It’s hard to live in the space between good and ugly

And sometimes I drown in that dark in-between

Losing bits of myself

as I go about my day

The parts of myself that I really loved

Bits of me left behind

In the laundry room

At the market by the cucumbers and dill

At the bottom of my coffee cup

Bits of me chipped away

Not so much as shedding skin like the garden snake by the dusty trail, renewed and reborn

But like rose-patterned china that slips through my soapy fingers and smashes on the tile floor

I see myself in those shards

I recognize jaded pieces of myself

How can you feel whole when you’re lost in that empty space between good and ugly?

There are times I feel anchored in Faith and tethered by Courage

And there are times when the rope that holds me together

Burns

They say time heals all wounds

What time would that be?

Surprisingly, it’s in the storm that I am learning

to be both

broken and whole

Like the two sets of tablets Moses placed in the Ark

One set shattered and one set complete

Side by side

The four chambers of my heart

I remind myself

Just

Breathe

Breathe

Breathe

Learning to live in the space between good and ugly

My breath fogs up the car window

Evaporating

Then reappearing

And on the frosted glass

I trace the word

Hope

Esti Rosen Snukal made aliyah from Teaneck with her family, in 2012. She is the mother to four sons and an adopted mother to many lone soldiers. Esti resides in Chashmonaim and can be found walking her dog Ruby or doing the NY Times Connections. Esti can get reached at [email protected] or on Instagram @esti1818