By Dr. Chani Maybruch
Dear Dr. Chani,
I’ve been thinking of writing to you for a long time, but have been concerned about discussing my issue openly. Hopefully I will manage to tell you enough details without the people involved figuring out who the person is. My issue is that I’m afraid my husband is being abusive to my children when I’m not home. I’ve become more concerned about this over time, but it has gotten to the point that I feel I really need to do something.
We have been married for several years and we have a few young children at home. Usually I’m around in the afternoons when they get home from school and on weekends. Yet, I’ve been taking on some extra responsibilities outside of our home so my husband has had to watch our children. I’ve noticed that whenever I come home, my children look upset and there is tension in the air. One time, one of my children complained about my husband having to supervise him while I was away. He described a situation that sounded unpleasant where my husband was strict. Yet his description about things that happened didn’t seem problematic enough for me to be overly concerned.
I would have asked my husband about what goes on when I’m not home but I know he would not take it well. My husband tends to get defensive whenever I question him about things he does. He does not have a soft and easygoing personality, to say the least. When we were dating, I was initially attracted to his confidence and decisive, masculine personality. But after we were married for a short while, I realized that he thinks he is always right and he doesn’t care much about what I think.
I try my best to make my marriage work so that I can give my children the best life possible. This is why I haven’t reacted dramatically whenever one of the children seemed upset at my husband. As long as there is nothing terrible going on, I feel it is my job to respect and support my husband. I hope that I am doing the right thing by appeasing him and keeping our family together.
Do you think that I should rock the boat and bring up my concerns to my husband? Is there another way I can deal with this and protect my children? Thank you for your help in advance.
Sincerely,
Fraidy
Dear Fraidy,
Your efforts to preserve your marriage and provide for your children are heartwarming. It sounds like you are walking on a tightrope, trying to maintain the right balance while being a good wife and mother. I can only imagine how stressful and confusing this must be. Now you have come to the realization that the welfare and safety of your children may be at stake and you need to take a more proactive approach. Let’s explore what factors you should consider and appropriate steps for you to take to support and care for your children.
First of all, it is healthy and important for you to trust your instincts. The tension and fear that you sense from your children when you leave them in your husband’s care are significant. Even if your children do not mention any specific stories when you return home, the vibe they give off is enough for you to acknowledge that something might be off.
As you go through this, keep in mind that children tend to be aware of the dynamic of their home. If your children sense that you prioritize your duty to respect and support your husband, they may shy away from sharing negative feelings about him with you. For example, they might not want to complain to you about your husband if they expect that you will defend his behavior and get upset at them for what happened. Your children might be especially reluctant if they are afraid of their father or if they sense that you might feel too vulnerable to stand up to him on their behalf. Understandably, children tend to err on the side of caution and remain silent if they have reason to believe that telling an adult about abuse will not help and might actually hurt them.
Although you might expect your children to confide in you if they ever felt harassed or unsafe, they might not feel comfortable approaching you if they have not had a positive experience doing so in the past. In order for your children to feel comfortable telling you their concerns about your co-parent or about anyone else, they need to feel that they can trust you to listen to them, understand them and support them.
Therefore, it is critical that you find a calm, private time to speak with each of your children about their experiences. Help them feel safe and comfortable sharing anything vulnerable with you. When you speak to your child, you might say something like, “I am here for you. I want to understand you better and help you. Sometimes when I come home late you seem to be upset. Can you help me understand why that might be? What happens when I am not home?” Be sure to give your child your undivided attention and listen carefully to what he says. Try to remain calm and focus on what your child is feeling, rather than retreating back into your own mind and thinking about what you feel about what he is saying.
After you speak with your child, thank him for confiding in you and tell him back what you heard him say in your own words. Try to reach for his feelings and empathize by saying something like, “I can understand what you feel this way.”
Your initial goal is not to solve any problem, rather to emotionally connect with your child, help him feel that he can trust you and turn to you, and to gather information about any issue.
After you speak with your children, think about what they need and how you can help them. It might be helpful for you to write down the information you gather so that you can refer back to it in the future if necessary. Depending on the nature of the information, consider what your children need from you and what you can do to help them. Even if your conversations with your children do not yield concerning information, by reaching out to them and encouraging them to talk to you, you are demonstrating that you are there for them to talk to and that you have their back. One of the best ways that you can support your children is by being a listening and sympathetic ear for them.
After you have gathered information from your children and heard their perspectives, you should discuss what is going on with your husband. You need to approach this conversation carefully, because your husband will probably feel defensive. Firstly, most people would naturally try to protect themselves from an implied accusation of abuse. In addition, you mention that he often takes a generally defensive stance.
Therefore, try to create a framework that demonstrates to your husband that you and he are on the same side. Without accusing your husband, describe to him what you sense about the children’s moods and ask him for his thoughts and perspective. You can explain to him that they sometimes seem upset when you arrive home. Ask him why he thinks that might be. Let the tone you use and the way you ask the questions demonstrate that you are working together for the benefit of your family. There is a chance that your conversation will not be productive. At the same time, you gain at least two advantages by speaking with your husband about this issue. Firstly, you are doing your due diligence in exploring what might be happening to your children. Also, you might decrease the chance that abuse, if relevant, will continue because your husband will get the message that you know something might be going on.
Depending on how your conversations with your children and your husband play out, you may want to seek professional advice. A trusted therapist can help you gather and process information and provide guidance on how to navigate this sensitive situation. A therapist can also serve as a valuable confidant with whom you can share your private, vulnerable feelings in a nonjudgmental environment of empathy and support.
You are wise to make the safety and well-being of your children your top priority. Your children need you and they rely on you to look out for their interests. By taking these steps you can ensure that you are helping your children and getting the support that you need, while trying to maintain family unity.
Wishing you much success,
Chani
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Dr. Chani Maybruch is a social psychologist who has specialized in helping people build and enhance their relationships for over two decades. If you would like to improve your relationship with yourself, your loved ones, or others in your life, reach out to her at chanimaybruch.com.
