn’t want to seem like I was asking point-blank for a gift — even though that’s exactly what I wanted to do. Many people would love to give you a gift for a new baby but need some guidance to get you what you actually want. No one wants to end up with eight different blankets and dozens of outfits that aren’t your style. Hence, the purpose of a registry.
Somehow the whirlwind of events leading up to a Jewish wedding, including the engagement party, shower and of course, the actual wedding, seem to entitle a couple to a nice platter or set of linens. But the same can’t be said about having a baby. That kind of event has no lead-up parties (since most religious Jews don’t have baby showers, again, due to the “evil eye” thing) and is not necessarily a one-time event like a wedding usually is. However, like my COVID wedding proved, people don’t necessarily need to be present at your “simcha” or celebration to give you gifts.
When I was expecting my son last year, I enjoyed selecting items for my Amazon baby registry, which I kept on the “private” setting until my son arrived. Of course, that meant that I had to buy or borrow the bigger ticket items we would need right away after our son’s birth, like his carseat, stroller and size newborn diapers, which would have been nice to receive as gifts. I remember my non-Jewish coworkers immediately asking me where I was registered after I shared the happy news with them, and I also remember awkwardly telling them I hadn’t finalized my registry yet, even though I was just itching to change it from “private” to “public.”
Once I reached my final month of pregnancy, I no longer had any qualms about planning for my son’s arrival. My giant stomach and bloated appendages were constant reminders that a baby would, God willing, be making his foray into our home in a short time, so we had to prepare.
Without knowing his exact arrival date, we made some tentative plans for a bris and started to assemble some baby furniture. But I still felt weird sharing our baby registry with friends and family.
Like marriage, children are a celebrated part of Jewish life. It’s a major event to welcome a child into the world, whether it be a couple’s first or their 10th. And while creating 10 baby registries may be too much, having one for your first shouldn’t be taboo. Many couples wait longer to have their first child in order to save up money. Some decide to have fewer children due to the very real or perceived financial strain another child may pose. While your friends and family are not expected to incur large costs just so you can have another kid, there is something to be said about receiving a set of swaddles from Aunt Patricia and a rattle from your old roommate just at the time that you may be feeling overwhelmed with all the new purchases you need to make.
In my case, my husband and I opted for some budget-friendly picks and hand-me-downs when it came to expensive items like strollers or cribs. Since we knew we were expecting a boy, we were also aware of the looming cost of a bris.
In the end, we were lucky enough to have our son’s bris at my in-laws’ house with almost everything made or picked up by a member of our families. Of course, with a bris at home, guest space was limited so we had to invite only those nearest and dearest — not unlike our wedding day.
Since our son’s bris nearly one year ago, the baby epidemic has spread among our friends. Despite the large number of children being born, I have only encountered baby registries being voluntarily listed a couple of times. One was on the bottom of the bris flier, which I thought was ingenious. After all, here’s an event tied to the occasion where the hosts are spending money on their guests so they can politely ask for something in return. The same can be done for a simchat bat or a party welcoming a baby girl into the world.
But does a registry need to be tied to an invitation? Goodness knows it wasn’t so with our COVID wedding and may not be possible for everyone with a new baby. And while it may be the polite thing to only mention a registry when a party is involved, I think it would behoove the members of our community to be more proactive with seeking out baby gifts the couple specifically wants and needs.
Every couple should have the choice to pass around their registry or wait patiently until the arrival of their baby to make plans. While I respect either decision, I hope that when I, God willing, have my next child, it won’t be strange to send a baby announcement along with a link to Amazon.
Sarah Potash lives in Teaneck with aliyah plans for the near future. Sarah is blessed with a wonderful husband and son, both of whom inspire her writing. She enjoys musical theater, reading and traveling with her family.
