Dear Dr. Chani,

I have an unusual question to ask you. I have a great marriage and usually my wife and I get along really well. Yet, I recently had a misunderstanding with my wife and we really had a hard time seeing each other’s point of view. We would love to hear your perspective on what happened.

I travel a lot for business and I recently had a long three-week trip. My wife was excited to see me so she offered to pick me up from the airport. She brought along our teenage son, who was also looking forward to seeing me. They arrived at the airport as my plane touched down and I called her to coordinate a place for her to wait in the car as I went through customs and retrieved my luggage. I expected her to wait for a maximum of half an hour.

I reached the luggage area pretty quickly and waited to find my suitcases and go. But when I reached for my phone to update my wife, I couldn’t find it. To my horror, I realized that I had put it down after I called my wife, and had left it on the airplane! I retraced my steps and ran back through customs to the area where the plane had unloaded. I thought I could get back on to the plane and simply pick up my phone. But I went back to the wrong gate. Instead of reaching my plane, I encountered another flight about to leave. The airplane staff were surprised and pulled me aside to question me about how I got there and check if I was doing anything illegal. That cost me another 20 minutes. Eventually, I resigned myself to return to my luggage and file a claim for my missing phone.

At this point, it was about an hour and a quarter after my plane had landed. I realized that my wife was wondering where I was so I borrowed a phone to call her. She told me that she had been calling my phone many times and eventually an airport staff member picked it up. She coordinated with the staff member to meet our teenage son and give him my phone. I found my luggage easily and excitedly ran to greet my wife.

When I walked over to the car and yelled “Surprise!,” she did not look delighted to see me. She looked very upset. She told me that she was very disappointed that I hadn’t called her earlier. She said that I should have borrowed a phone earlier to tell her that I lost my phone. I explained to her that I needed to rush to go back to the plane and get my phone since it had many important contacts, so I couldn’t stop to borrow someone’s phone. I didn’t want my phone to be found by staff and then go through bureaucracy until it made it to the lost and found, or be flown to another country so that I would have to wait a week to get it back.

My wife understood that I was rushing because my phone was important, but she felt that I should have called her first anyway. I apologized for not calling and for keeping her waiting. It didn’t feel like she accepted it. I feel that she needs to also understand that I did the best I could. I was rushing to accomplish what I needed to in a very difficult circumstance. I also would have hoped that she would trust me and know that if I was not calling her it must be for a really good reason.

Since then the situation has blown over, but I still think my wife doesn’t really understand what I was going through. What do you think?

Sincerely,
Ari

Dear Ari,

Traveling can be very exhausting and stressful. After a long trip, losing your phone seems to have thrown you into a “fight-or-flight” mode. You felt that you needed to react quickly to find your phone or risk the inconvenience of having to deal with the airline. On the other hand, your wife thinks that you should have borrowed a phone to call her right away after you realized you lost your phone. This way she would have known what had happened and what to expect. Although you apologized to her for keeping her waiting, you still feel like she should be more understanding about what you were going through.

So how can you come to a mutual understanding? As a general rule, it helps to first understand, then be understood. Let’s explore why she might have been upset that you did not call her earlier.

If you put yourself into your wife’s shoes as she waited for you in the car, she was left completely in the dark about where you were. As she sat calling your phone for 20 minutes with no answer, she wondered why you were in “Airplane Mode.” She might have become increasingly concerned when you not only didn’t answer your phone, but you also didn’t call her. When a staff member eventually answered your phone, at least she was able to understand why you weren’t answering. But she still wanted to speak with you to let you know that she found your phone and that you could quickly exit the airport to get it.

Most likely, she was initially happy to let you know that she found your phone and that you didn’t have to worry. Yet, as time went on and you didn’t call her, she might have been frustrated. After all, she had no way of reaching you. This is why she feels that you should have borrowed a phone as soon as possible to call and update her. This could have avoided a lot of unnecessary hardship and delay for both of you. She might even feel like you prioritized your phone over her.

It sounds like you would like your wife to understand that you were trying your best to meet her as soon as possible, but that you also wanted to retrieve your phone. You thought that returning to the plane would have been the most efficient way. In retrospect, you realize that returning to the airplane was not a great idea, but you didn’t realize this at the time. Therefore, you would like your wife to empathize with your best intentions to retrieve your phone and meet her as quickly as possible.

Like most situations, there are two sides to this story. Both you and your wife have a reality that is true for you. Each one of you has an opinion that stems from your needs and expectations. In this case, you needed to get your phone and your goal was to meet your wife as soon as possible. At the same time, your wife expected you to either meet her as planned or call her at the expected meeting time to explain your delay.

One of the key themes that emerges from your story and that can help you in the future is to prioritize communication. You might not have wanted to borrow a phone because you didn’t want to delay returning to the plane, and possibly because you didn’t want to embarrass yourself or worry your wife. But even if it would cost your phone or put you in a bad light, it is still crucial to communicate. By communicating with your wife, you not only practically let her know what is happening and to expect a delay, you also communicate that she is significant to you. In retrospect, she could have helped you save time because she found your phone by calling it, but that is not the core reason to call her. When you borrow a phone to call her right away, she feels that you are thinking about her, she is important to you, and she feels connected to you.

I encourage you to revisit the conversation with your wife about your airplane mode fiasco and to take the opportunity to emphasize that she matters most to you. Hopefully you can both strengthen your commitment to communicate and connect especially during a difficult experience. While it may make you feel vulnerable amidst your uncertainty, communicating through a challenge not only helps you get through it, but it can strengthen your relationship along the way.

Wishing you much success,

Chani

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Dr. Chani Maybruch is a social psychologist who has specialized in helping people build and enhance their relationships for over two decades. If you would like to improve your relationship with yourself, your loved ones, or others in your life, reach out to her at chanimaybruch.com.