Parshas Ki Seitzei speaks of the “ben sorer u’moreh—the rebellious child.” This rebellious child became so caught up in his gluttonous ways that he stopped obeying his parents. He lived only for himself and only for the moment. His parents were to take him to the elders of the town and cast him out. The Gemara in Sanhedrin (71a) discusses this unique phenomenon and all the conditions that would have to be met in order for this story to have been played out as portrayed in the parsha. It concludes that the situation of a ben sorer u’moreh never actually occurred and could never occur. If so, what lessons are there to be learned from this depiction in the Torah? Perhaps, it makes us pause and think about our role as parents.
The Reishis Chochma writes that it is easier to grow a grove of olive trees on a pile of rocks in the Galilee than it is to raise a single Jewish child properly. In other words, raising children is always a difficult undertaking—even under the best circumstances. Yet there are certain principles to keep in mind, based on the story of the “ben sorer u’moreh.”
The Gemara in Sanhedrin concluded—based on the verse, “… he did not listen to our voice,” (21:18)—that the voices of the father and mother of this child must be identical. The Gemara lists requirements that the parents must be of the same height, have the same appearance and have voices that sound alike. Rabbi Zev Leff explained that the Gemara is not necessarily talking about the pitch or tenor of the parent’s voices. Instead, the Gemara is teaching that parents must send a single, unified message of discipline to their youngsters. Children do not deal well with mixed messages. The “voice” of the parents must be identical because if the child hears one message from his father and a different message from his mother, he will exploit that. Sometimes, this requires that the parents work things out among themselves beforehand. They must come to an agreement regarding what is right, what is wrong and how they will approach a given situation. Only then, can they handle things with a “single voice.”
Rabbi Dr. Avraham Twerski, z”l—a psychiatrist who worked with drug addicted patients—had another insight based on the story of the “ben sorer u’morer.” He believed that the Torah was teaching a lesson in—what is today known as—tough love. Too often, parents believe that they are saving their children and will bail them out of trouble when they behave badly or abuse alcohol and other substances. These parents might provide them with money, make excuses for them, blame the school or literally bail them out of jail when they get arrested. They may let troubled older children stay at home too long and terrorize the rest of the family into giving in to their demands, thinking that it is their parental obligation to do so.
Such parents, however, cannot simply just keep providing the troubled child with money to feed his habit. Rabbi Twerski related that sometimes the parents have to act in a way that might seem cruel or insensitive to the child. If it means that the child will be arrested for stealing money from others or that he will have to spend time in jail as a result of his crimes, so be it. When the Torah records the incident of the “ben sorer u’morer—rebellious son,” it is informing us that “tough love” style discipline is acceptable and proper.
Rabbi Frand compares this to taking a sick child to the doctor for a vaccination needle or a surgical procedure. Of course, the injection or procedure is going to hurt at first but a greater good is ultimately being achieved—promoting the child’s health. So too, providing discipline to a child and teaching him early on that there are consequences in life might be painful at times. However, by learning the road signs of life early on, it may save a child from skidding off the road altogether later on.
In Pesachim 113a, the Talmud teaches that a person should be cautious with their words and actions, as even small mistakes can lead to significant consequences. This aligns with the idea that early intervention—through discipline—can save a child from greater consequences later. The same principle is reflected in the story of Rabbi Yehoshua ben Levi, who disciplined his son firmly but fairly—teaching him the importance of honesty and self-control from an early age. It is a reminder that teaching boundaries early on may be painful in the short term but, ultimately, prevents greater suffering later.
The lessons of the “ben sorer u’moreh” extend beyond the hypothetical case in the Torah. The need for unified parental voices, early discipline and tough love are echoed throughout the Talmud and teachings of the sages. As parents, the challenges are immense, but with clarity, consistency and strength, we can raise children who grow to be successful, responsible adults who make us proud and give us “Yiddishe nachas.” Sometimes, the hardest challenges in discipline come from love.
May Hashem help us all to raise our children properly. May we be granted the wisdom to guide our children on the right path. May we learn to speak in a unified voice as parents and provide proper discipline, whenever necessary. In turn, may we be rewarded with children who we can be proud of.
Rabbi Dr. Avi Kuperberg is a forensic, clinical psychologist and a member of the American Psychology-Law Society. He is the coordinator of Bikur Cholim/Chesed at Congregation Torah Ohr in Boca Raton, Florida. He can be reached at [email protected].
